To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

I cannot bear smoking. Anyone who smoked in my house would get one warning. She got her warning and did it again.

You were right, OP.

Aside from her smoking in your home, you've stated that her own parents don't want her to stay with them. I can feel some empathy for someone who is not welcomed to stay in the home her parents have.
The talk about it probably being the last time she'll see them during a visit is a smidge morose and if she isn't bothered by it, you shouldn't be either. Not everyone has to behave in the same way towards their parents or relatives.

The only strange thing is, if her parents could cough up and pay for very expensive last minute flights, why didn't they arrange for her to stay somewhere (in a hotel, B & B or even an AirBnB) and pay for that instead? Why did she have to stay with a friend (you) during her stay?

That's on her. All she had to do was take her fags outside. How difficult can it be?

Blimey OP you must have a really difficult life if you blame yourself for everything like this.

With respect OP, I don't understand why you are feeling so guilty, responsible and taking so much of the blame on yourself.

Her parents paid for her to fly out to visit her friend for a weekend during a 3 week visit. So it is down to them that she flew off. They were probably relieved to have her out of the house for 3 days during this 3 week stint and considered it money well spent if it allowed both sides a breathing space. Its a long time and she's a difficult person. They've had plenty of time with her already and will see her again next week.

Yet You are wringing your hands saying time lost can never be got back. Its the quality of the time spent, not the quantity that matters. And less is certainly more in this case if she has behaviour problems. An afternoon or two of good time together is probably preferable to both sides than having a 3 week in yer face every day conflict filled egg shell walking fiesta.

Come on. You did your bit. She didn't co-operate and moved to her parents. Its really not a big deal in the scheme of things that she went to friends for the weekend during her 3 weeks. In the circumstances it seems entirely sensible AND ITS NOT DOWN TO YOU or your fault that she did.

So stop beating yourself up. One more week and she will be back home again and you won't have to worry about it.

I think tho that you could do with a bit more support/help/talk about your reaction to this which sounds like it may stem from difficult events in your past. Its exhausting for you to go around carrying guilt and angst on all sorts of things and thinking that its your fault/responsibility when it really really isn't. If anything comes out of this visit, it should be you addressing this and getting some support with dealing with these feelings. x

YOU haven't made it worse. SHE has

And with everyone pandering and walking on eggshells why would she change?

Do you make yourself the scapegoat in other situations?

Grace very obviously had major issues with alcohol. Personally, I won't be reading anymore of her lectures.

That doesn't explain why you accept bad behaviour and attitude?

None of this is on your. Her behaviour has consequences

She doesn't even sound like a friend at all.

Why are you bothered?

@graceinspace999 If someone is having a sip of wine whilst sat at a table, does that negatively affect the health of a person sat on another table next to theirs?

Alcohol harms people just by existing. Many people have been harmed by alcohol, including all children of drinkers.

We are all brainwashed by the alcohol industry. Very few people stop at one glass on nice wine.

People drink in front of their kids. Now people even drink at kids parties and communions!

If alcohol came up today it would be banned immediately.

I don’t smoke but some one having a quick fag out through a window is not as lethal as alcohol.

We are all deluded and in denial about alcohol because we like it.

By the way I find the smell of wine nauseating. I will tolerate it if visitors want to drink and I will tolerate people smoking at an open door.

I don’t like hypocrisy - enjoy your wine.

Sounds like you have strong boundaries, well done and good for you.

Is she your sister you sound quite invested and upset for it just to be a family friend.

YANBU! She sounds like a nightmare and people like that will never respond well to boundaries.

Sounds like even they didn't want her to stay. I wonder why.

I would just block and move on. What she did was so in violation of your boundaries and you were right to kick her out. It sounds like she is a master manipulator of emotions. It's not your problem and you can't fix her. Noone would blame you for saying you've had enough. Imagine what a relief it would be not to have to worry about her reaction any more.

If her last minute flights cost a fortune then she can afford hotels/airb&bs/hostels and doesn't need to be a martyr sleeping on a floor.
You did the right thing. She sounds awful.

This.

No way is anyone that entitled sleeping on a floor. Especially a relative's.

Dump her. She sounds awful.

So it's just you and your home that she doesn't have respect for then? She doesn't give a shit about you.

100% reasonable,

Hell no!

I would find it so rude and would be fuming