To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

"Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying" girl are you sure that's your friend? 😂

anyway she had no respect, I can't believe she smoked in your kitchen without checking if you'd be ok with that first.

You did the right thing

She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK

You did the right thing. Do not have her back to stay! She sounds unpleasant. I know you said you care about her but walking on eggshells around her, allowing her to use your things and saying nothing, giving in to her bullying, etc, isn’t caring for her - it’s ensuring that she doesn’t learn and doesn’t reflect on her behaviour.

I’d ignore her texts. Next time she wants to stay, say No and briefly and calmly explain why. Maybe then she’ll stop being so self-centred and rude. Sometimes people like this need a shock to make them take notice. They rely on other people fussing around them, turning a blind eye, and walking on eggshells. Then when they mess up, it’s always them that’s the ‘innocent victim’ - even though they patently brought the situation upon themselves. Feeding the selfishness and lack of thought for others never works, and just makes them worse.

Given that she seems to have Form for this kind of behaviour I'm flabbergasted that anyone would invite her to stay in their home for any amount of time!!

YANU!

I wouldn't even let people smoke in my back garden....

Don't feel guilty. I wouldn't even allow anyone to smoke in my courtyard garden. I cant stand the smell. Smokers stink even when they are not smoking and I wouldn't want that in my house. They'd be welcome to vape but that's it.

Don't feel guilty. (This is known as FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - look it up.)

Family member or not - she is not your responsibility and brings you nothing but aggro.

Give her a wide berth and do not have her back in your home. And remember the phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".

People like that never learn and will always blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. You don't owe her anything and you're well rid of her.

I moved my toddler son any my room to give my dad a place to stay, amd he smoked cigars in my son's bedroom. Tbh I never forgave him for that.

It sounds to me as if she can't cope with being the unsuccessful one who always has to be grateful (I've been that person a lot in the past and i dont find it easy either). But she hasn't for whatever reason the ability or the strength to make a life where she can either give to people in other ways, or pay her way financially. She can only feel comfortable if there is drama and she is the victim and no longer has to be the one receiving things, so she created a situation where she is no longer having to be grateful to you. Now shes sleeping uncomfortably on a floor so has less to be grateful for, and it's a relative so she may feel more entitled to stay with them. I really wouldn't try to put her back in a situation she has kicked her way out of, and you certainly shouldn't feel guilty. Let her be.

I don’t understand why the sort of person you describe in such terms can really be a friend, rather than someone you just happen to know.

YANBU I hate smoking inside. The nicotine smell clings to everything. My ex's mate's used to walk in with a fag in their hand. This was late 90's-early 00's before the smoking ban. Even though they knew we had young children. One who's DS is about 9 months older than mine even told me he doesn't believe it affects them. About a year later his son had to have grommets put in for glue ear and they were told not to smoke around him.

I wouldn't have asked her to leave, but would have been very annoyed with her. But totally understand how you felt and reacted.

I doubt she's sleeping on a floor, tell her to cut out the fbags and pay for a hostel bed. She sounds awful, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Why on earth do you want her to come back?!

Having a few drinks and not tolerating smoking is hardly hypocrisy. My glass of wine does not harm my guests. Cigarette smoke would.

She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times

Why exactly are you friends with this person?

House guests shouldn't just be ok, however she wasn't if she was using your toiletries. You've over accepted her bad behaviour and have been worn down by her and her emotional manipulation. You are entitled to have boundaries and rules in your own home. It's worse because she couldn't smoke inside anywhere else, but thinks you don't matter.

No, she wasn't. She broke the rules twice. Once would have been enough for many people.

Fuck that. Im a smoker. I don’t want smoke in my house. She sounds like a dick.

I dont smoke and don’t worry too much about it.

I try to be tolerant with my guests and designate a place for them to smoke.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite given that alcohol is the most dangerous and destructive drug around and like most people I do enjoy a few drinks 🤷‍♀️

All the more reason to have strong boundaries. If a person isn't going to behave reasonably and respectfully of their own accord, and you want them in your life, the only thing you can do is be very clear what you will tolerate and show them the consequences for overstepping.

She would been out the first time I caught her smoking in my kitchen. She’s a terrible house guest and given everything else you say about her, I wouldn’t want someone like that as a friend.

She's got a hold over you. Sounds like the type of person who is constantly creating drama and then whining about being a victim of it. She was rude and disrespectful and I bet the type of person who takes a mile when given an inch. You shouldn't have said she could come back on this visit. Have boundaries and stick to them. Don't feel bad about it and be a little less available for her whining.

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house.

I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times.

Seriously @FgsMary why are you friends with this person?

She sounds awful!

You did no wrong chucking her out, and she is a cheeky entitled mare! You're well rid. Now ghost her!

Yanbu. She's bang out of order. Do not let her stay again.

A friend has been staying.
She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times.

Why is she your friend? She doesn't sound like a nice person to be around. Maybe concentrate on that question rather than doubting yourself over your house/smoking boundaries.