To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times

And yet you’re surprised?

I will never understand the swathes of people on here who seem to be friends with people who are downright awful to them.

Good for you, I would go mental if anyone smoked in the house. The smell is repulsive - I had a piece of furniture in the house for one day once, which I hadn't realised was from a smoking house, and I had to get rid of it. The room it was in reeked of smoke for weeks.

This is exactly what she’s relying on! I speak from experience. When I finally dropped someone like this from my life I felt free. Then I felt stupid for taking so long to do it.

This:

I’d have chucked her out and sent her a bill for deep cleaning the bedroom,

Your friend has not yet learned actions have consequences and that people have boundaries. This is her issue not yours.

If everything was great except the smoking incident, I could see a frank conversation about why it wasn't okay and moving on with the friendship. But @FgsMary the way you describe this person, I'm just not sure why you'd continue trying.

Asking her to leave was not at all unreasonable in the circumstances.

Disagree.

Why should OP’s house reek of smoke? Filthy habit.

Yes. But the most important thing here is that it is lovely for you too, and it sounds like you are dampening your own happiness now by feeling guilty. When you really shouldn’t be.

Instead be proud that you stood up for yourself, it is your home. And your toiletries, so why should she use them for three weeks.

Your boundaries are very, very important. Especially if you’ve been in an abusive relationship before. Then you need to establish your boundaries to people and make sure they listen to you.

You did well op.

She crossed a boundary too many times, you absolutely did the right thing; looks like you're the only one to have told her 'no'!!

Stop trying to save her. You haven't made anything worse. All this is her doing.

She feels adrift in life and not welcomed anywhere and I don't want anyone to feel like that. She's most certainly not a dreadful person. Just a challenging complex one

Oh just saw this- she isnt welcomed anywhere because she's a bully and leaves stale smoke wherever she goes- thats entirely her own fault. She isnt "complex" - thats just an excuse for treating people like shit- she's just really unpleasant. End of.

Me too.

Also, it's not really about smoking per se; it's about basic respect for another person in a particular situation. I'm an ex smoker - was a very heavy smoker in fact - and even at the height of that I would NEVER have tried to have "a sneaky fag" in the house of someone who had specifically told me not to.

Respecting other people's wishes in their own home is just basic manners. This is about the dynamic of the relationship and this childish individual's lack of respect for those she's getting favours from. Regardless of the terribleness of her behaviour that "everyone knows" and this assumption it won't and can't change, OP CAN change her reaction to this person and refuse to put up with it, gaining self respect in the process. No is a powerful word.

Spot the self-entitled smoker.

Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week

lol what? why are you "friends" with this person in the first place?, she sounds like a nasty horrible person. You know you dont have to stay friends with someone if they behave poorly right?

Stop being such a people pleaser and dump fag ash Lil.

Tbh, Op you have been set up to fail. Having someone pleasant stay in your house for three weeks would have been hard enough, having someone everyone acknowledges is unpleasant and difficult was bound to end in disaster. I would not feel guilty at all, I would actually feel annoyed. You should not have been put in this position in the first place.

@Janedoe82 - I grew up with smokers and, while my dad managed to quit when I was a teenager, mum never did, so I grew up in a house where everything was permeated with the smell of cigarette smoke, and where I was exposed to a lot of second hand smoke from babyhood onwards. Mum even refused to stop smoking in the car when I told her it made me ill.

I loathe the smell of cigarette smoke, and it really lingers in a house, even if someone only smokes a few inside - it stays on everything - every surface, and soft furnishing. No-one has the right to inflict that on me in my own home.

The OP had one rule - no smoking indoors - and the guest deliberately broke that rule. I would have done exactly what she did.

YABU to continue being friends with a person who disrespects you and clearly doesn’t view you as a friend. She has form for being a bully and manipulative when challenged on her rude, selfish and unreasonable behaviour. Your house rules are your rules and if she can’t respect them when she’s clearly aware of them and then further to lie to you about it then she doesn’t deserve to stay. I would rethink the whole friendship altogether if this is the way she chooses to behave. Friends don’t act like this towards other friends and nor do people who have a basic level of manners.

YANBU. She knew what the rules were and chose to ignore them, essentially throwing herself out. Well done for not being a doormat.

Yes, it's her behaviour that's the cause of it all (not just the smoking) and she's upset everyone but I feel dreadful that I've made it all worse. She feels adrift in life and not welcomed anywhere and I don't want anyone to feel like that. She's most certainly not a dreadful person. Just a challenging complex one

But you haven’t made it worse! She is the one who messed things up - and now she’s having to sleep on the floor. I hope she reflects why.

She feels adrift and not welcomed anywhere? Hmm, I wonder why 🤔 Bloody obvious, isn’t it? She’s self-centred, thoughtless and takes no responsibility for her actions, playing the victim when she’s the one at fault. If you don’t want her to feel like that, then keep firm boundaries so she has the opportunity to learn and change her behaviour. Unless you’re using the word “complex” to allude to historical or current special issues you don’t want to go into, then it’s just an excuse usually. Complex? No, rude and selfish!

@FgsMary This is the important thing. She doesn't need to smoke inside. She CHOSE to do it with you because she thought she would get away with it. She CHOOSES not to do it at the relatives house. She could have made that same choice at yours but she doesn't respect you as she didn't do what you had asked.

Do not feel bad. She CHOSE to do it with you. There is a consequence and I know it might feel difficult now but in the future it might be better for the two of you as she might listen to what you say and respect that.

The answer to that type of comment was and is "I don't feel disrespected...I was disrespected and you disrespected me and my home." Also when she says that she isn't making anyone feel uncomfortable/upset, you say that you don't feel upset/uncomfortable when X or Y stays with you, they don't smoke in the house, the follow the house rules, yet when she stays, you don't just feel uncomfortable, you actually are uncomfortable in your home and you get upset because she smokes and doesn't follow the house rules and why would that be does she think. I'd even mention that you've noticed that she tries to use words and twist their meaning so that she is never in the wrong and she probably quite rarely accepts responsibility for things that are entirely within her remit to resolve and repair and simply accept that she was wrong.
You cannot go through life thinking and believing that everything, absolutely everything you do is never wrong. She's going to have a rude awakening at some point in her future and the decision is whether she wants that to be within her family or have a wider audience, say at work.

See how she tries to wangle her way out of straightening out the words she uses against you to make her out to be the victim.

No, don't let her guilt-trip you. You have every right to boundaries in your own home (well, and at all, really); I reckon it's because you don't normally do it with her that it feels so weird. I had a friend like this once, and I was much the same. Realised I'd been letting her walk all over me and setting firm boundaries eventually salvaged and transfomed the whole friendship, though there were some mighty tantrums at first. Your "friend" is behaving like a selfish, immature teenager and is used to getting her own way with you, it seems. Stand firm; you'll gradually start getting more comfortable with being more assertive in setting your boundaries. She'll either have to get used to that or be history.