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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask guest to leave for smoking in the bedroom?

382 replies

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 09:43

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
FgsMary · 06/07/2024 10:50

To everyone commenting on why I'm friends with her....She's not a friend friend. I don't see her, she lives abroad. I've never visited her. I don't like her lifestyle or country she lives in. We occasionally talk on the phone and she can be very supportive and lovely. She's not someone I'd hang out with (and vice versa) but she is like family and her parents are very important to me. It was a favour to her and her family that really meant something to everyone. We all thought she might have mellowed with age but she's worse than ever really. It has all caused a lot of upset all round. Yes, it's her behaviour that's the cause of it all (not just the smoking) and she's upset everyone but I feel dreadful that I've made it all worse. She feels adrift in life and not welcomed anywhere and I don't want anyone to feel like that. She's most certainly not a dreadful person. Just a challenging complex one.

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 06/07/2024 10:50

BMW6 · 06/07/2024 09:48

I'm a smoker (well vapes) - YANBU as you made it perfectly clear that you didn't want any smoking in the house!

She is a rude fucker and she owes you massive apologies, but I still wouldn't let her stay again

Apart from the smoking issue she sounds bloody AWFUL

Hard agree with this.

The real question here is why you think of someone as a friend who is "a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times"

She's dreadful. I'd rather no friends at all than this woman.

minny80 · 06/07/2024 10:50

Lifechanging12 · 06/07/2024 09:47

You let her into your house to stay (assuming for free?)

You told her no to smoking at all in the house after catching her do it. She pulled a face at you like a teenager.

She disrespected you and done it again in the bedroom

YABU for asking her to come back to stay. YANBU for telling her to leave.

100% this.

AuntMarch · 06/07/2024 10:48

She showed absolutely no respect. I'd have shown her the door too.
Given everybody else walks on egg shells too, I don't see why you're doubting yourself.

Jetstream · 06/07/2024 10:47

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 09:43

A friend has been staying. She lives abroad but is over here on holiday for 3 weeks. Day 1, she smoked in the kitchen. I told her no smoking at all in the house. She pulled a face but from then on, smoked in the garden. I then became aware that she was sneakily smoking in the bedroom at night (blowing it out of window). She is a very tricky person anyway. Very aggressive, confrontational, awkward, selfish, bullying at the best of times but I'd bit my lip for a week and it had mainly been OK. I asked her if she'd been smoking in the bedroom. She said no but then later text me to say that she had and she was sorry. I told her she should find somewhere else to stay and she left that day. I feel dreadful though and I should probably have just said again not to smoke inside but not asked her to leave. She's now playing the victim and acting like I'm the bad guy. Was I out of order? I have said she's welcome to come back and I've seen her since but she's said no to coming back and she's sleeping on a relatives floor instead.

Nope, completely with you OP. Mumsnetters give out to posters about not having strong boundaries yet when posters do, Mumsnetters still give out.
You told no smoking in the house she ignored you. Fair play forvstanding up to her. Ignoring her whining.

Lucytheloose · 06/07/2024 10:46

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 10:11

She lives abroad, so we only see each other every few years. Everyone has been dreading her coming over because you have to walk on eggshells around her otherwise there's fireworks. I knew it would be tricky having her to stay but I was determined to just button my lip. I managed it aswell for a week but then drew the line at the smoking. She doesn't have an easy life for many different reasons and I care for her.

Is she really a friend, or just someone you are lumbered with?

Wexone · 06/07/2024 10:46

You were so not rude!! she was the one that was rude. smoking is a disgusting habit. it makes people stink and that odour hangs around them long after they have finished. I wouldn't allow any one to smoke in my house or gardens. and I am the same with vapes disgusting. you were so right and I wouldn't feel one bit guilty your friend should be and be grovelling to you.

readingismycardio · 06/07/2024 10:45

Good for you. You need to establish boundaries and then be able to enforce them, too. Very few adults can do this.

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 06/07/2024 10:44

Janedoe82 · 06/07/2024 09:45

You were a bit harsh.

No she was not, I will be very pissed if a friend came to stay with me and started smoking in my house especially after I have told her not to.

PaleSunlightOfHope · 06/07/2024 10:43

I'm surprised you are friends with her, she does not sound very nice. And three weeks is too long for a house guest!

