To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

Reading that just made me wonder about his sensory profile - some kids are “sensory seeking” and have a greater need for certain sensory inputs. My son loves to squeeze my elbow (at times hard!) - I tell him that I understand he really wants/likes to squeeze but I’m not going to let him do that to me and give him a squeezy toy he can use instead. Just in case this might be relevant

Nursery and reception children I've known straight to say excuse me andcwwit. Not just grab at peoole. Yabu.

Well instead of your red flagging, what should the OP be doing here? Like some constructive?!

Yes, but the TA did not say that her arm was grabbed with significant force, or that it was done out of anger, and that he was trying to get her attention.

I for one don't understand why she didn't give him that attention but maybe it's down to inexperience.

This is a bit of a red flag for me as a teacher. Hitting and such behaviour is common for toddlers but not in Nursery or Reception at this stage of the year.

@Eshmee thanks for clearing that up. Would like to think it would end some of the wilder speculation but this is MN!

Good advice there from @Maria1979 !

My son (5) sounds very much like your son (also in Reception). He has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. He is impulsive and sometimes hits (much rarer now). He struggled in nursery / first term of school and was seen as 'naughty' though actually he is very anxious as we later discovered. However, lots of kids in his class have hit on occasion - it can be normal at 4. Less so if it is all the time. My son was more than expected for a typical 4 year old. I do think school are overreacting but I also think they should he considering support that he needs.

I feel like they should have spoken to your child about what he needed however also about how it’s not okay to grab people like that as it can hurt them etc

In the original post

he grabbed a teacher assistant by the arm quite hard as she was walking past and this was hard enough to leave a little red mark on her arm. His teacher told me that this teacher assistant is new and was quite shocked

I'm not imagining anything of the sort. I am imagining how the reasonable parent would react in this situation and I think a lot of posters are over-reacting.

Yes, the behaviour clearly needs to be addressed and the OP said she was already doing that. Maybe she needs to strengthen her methods but it would be a lot more help if some of those sitting in their self-satisfied sanctimony could actually suggest some suitable interventions instead.

Dear OP, please don't worry too much! Your little boy is not a thug and even if you felt accused by the school maybe they were just stating the facts so you could talk to your son about it?
I have a SEN child who used to do this a lot. What I did was to spend LOTS of time with him interacting with other children in playgrounds so that I could intervene before he lashed out in order to give him tools to communicate effectively. Ex. Someone takes his toy, I can see him getting angry, I take his hand and I tell him "I can see you are very upset the little boy took your toy, should we ask for him to give it back? What do we say...please can I etc etc" and so on. Validate his feelings, teach him appropriate actions to take, invite other children to play games. It's a lot of work! If you, your husband and another family member that would be great. If he has violent actions at home be calm, firm and send him to his room.
I would avoid gaming at his age if he has a problem regulating his emotions but that's your call. Remember he is only four and he is still learning how to behave and communicate in a social accepted manner. Also try to ask him how it feels when someone hits/pushes to develop his empathy. If your child is NT you won't have to work as hard and as longtime as I had to with mine🙂.. best of luck!

Well let's find out then, shall we?

@Eshmee did the TA say that her arm was grabbed with significant force? Did she say it was done out of anger? Did she believe your DS was only trying to get her attention? Can you clarify the context, as it was shared with you? Save posters making things up.

You can imagine some of the people on this thread smiling indulgently as their 4 year old lamps another child at soft play and then saying "He's only 4. It's normal" when the other parent is annoyed they are not bothering to deal with it.

My daughter is 4 and if she grabbed someone just to get their attention (which I hope she wouldn't but like all 4 yos she sometimes makes bad choices) it would not leave a mark, which is why I'm guessing this child grabbed the TA with significant force in order to leave a mark and wasn't just trying to get their attention.

Come off it- as if that’s a standard that most 4 year olds have mastered!! Many adults still struggle with one or two of those 😂

I'm wondering why some adults lash out in anger... not that it is in any way acceptable... but really interesting that a few do when they should have known better by the time they were 4...

And before anyone says probably because they weren't parented properly - not always the case!

I think that because he has previously hit and kicked other children that the school have overreacted in this instance with grabbing the TAs arm. Had he not been violent previously then it would have been a one off incident but unfortunately he 'has form' for violence.

It is not normal for a 4 year old to hit and kick in response to another child annoying him. I would ask to meet with the school with a view to all working together and providing a consistent approach both at home and school.

Re the playstation, are you sure he only plays Disney Cars and Paw Patrol? Do you supervise him on the playstation? Is he possibly being exposed to games more inappropriate to a 4 year old? I only ask as I work with young children and I know of children that were allowed to game from the age of 3 playing Fortnite and the like. They are quite violent in their actions and words which they see as normal behaviour as it is what they have witnessed online. I'm not saying this is the case with your child but it is so important to keep an eye on exactly what your child is exposed to online and with gaming.

No, it’s normal behaviour for a 4yr old. I think you’re deceiving yourself and rewriting things a bit. Your DS had ‘forgotten all about it’ and yet was able to explain that he grabbed the TA ‘because he didn’t know her name’? Hmm. Most female TAs (and female teachers) are commonly addressed as ‘Miss’, even if their name is known. If a child sees someone they recognise as a TA but don’t know passing by, it’s very usual to simply call “Miss” too.

Personally I think you’re minimising your son’s behaviour and are trying to make up an excuse and false explanation for what was more likely a lash out at a TA in anger, hard enough to leave a mark. As others have said, TAs are used to having their arm tugged or their clothes tugged when children want attention, so they’d hardly bother to report it. Something more happened here.

My advice is to limit the PlayStation and help your son socially. Some children need teaching how to behave, often with actual ‘dramatisation’ and practising, while others pick it up easily. Go through scenarios that your son might meet, model how to act/react, and let your son practise.

No they're not making a big deal out of something small. Grabbing someone may be normal but so hard it makes a red mark... that's out of anger. They did need to react and tell you.

I don't know what you should do. And I don't see what the PlayStation has to do with it so I don't agree with the criticism of that.

But there I'd something in the tone like give them a whack that sounds like you're pretty used to this sort of reaction from your kids. For the school to say he's usually calm but if he's angry he hits... that would worry me. He's not usually calm if he hits more than once. To put it in perspective my reception child is pretty average in terms of anger management. He sometimes yells etc.. He's never hit or been hit since starting school or seen anyone hit. He would have told me!

So no the school aren't over reacting unfortunately. Keep trying your best to work through the issue and find better ways to help him manage his anger. I think a week of punishment won't help as its a long time to a kid, by day 5 he'll have no idea what your punishing him for and resent you and his sibling. I think you'll find a solution though as you're definitely trying to work it out.

My child is pleasant and well behaved in class with no hitting/kicking/grabbing or any other kind of lashing out.

He's also autistic with ADHD and has a huge amount of additional support (full time 1:1, speech and language therapy, occupational therapy, bla bla bla).

Being a pleasant and well-behaved kid does not mean no additional needs.

You've said you're disciplining your child with no PlayStation and no treats for a week, but you've also said that he can't remember why he did it - so what use is the punishment of removing things for a week?

God you expect a lot from an entire population of 4 year old boys!

You can help him avoid this in future.

Get little toy people like Lego people, and do a roll play / skit

Her are the children at school
this child wants the adults attention - I’ll go first,
This child says “excuse me miss!”
and she says “…”

you try it

I can't believe how many people are terming this as "assault" - a 4 year old boy grabbing a TA's arm to get her attention!

Nobody is "defending" it though. There's a huge difference. Give your head a wobble!