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AIBU?

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To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

382 replies

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 09:43

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

OP posts:
CocoapuffPuff · 06/07/2024 13:47

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 12:54

She has now flown abroad for the weekend to stay with a friend who, "accepts her for who she is" and makes her feel welcome, unlike all of us apparently.

Excellent. She's gonna have a great time, she's said so herself. Full acceptance from other friend so happy days.
Of course, it's another slosh of manipulation, but ignore the subtext. She's a deeply unpleasant and manipulative character, but she's somewhere else now so hey ho.

Now. What are you going to do to treat yourself well today? Bath and pamper? Catch up with pal over coffee? Trip out to a fav place? Ffs, DO something and stop ruminating on this terrible behaviour. She's gone. Do something fun.

trytofly · 06/07/2024 13:45

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 13:37

I feel desperately sorry for her parents. They are the loveliest people. I've known them my whole life. They are so upset about the whole sorry experience. If I hadn't chucked her out though, she'd still be here and wouldn't have bolted out of the country. Yes, it's the consequence of her own actions but she's not here for long, her parents aren't young and this is probably one of the last times they'll see her. She's coming back on Monday for her final week but time is the one thing you can't get back.

Well that’s up to her though.

trytofly · 06/07/2024 13:43

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 13:15

Reply to what?

Did she not say/text those words to you?

dapsnotplimsolls · 06/07/2024 13:43

I bet the friend she's gone to stay with is a smoker!

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 13:42

Toddlerteaplease · 06/07/2024 13:33

This. Why are you friends? You don't seem to like her

I've already explained why several times. We are very different people. She lives an alternative lifestyle, has dropped out of mainstream society, has views that are offbeat but that's OK. There's room in the world for all of us. She's more akin to family than just a friend. If there weren't strong links, we wouldn't see each other at all or even speak. We don't hate each other but she's not easy to like. Her own parents don't find it easy to like her at times.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/07/2024 13:40

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 09:55

She's a childhood friend. We grew up together. I am very close to her family. They're like my family. She has lots of issues. There's been tears every night from her. I can't turn my back entirely.

Sure you can. She's absolutely fucking awful. You don't keep people like this in your life.

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 13:37

BreatheAndFocus · 06/07/2024 13:25

See? Shifting the blame onto others when it’s all her fault. People like this always move from one enabler to another. That’s the only reason they’re sometimes ‘nice’ - so they can retain a group of people to use. The only people I feel sorry for are her parents. She’s the architect of her own misfortune.

I feel desperately sorry for her parents. They are the loveliest people. I've known them my whole life. They are so upset about the whole sorry experience. If I hadn't chucked her out though, she'd still be here and wouldn't have bolted out of the country. Yes, it's the consequence of her own actions but she's not here for long, her parents aren't young and this is probably one of the last times they'll see her. She's coming back on Monday for her final week but time is the one thing you can't get back.

OP posts:
damebarbaracartlandsbiggestfan · 06/07/2024 13:36

My DH is a smoker and I am an ex moderate to heavy smoker, good for you for having boundaries! My DH (and I previously) wouldn't dream of smoking inside peoples houses and even before we had kids, we smoked in our garden. She sounds extremely self-centred.

pansypetuniaheliotrope · 06/07/2024 13:36

You were right to ask her to leave. I would have sent her off the first time! I don't even let anyone smoke in the garden, they have to leave the property completely. I have this rule with all who come here, tradesmen etc included. I make it clear at the start, and I'm nice about it. I also make very good coffee, and give them cake!

LovePoppy · 06/07/2024 13:35

Janedoe82 · 06/07/2024 09:45

You were a bit harsh.

How so?
she said no smoking? Visitor smoked? She asked them to leave for breaking the rules they agreed to.

Toddlerteaplease · 06/07/2024 13:33

Moonshiners · 06/07/2024 09:46

Rude cow. Can't believe anyone would do this. You weren't harsh enough!
Well done for getting rid

This. Why are you friends? You don't seem to like her

FinallyHere · 06/07/2024 13:31

She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy.

