To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

No, you laid down the house rules and she broke the rules. Your house your rules and she ignored it. Her fault.

They're not forgetting to, they just care about their own feelings more than yours.

Stop making excuses. She’s a grown woman. You don’t need to pacify her parents - they are no longer responsible for her behaviour.

This woman is cheap scum. Tell her to bugger off.

Why was she your friend in the first place?

Speaking as someone whose mother died of secondary lung cancer having never smoked but having spent hours in smoke filled staff rooms I beg to differ. Smoking is disgusting and antisocial. It harms people simply by happening. Alcohol harms people when it is misused. There is no good use of cigarettes.

I turned away a carpet fitter who sat in his van smoking before starting the job - to fit a carpet in my baby’s nursery. As soon as he stood in my porch he absolutely stank of smoke. No way was I having that in my house.

You did nothing wrong.

I'd have kicked her out from the moment she smoked in the kitchen in fact.

Disgusting.

This.

What on earth? She sounds dreadful. Look at your boundaries - you are too nice.

tell her she needs to reimburse you for the cost of getting all the soft furnishings laundered and the carpets cleaned.

You may have just wanted the three weeks to pass peacefully, OP, but she evidently (and, may I say, predictably, based on her previous behaviour) DIDN'T want that. You need to understand that you are not in control of this situation. You didn't cause it. This is so like AlAnon. Accept that you can't change her. This is who she is. It would have always blown up like this. Why did you think you could prevent that from happening? The only way to minimise abusive behaviour is to leave its orbit.

good on you
she took the piss
i wouldn't even tolerate it in the garden
its a personal choice anyway but its also written in the tenancy
no smoking in the house, garden or 6ft from the front door

as it was a non issue i had no problem with those rules
but they do allow pets

luckily i know no one who smokes or vapes or has family that does

side note its also a alcohol free house

FGS don't say she can come back! Why would you say that?

I really feel for her parents. It doesn't sound as though she'd be there for them if they need help in the future. It sounds as though you and they have a lovely relationship and that you're very kind to them all.

This.

I smoke but never in my house. And smoking in someone else's home would never even cross my mind!

Any chance she'd pre arranged the stay but 'forgot to tell anyone beforehand of her plans?

Incredibly short notice from your DF to whoever she's gone to stay with if it was a knee jerk decision/born out of her having a strop.

I agree she's "fled" because she didn't get her own way so she's in her huff smoking her fags and complaining how life is unfair, she left her parents house she caused this, if her elderly parents suffer that's on her.

But she ‘fled’ (ie went off in a strop!) to punish you and her family. She’ll be pleased you’re sitting at home blaming yourself. She’ll be getting a thrill from your upset and that of her parents. She’s not complex. She’s spoilt, self-centred and bullying.

What she’s hoping is that when she returns you and her parents will be all over her, apologising profusely for your non-existent crimes. She’ll be hoping to teach you a lesson.

Doesn’t sound much of a friend. I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it.

I would have been annoyed but wouldn’t have actually bucked her out. Maybe if she did it again but not first time I told her not to smoke in the bedroom and she did apologise.

I think asking her to actually leave was further than I would have gone.

I don’t think @Janedoe82 is coming back to explain herself, @LovePoppy. Too many people have told her she is wrong.

You've said that all her relatives know what she's like and expect her to behave badly.

She went to her parents and had to sleep on cushions Boo Double Hoo, that's hardly depravation.

Why are you feeling guilty?
Her parents are dealing with her. You tried to help but she couldn't accept the conditions of her stay, and then had to go to her parents.
This is NOT on you.
Her behaviour is what she's always like, it is NOT your responsibility. In fact I bet everyone was expecting something like this.

She's having a "Look at me.. poor victim" flounce and it's working on all of you.

Yes time is precious but she has managed to see them all for a while, even if not the full three weeks. And it is not your fault that SHE CHOSE to stay with a friend for part of those three weeks. Perhaps a full 3 weeks was too ambitious all round and her current absence means that there will be less confrontation.

Why do you feel guilt when you are not her relative and you have absolutely no control over what this "very tricky person... Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times" adult person chooses to do?

Don't expect an apology, you won't get one. You offered your help. She took it and then you had to ask her to leave. That's on her. You've made it clear she could come back but she would rather have a little strop.
Take a giant step back. None of this is your problem. You did what you could. Let her do what she feels she has to do and let her family deal with her. She got to see everyone in the end which was the main object. Its not on you if she can't deal with people for 3 weeks.

Ah, you’re one of those.

Will complain but do absolutely nothing to actually deal with the root issue.

Iv had more experience with these types of people than I can ever express. My post comes from years and years of experience in trying to deal with this without cutting particular people out (why is not for this thread)

She already is behaving in a victim mentality. No you are right they don’t do the work but they do learn to only push as far as they think they can get away with but not so far as they lose out. Op can’t control friends behaviour only her response to it which hopefully (not always) means friend decides to adapt so they don’t end up in the losing position.
These people (not all obviously) do have control when they feel it’s a benefit to them (in this example not getting kicked out and having to sleep on a floor so next time they probably won’t smoke indoors) but they choose not to when they think they will get away with it without consequences

but next time she probably won’t smoke in the house because she knows she can’t get away with it without a consequence she can’t wriggle out of (just like at her parents)

that works with all the behaviour's from friend. if op is a brick wall with her limits eventually the outcome will be that this friend will only do as much as they can get away with (they won’t be happy about it)or they will push so hard it destroys the friendship because they put the op in a position where they are given no choice but to end it.

either way the op can’t control how friend behaves only how much she is willing to put up with.