Toomuch44 · 06/07/2024 10:42

Your house, your rules. If she can't respect that and the fact you don't want your home smelling of cigarette smoke, then you did the right thing. She'd certainly have been asked to leave by both of us here.

SoupDragon · 06/07/2024 10:42

if you are told a house is non smoking you don't smoke in it full stop.

My house is no smoking.

That said, none of my friends smoke.

Winter2020 · 06/07/2024 10:41

Why should you button your lip while this woman tramples your boundaries?

Every quality you describe her having sounds horrible so just leave her at her relatives house. Sleeping on cushions won’t kill her. She could have stayed at yours and all she had to do is not smoke in the house. She has stropped off as she can’t stand you telling her what to do - as you have said she is not able to smoke in the floor sleeping house anyway!

Leave her be. If you speak to her just say - “Yes - it’s probably better for our friendship if we aren’t living together! How are you…..”. You have known each other since childhood but if she has grown up to be an awful bully why would you want to know her now?

gamerchick · 06/07/2024 10:39

It always feels uncomfortable when you enforce a boundary. If she's hard work then others will know that. Let go of the horrible feelings. It gets easier the more you do it

LemonySnickets · 06/07/2024 10:39

I'd have done the same!

Original poster
FgsMary · 06/07/2024 10:39

MissMoneyFairy · 06/07/2024 10:29

I doubt she's sleeping on a floor, tell her to cut out the fbags and pay for a hostel bed. She sounds awful, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

She's sleeping on cushions on the floor of her parents house. They have house guests too, so all bedrooms are full.

OP posts:
Rachelfmoon · 06/07/2024 10:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Waffle78 · 06/07/2024 10:38

graceinspace999 · 06/07/2024 10:24

I dont smoke and don’t worry too much about it.

I try to be tolerant with my guests and designate a place for them to smoke.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite given that alcohol is the most dangerous and destructive drug around and like most people I do enjoy a few drinks 🤷‍♀️

Roy Castle died of lung cancer from passive smoking. Even though he had never smoked. After his death his wife campained for the smoking ban. Alcohol might affect the drinker's behaviour and annoy other people. But it doesn't have an effect on their health. Before the smoking ban whenever I went on a night out I would have an irritating cough the next day. Even though I don't smoke. We were just supposed to put up with it was the norm.

graceinspace999 · 06/07/2024 10:37

Maray1967 · 06/07/2024 10:28

Having a few drinks and not tolerating smoking is hardly hypocrisy. My glass of wine does not harm my guests. Cigarette smoke would.

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Alcohol is destructive in so many ways - too many to list here but a few googled moments will show you.

A bit of smoke blowing in on the wind through an open window or door is hardly going to do much harm unless the person has serious medical problems.

Duckingella · 06/07/2024 10:37

YANBU

I don't allow smoking in my home;my husband has recently quit and even he didn't smoke in the house.

If you're a renter then many rental agreements state no smoking.

Onelifeonly · 06/07/2024 10:37

By defying you deliberately, she courted her own 'punishment' and now she's sulking after you asked her to go back. You have zero reason to feel guilty. All her issues are her own. Leave her to it.

Andthereitis · 06/07/2024 10:36

No smoking in the house means no smoking in the house.

If she never talks to you again, is it a loss?

Catsbreakfast · 06/07/2024 10:36

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 09:55

She's a childhood friend. We grew up together. I am very close to her family. They're like my family. She has lots of issues. There's been tears every night from her. I can't turn my back entirely.

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She sounds manipulative and quite frankly not very nice. You can turn your back on her if she cannot respect you and treat you like you deserve. That’s not a friendship.

OneTC · 06/07/2024 10:35

I don't think what you did was wrong and I understand that sometimes familial and close friendships can be complicated things so get why you feel guilty as well. I'd probably feel the same and like I should have just sucked it up for a bit.

Sleeping on the relatives floor is her fault though, I was originally gonna say you were harsh until I read that she had been told before. That's taking the piss, and complicated or not, it's a blatant disregard of your hospitality

willWillSmithsmith · 06/07/2024 10:35

FgsMary · 06/07/2024 09:52

I do feel incredibly guilty. I've known her my whole life. It's caused all kinds of issues and I feel awful that she's now sleeping on the floor on cushions, even though her actions caused all this.

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Well hopefully that’ll be lesson for her that she can’t just do what she likes in someone else’s home.

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