To think that my sons teacher is making a big deal out of something quite small

He wasn't lashing out but he still grabbed her hard enough to leave a mark?

The behaviour you've described of hitting, leaving marks, being disruptive and having to be spoken to by senior staff members does suggest this is a much bigger issue than him just wanting her attention. He's nearly 5 and he school have spent a whole year working on these issues, I'm curious at what point do you think his behaviour should be considered a problem?

When the school report these things to parents they have to use very careful wording which often makes things sound more clinical and less serious I find.
Reality is it’s not okay to grab anyone hard enough to leave a mark.

There was clearly no ill-intent there at all- he was trying to communicate. The issue is that he appears to have some differences in the way that he communicates. He has hit other children in the past, so it does need addressing and the incident with the TA was just part of a wider conversation. Once he is supported to manage this, he will have a much more positive experience at school which will reinforce these changes in approach (once established with him) even more.

While I'm not entirely disagreeing with your comment, he was removed from assembly and spoken to by a senior teacher because the TA and his class teacher failed to deal with the incident right away when it happened.

Why have you punished him? It’s clear from your messages that you think the school overreacted. He’s already been told off there. I agree with you - it is ott. Why are you letting random mumsnetters make you question yourself and then giving the poor child a punishment at home as a result?

He grabbed her hard enough to leave a mark.
He has form for hitting at school and can't self regulate his emotions.
He was removed from assembly and dealt with by a senior teacher.

In the kindest possible way OP I think you're minimising and excusing his behaviour.

While lashing out at this age may be age appropriate at home, it certainly isn't at school and far from the 'norm'. Rather than seeing your son as a victim you really need to work with the school on how he can be be supported moving forward as this doesn't sound like a one off.

It sounds to me like they are conflating two situations.

As a TA, I often walk through school and have younger children ‘grab’ me. They mean no harm but know it’s the quickest and easier way to get my attention. Others will think it’s inappropriate but it doesn’t bother me at all, so if your son did the same, I’d just ask him what he wanted.

However, reception children generally don’t use violence/aggression with their peers to communicate. He is about to move up a class at school, so I would be looking at strategies to manage his behaviour.

This is why schools can’t recruit TAs. No one on minimum wage should expect to be hurt in the course of a normal working day. Parent your child and teach him tools and strategies that mean he doesn’t resort to lashing out. Yes he’s little, but they learn very quickly.

I'm sorry, but this is not typical behaviour for nursery OR reception. I teach in both and can recall being tapped frequently but never grabbed. I have children that age too. The new TA was most likely shocked at being grabbed and waiting to be spoken to with your Child's request. The school are letting you know he has a problem with physical boundaries, so you can work in partnership with them. It's not personal, they're doing their job to teach behaviour, safeguard staff and keep you informed. Support and thank them.

Did he go to nursery? @Eshmee

Has he been in reception a full year?

I can’t see how a 4yo could make a mark in an adults arm doing that unless he is huge. And an adult working in a school setting (even if new) should be prepared for children who need support with communication and social skills.

Actually it can be normal. It's still within typical developmental bounds at age 4 to become emotionally disregulated and hit out. Not ideal and not socially acceptable, but not abnormal. There's a reason other countries start school at age 6. In America a child of this age would be in pre-K, not even kindergarten. As for "violence", he grabbed a teachers arm to get her attention before she could get too far away and probably misjudged the distance.

OP, my child was like yours at age 4. A year later and he has matured and these incidents are becoming increasingly rare. It's not uncommon for some children, especially boys, to just need more time to emotionally regulate. School can be an overwhelming place for littlies.

Schools are pretty much zero tolerance on any sort of physical contact these days. In many ways that's a good thing, of course, and no-one should be getting walloped at work. However, the teaching assistant who was so "shocked" that she couldn't speak at being grabbed by a 4 year old...is in the wrong job and needs to grow up a bit. Perhaps she would be happier as a professional flower arranger or something, it's quite rare to be grabbed by a gladiolus.

Well I don't. They're all shattered at this time of the year, and maybe he was over-exuberant? We will never know though will we? Because it wasn't dealt with at the time.

Younger kids often don't know their own strength. TA should have stopped and explained that he hurt her and asked what he wanted/needed. Teacher did nothing wrong relaying the facts to you. If she used some flowery language, ignore it. But definitely talk to your son about trying to use his words rather than just grabbing, especially someone he doesn't know.

I don't think the main problem is your son. The problem is you, who thinks this is normal behaviour and "ok" for your son to do.

This is a child, not a dog. His behaviour can be worked on. Nobody is letting him get away with it, but the TA should have spoken to him at the time, or the class teacher should have done. Not some time after the event.

This child is nearly 5. Yes I think at 5 that's pretty abnormal especially after a whole year of being in a school setting.

I don't think it's abnormal either?

A child grabbing an adult hard enough to leave a mark is quite hard.

You sound intent on just brushing evening off due to age.
Young kids tend to do things like this when messing about, but developmentally by school age they really should understand standing in line and not reaching out to grab a teacher physically.

This is one of many reasons why children should not be in school aged 4. He's so little, and whilst hitting & grabbing isn't acceptable, he's clearly showing he needs more input, which I just don't think they can get in a formal, school.setting. Right now he should be learning through play in a nursery/home environment.

No it’s not normal to be hitting and for everyone to ignore it. Children do sometimes lash out, but you can’t just let them get on with it, they need to know right from wrong.

“Young 4yo's live in the here and now” so do dogs- again, they need training 😕😆

At nearly 5 and a year into school, hitting in anger or frustration is not particularly common.
Do you respond positively to being physically grabbed in a way that causes pain and leaves a mark? I don’t.
I teach eyfs myself and I wouldn’t have walked away from him but there would have been stern words and perhaps a consequence for hurting someone.
This particular incident was perhaps not dealt with perfectly but you really sound like you are minimising his behaviours. Would you be happy if it was him being hit at school??

I think the TA and the school over-reacted. They often do tbh. He's only 4, and he was trying to attract their attention. She has a lot to learn about dealing with young children.

Some TAs have a lot worse than that to contend with.