To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

You are totally minimising his behaviour. Not age appropriate to kick or whack others.

I feel sorry for that poor TA.

They are making a big deal - but at the same time, it’s a lesson for him - don’t grab! If they make a big deal about it now - less issues for you down the line!

Not age appropriate. 4 year olds shouldn’t be anywhere near a PlayStation.

This might explain the issue.

What is he playing and why?

It always was.

this isn’t typical or acceptable behaviour for any age and certainly not 4.

If the teachers are raising concerns there’s something to be concerned about.

I was being sarcastic. He’s a child YES so can comprehend right from wrong. It is ok that it was a little after the event.

Grabbing is wrong. You don’t grab anything. Basic manners.

@Worriedmotheroftwo we are realising that my reception is quite anxious too, though he seems quite cheerful outwardly. He bites his nails and is always looking for physical stimulation like chewing on things or tapping things. Have you found any useful ways for helping him?

Oh this makes me feel sad to read! I have some similar memories

My child does not hit anyone at school and did not at pre-school but there is a wide window of what can be normal behaviour.

I am a reception teacher. With 10+ years experience. Grabbing anybody because you want to walk to assembly with them isn’t normal behaviour. All reception children are perfectly capable of walking from their class to the hall without grabbing people. Imagine how difficult it would be if all the class grabbed people we’d never get the children to the hall. The children go to assembly because it is age appropriate to do so.
Your child is about to start year one and is still hitting other children to communicate their needs. This isn’t typical behaviour for their age. This is typical behaviour of a 2 year old. Our nursery children don’t hit out to communicate their needs. It sounds very much like your child has a communication delay. I’m sorry the school haven’t been able to tell you this.

My 4 year old boy is still very impulsive. He’s generally okay at pre school but absolutely loses his marbles at home after pre school and can still be violent. I could just see him doing something like this if his internal coke bottle wash shaken up just a bit too much at school and he just couldn’t hold it in any longer. So I think you’ve had a hard time for the actual incident OP.

But your punishments are ridiculous, lazy and ineffective. Spend time modelling with him how to react in scenarios. Give him phrases to say if he’s overwhelmed and needs a release. Talk to him when he’s calm about what’s okay and what isn’t behaviour wise. Removal from situations every single time he is violent with an explanation then move on. Honestly, what on earth is a 4 year old supposed to learn from having ‘treats’ (whatever that means) removed for 7 days?

No the teacher isn't making a big deal about nothing. You say your son has form for hitting and kicking when someone "upsets" or "antagonises" him. That is the definition of violent and aggressive behaviour. Your son hurt a member of staff and it will have been reported in an incident form. This is obviously becoming a pattern of negative behaviour that the school are noticing. The issue is if this isn't nipped in the bud now then he's going to be that child who's still hitting and kicking in year 1, year 2 etc and this issue becomes a much, much bigger issue.

Your post has lots of contradictions, you say he's not violent but then say he hits and kicks, you say he couldn't remember the incident but then was able to tell you exactly why he grabbed her, you say the school are over reacting but then say your punishing him at home etc

But ultimately you know your son, you know how he behaves, school are telling you how he behaves in school.

This likely can be turned around if you work with the school.

What is really interesting here is that I think some of the responses are written impulsively and without much thought or consideration.
In my opinion these posters are doing (as adults) something very similar to what they are criticising a 4 year old for doing

Oh for goodness sake. How was he “ physically assaulting “ someone.

Conmon sense has gone out the window these days. He’s four years old. I am a child care professional; if he had done that to me, I would have spoken to him and found out what he wanted but explained we mustn’t grab people.
It’s really not that difficult.

Good lord, the child wanted to walk with her in the assembly line! It was a moment of impulse! Children do that sometimes!

I agreed with you until I had a child who has a different cognitive profile to other children. Some children learn to do the things you’ve stated intuitively (I have a child like that too!); for others they can have remarkable strengths in one area and actually really struggle with using cutlery, with managing waiting and with tolerating feelings of frustration. It’s really hard work as a parent and requires extra thinking and planning and considering how to best support the child to develop these skills without being punishing and leaving them feeling like they’re “not good enough” because this stuff doesn’t come easy to them. To have other parents tell you that your child “should” be able to do this stuff - or look at you like you’re a bad parent - makes it all so much harder

According to the OP, the TA said none of this, "it sounds more like he has squeezed hard and dug his nails in,or pinched if he has left a red mark" [sic]

I read this -

This is a bit of a red flag for me as a teacher. Hitting and such behaviour is common for toddlers but not in Nursery or Reception at this stage of the year.

I'm not going to comb the thread to read every nugget you posted!!

I'm sorry you are getting all this crap and I know how shit it makes you feel as a mum. I posted about a trivial 5 year old demeanour of one of mine on a parenting site, and I actually cried. It was made out as if my child was the devil incarnate. It's 20 years ago and it still stings!

DC was going to hell in a handcart - I was a terrible mother. You know it's a load of shite but it hurts all the same! My child has grown up into a beautiful, successful, kind and decent human being. And it all happened in a flash!

So please, please don't be upset by the nasty judgemental comments! You wouldn't have posted here if you hadn't been concerned. Love your little boy, work with him and support him - he will grow up all too soon! He will move on to the next stage and all this will be history x

Thankyou for your lovely advice criticism.
if you read my first reply you will see I actually gave the OP advice to do a Neurodev referral with the school! 🙄

it sounds more like he has squeezed hard and dug his nails in,or pinched if he has left a red mark. i work with young children and they take my hand or tap or put their arms round me to get my attention.If je is in reception , he is a lot closer to 5 than 4.Stop minimising!

Reminds me of when I was at primary. A teacher walked past me in the playground and I wanted to hold her hand. I grabbed her hand as she went past and she shouted at me 'DON'T PINCH!' and stormed off with a face like thunder. I was only 6. I hadn't got a clue what I had done wrong. All I wanted to do was hold the miserable old trouts hand. How dreadful of me.

@Eshmee I bet you're regretting posting on here, I'm sorry OP. I've turned to Mumsnet for advice before with something similar and got absolutely savaged for it. Your little boy sounds fine to me, he's 4! I don't know why people here expect 4 year olds to have complete control over their emotions when many adults don't.

I understand the overwhelming urge to try and find a solution or punishment that will work. It's a horrible feeling when your child is "that child", but what's worked for us is just time, lots of love, modelling behaviour, sticker charts for good behaviour, and calm conversations. If your child is struggling with his emotions and possibly not making connections between his actions and consequences, punishment may not work.

Did you get a private adhd dx? Paeds told me my son won’t go on the cahms waiting list until he is 6 and a half (in 2 years) and I know through my job that our waiting list is over four years :(

Exactly, 4! Old enough to use the bathroom independently, use phonics, use cutlery, ask for a drink, do crafts .... but not put his hand up or wait for an appropriate time to ask a question... Good lord.