To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

That's a very good point!

In my experience, these things don’t come ‘naturally’ to some kids (NT & ND) and they really need help to learn these skills. I also think that making these statements can leave parents feeling terrible!

If my manager came up to me and told me I was doing a shit job and “should” be doing XYZ, I don’t think I’d be in a particularly good headspace!

Wouldn’t it be better for you to share some advice/tips rather than state what should be happening?

Nobody is talking about young children being criminals.
The truth though is the longer this kind of behaviour is excused or minimised by a parent, the harder it becomes to turn things around. Not impossible, it just takes much more work. It is much easier to tackle it when they are very young.
A child of 4 lashing out as a one off is normal. Repeatedly lashing out and kicking is not.

Ofc it is not.
MN is full of silly people.
My skin very easily gets marks, I had them from a year old baby grabing my hand while learning to walk.
I cqnnot imagine why would someone decide to work in a prumary school and then decide to ignore a child obviously seaking attention.
Some people/children use physical touch as a way of communication. It is not bad ffs.

My little boy was then removed from assembly a whllile later by a more senior teacher and was told off. She also asked him why he had done it but by this time he had forgotten. Whilst I understand that isnis never acceptable to grab, he tells me that he didn't know her name and that he wanted to walk with her to assembly.

These two statements contradict each other. Which is it - had he already forgotten the whole thing a few minutes later or did he tell you about his perfectly reasonable motivations unprompted hours later?

Children behave in many ways that would be criminal/unacceptable in an adult and we correct them and guide them towards appropriate behaviour, ideally in a positive, non-judgemental way. Hysteria helps no one.

My DC has been on the receiving end of being hit by another child and, while it was not very nice, was capable of understanding that Tom (not the real name) had problems with controlling his feelings sometimes. No angry intervention with school was necessary on my part and the teachers sorted it. Nor did I feel it incumbent on me to make Tom's mum feel like shit in the playground after school.

Try doing role play with teddies or hand puppets. If you practice scenarios with him he might be better able to deal with things rather than grabbing or hitting out.

My reception age child knows that if you want a teacher you put your hand up and say excuse me miss.

We are currently practicing how to deal with aggressive behaviour. I'm teaching her how to say No, that is not kind. No, don't touch me. No, I don't like that.

So far she's been scratched on several occasions. She's been pinched. She's been kicked. She's had her arm twisted and she's had three several head related injuries. Now chairs are being thrown in class. In my experience the school plays down incidents. I've formally raised concerns.

She will be starting karate soon. I'm actually taking her out of ballet because I think she'll be better off knowing how to defend herself moving forward.

Wise up! If this TA thinks this is "assault", she's in the wrong job!

Hi OP
Your little boy sounds a bit like mine! He is a joy with an amazing personality, but managing frustration and excitement does not come easy to him. All children are so different and I think for some this sort of thing comes much easier!
My little boy struggles to tolerate anger, frustration and excitement and has expressed them with squeezing, pinching and hitting. It’s been hard work figuring out how to manage this in a way which feels boundaried as well as kind. What I’ve found enormously helpful are Dr Becky’s podcasts about this. She talks about how teaching children skills to manage these emotions is at the heart of managing this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7fiazouNjA0

I’ve been taking this approach with my 5 year old for a few months and I feel much more confident in my approach - and it seems (fingers crossed) to be doing the trick. Just today I heard him saying how he felt rather than “acting” it! Good luck

he grabbed her arm for attention, he didn't belt her because he was angry!!

By four he should have learned
A) he can't have adults attention all the time just because he wants it
B) he can't just act on impulse
C) to use his voice/speech to get attention, not his body.

The fact it’s not lashing out (as in not being in control of his emotions) in some ways makes it worse that he thinks grabbing someone so hard he leaves a mark is a good way to get attention. He needs to learn ways to get attention without hurting others.

@Crunchingleaf he wasn't lashing out!!

Yeah that bloody wet TA if only she'd not bothered to make such a fuss 😂

This, with bells on!

Good for you. Some small children do hit, kick and scratch, especially if their needs are not met or they're overwhelmed. I'm surprised anyone would make it out to be abnormal behaviour - it's not, but it is a sign that intervention and emotional scaffolding/support are needed.

We don't hold under 10s criminally liable for their actions for a reason. So it's no more "assault" in the criminal sense than being kicked by an upset horse.

He did that previously, he's been working on it.

TODAY he grabbed a TA's arm to get her attention, that's NOT lashing out

From my circle of people I know in teaching or early years there is a huge problem with parents who constantly minimise their child’s behaviour. If they are speaking to you on a few occasions please remember that they don’t need to discuss a child’s behaviour with most of the other parents. Your child is surrounded all day long by their peers and if you are being spoken to about behaviour then that means their behaviour is standing out negatively.

You can tell yourself that they can’t fully regulate themselves until 7 which is true but the majority of kids have stopped lashing out in anger in places like school or preschool by the time they are 4.

Look I know from my friend that it’s hard being the parent that the teacher is always trying to catch for a chat at drop off or collection. It’s the same one or two parents that get spoken to every time. Some kids genuinely do mature a bit slower but a parent needs to be aware of these things because for some kids a red flag.

*He struggles with regulating his emotions and sometimes when angry or upset will hit rather than use his words to explain what he wants or why he's upset. We have soent alot of time on this explaining how to vocalise what he wants but as I said, he's 4 and from all the parenting advice sites etc I gather that this is fairly normal behaviour for a child of his age"

Its not typical at 4 to hit unless in an extremely pressured/rare situation.

You have been very fortunate.

Sadly it sounds like he may have some behaviourial issues and they need to be properly addressed by you and the school before they worsen or are entrenched. Do not take a blinkered - 'oh he's just a little boy' - approach or you will be storing up problems. It's good you are concerned and aware, but don't end up becoming defensive.

The best way forwards is to make an appointment with the Head, Head of Year and his main teachers- and ask to discuss and how cou can work TOGETHER to support him. Denying the reality and seriousness of the issues is NOT going to help him, or you eventually, at all.

I would be concerned. It's not normal behaviour at that age and yes ypu need to be much harder on him or start looking at any patterns- this age ASD can be masked most of the time in school.

This.

Start parenting and stop trying to make excuses and blaming the staff.

Deal with the problem.

@Melisha
neither has she. A very small child grabbed her arm to get her attention, that's not abuse FFS.

@GoFigure235

But both are absolutely unacceptable.

The OP's DS has form for kicking or whacking (OP's words)...if my DC was on the receiving end I would be very pissed off.