Well, she would say that, wouldn't she. I would not invite smokers to stay and would expect anyone who mistakenly smoked in my house to stop immediately and abide by my no smoking rule.

Your guest did not. I would have no hesitation in asking her to leave. I may not have explained why, to avoid any argument and just say circumstances have changed and that you were no longer able to host and ask her whether she wanted a cup of tea before leaving.

So glad you didn't let it run on.

Starrynights9 · 06/07/2024 13:27

The smell of smoke anywhere is revolting never mind in your house. YANBU. I would have warned her a couple of times then if it continued I would have asked her to find somewhere else to stay. Smoking outside of bars etc is also revolting. You literally have to go inside for fresh air 🤢

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 06/07/2024 13:25

I think you've been more than kind and helpful to this person and their family. Especially with all the updates you've given about her and her history.
Being a people pleaser will result in people walking all over you and taking advantage. I found that out the hard way. I'd be setting hard boundaries so that you don't get walked all over in the future, and put yourself first.

BreatheAndFocus · 06/07/2024 13:25

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 12:54

She has now flown abroad for the weekend to stay with a friend who, "accepts her for who she is" and makes her feel welcome, unlike all of us apparently.

See? Shifting the blame onto others when it’s all her fault. People like this always move from one enabler to another. That’s the only reason they’re sometimes ‘nice’ - so they can retain a group of people to use. The only people I feel sorry for are her parents. She’s the architect of her own misfortune.

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 13:15

trytofly · 06/07/2024 12:58

Think carefully what to reply.

Reply to what?

OP posts:
NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 06/07/2024 13:15

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 12:50

There's nothing to drop. I don't see her. She lives on the other side of the world. She's only visited once in 10 years. We talk occasionally on the phone, thats all. Her family don't blame me for one second for asking her to leave but it has caused a load of upset and disappointment and even more stress.

Nothing to drop? You felt obliged to put her up for three weeks! She treated you like crap while she was there, and now YOU feel guilty for it! Of course there’s something to drop - any sense of obligation to this woman!

Londonrach1 · 06/07/2024 13:11

Yanbu. I'd have given her a list of hotels and show her the door on day 1. No smoking even in my garden. Yuk. My husband is asthmatic and any smoke could really make him unwell. Luckily I don't know anyone who smokes....

Rosesanddaffs · 06/07/2024 13:08

You are right, you told her no, she lied to you and disrespected you and your property.

Don’t let her back in, let her sleep wherever she is and she can smoke all she likes there.

JurassicClark · 06/07/2024 13:06

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 12:54

She has now flown abroad for the weekend to stay with a friend who, "accepts her for who she is" and makes her feel welcome, unlike all of us apparently.

Sounds like a win for everyone, then!

Unpack your bags, OP, there's no reason for the guilt trip.

veryCrossMrFlibble · 06/07/2024 13:02

No smoking in the house is not difficult to understand. You're well rid, she's rude and disrespectful and thoroughly deserved a foot squarely in the middle of her arse.

Trinity65 · 06/07/2024 13:00

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/07/2024 11:08

You said no smoking so she sparks up in the bedroom. How dare she disrespect your home and hospitality like that. Not only is it rude it’s also potentially very dangerous supposing she dropped the damn thing and it had caused a fire.

Absolutely

My Nan and Grandad smoked when Mum and DA and DU were growing up
Indoors they smoked as was the thing in the 50s and 60s
Anyway, poor DM shared a room with her sister, and her sister would smoke under the blankets!! Used to scare the life out of DM that a fire would begin,
DA was underage so Mum told their parents who put an instant stop to that
Very dangerous

Mrsjayy · 06/07/2024 12:59

She sounds an absolute brat!

krustykittens · 06/07/2024 12:59

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 12:54

She has now flown abroad for the weekend to stay with a friend who, "accepts her for who she is" and makes her feel welcome, unlike all of us apparently.

Well. thank God for that!

trytofly · 06/07/2024 12:58

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 12:54

She has now flown abroad for the weekend to stay with a friend who, "accepts her for who she is" and makes her feel welcome, unlike all of us apparently.

Think carefully what to reply.

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