Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

Is this correct OP?

You don't cancel frequently or every time you've actually cancelled twice in 7 months and seen them in between those times

The first time you woke up ill and couldn't manage a hike and they go annoyed with you

The second time you didn't actually cancel, they asked if you were available and you said no because it was the only time you were getting to spend with your kids in the entire holidays. So not a cancellation

The third time you didn't commit, you said you'd make it if you could, as you might have to work. It turned out that you did have to work, and you told them as soon as you found out whoch eas 48 hours in advance. It's not voluntary overtime or a zero hours contract where you have complete control over if and when you work, it's your standard shifts.

If that's the case then they are being completely unreasonable. It's not like you couldn't be bothered, or binned them off for a better offer. What do they actually expect you to do? Do a long hike with a fever? Lie to your boss and call in sick so you can go on a casual walk? Say yes to things you don't want to do? Life happens even when people aren't flakey - people get ill, loved ones need care, emergencies happen. I know a couple of people like your friends and they have no empathy, all they can think about is how someone else's misfortune (eg a nasty migraine, car break down) has affected them and their weekend plans, rather than thinking what it must be like for their friends who had to abandon coming to visit them after waiting for the AA for 7 hours on the motorway

I suppose eveyrbody is free to decide what type of friends they want, no? I have had my share of bereavement and been a carer for illness in the past. Nevertheless, I am still not up for being cancelled on repeatedly. I'd rather not suggest meeting in that case and wait till the friend emerges from their stressy phase.

I presume we won’t get the ages of your kids then OP?

I don't really understand people who are really stern about cancelling social catchups, and who go on about how awful that is. If friendship is just another chore that requires the stress of keeping to regular appointments out of fear you'll drop off schedule, like a job or a benefits hearing, and if your friends don't understand or accept that you can be unwell or depressed on the day of a previously planned outing, then what is even the point of having friends? There's enough stress in life as it is. You might as well just remove the optional chores from your plate.

I've had a major bereavement in my family last year and as a result I'm also now a carer for another family member with chronic illness. This means I can rarely plan social appointments or keep to them these days, and true friends have been understanding and supportive. It's not like I'm cancelling to go to a different party! There was this one woman who was very offended by it and I was frankly flabbergasted, we are no longer friends. You think I should prioritise a pint with you over my family's life and health? Really?

Well said.

Possibly. But she’s already said they were old enough to stay on their own. Not that that’s relevant really. I was just interested.

From OP’s posts:
The second time I said in advance I wouldn’t make it as I had my kids.

I have said since then I’ll come if I can, but I can’t be definite as something might come up.

I told them in advance I couldn’t do one because it was half term and my only day off that week to spend with my kids.

Even when I said in advance i couldn’t come because I was spending the day with my kids.

But because one of them had a go about that, the next time it was planned I did say I was with the kids.

I told the friends in advance I wouldn’t be coming as I was spending one day taking my kids out. I did not cancel on the friends on that occasion, they were told beforehand.

They asked if I could come on that date and I said I couldn’t as I’d be with the kids.

the next they knew I wasn’t going to make it anyway,

I disagree.

I think you worded your OP badly - not committing to plans and saying you need to see about work/kids first is very different to cancelling last minute and letting them down.

You perhaps need to be more direct with them and say something like “I can’t commit to that day as I’m still waiting for my shifts at work to be confirmed, I’ll let you know if I can make it”. Or be more proactive at arranging things at times that you know you can make.

It doesn't actually say that anywhere. Yes it says she told them in advance she couldn't make it but it doesn't say she told them at the time they arranged it she could do that day. She told them in advance that time rather than on the same day. Nowhere does it say when they arranged it I said I was unavailable.

There's a big difference between not being able to make something due to work, kids etc and so not agreeing to go, and cancelling existing plans. The former is totally fine, the latter is totally irritating.

So they’ve arranged to have a walk and get angry if you say you cannot attend, even if you say so as soon as they ask?

They sounds ridiculous and annoying. OP how old are they? Are they nerdy? Because it sounds like there are some social rules fallacies happening here.

She didn’t make the arrangements and did say no at the outset!

So why make the arrangement for a time you knew you were having kids. You should have said no at the outset not yes and then bail. This is the point I was making. Don't make arrangements you know you can't stick to.

There are 2 alternatives here, either the person you’ve fallen out with is a massive bitch looking to fall out with you, or she was genuinely hurt. You need to work out which it is.

Personally I hate friends who cancel- so I would have replied to the message with another apology and made sure next time I only made plans I could keep (and I would have bent over backwards to keep them if I valued the friendships). I think your reply about being kinder sounds really passive-aggressive as well, I don’t think she really needed to be kind TBH. You’d cancelled on her 3 times!

How old are your kids, OP?

I have a few flaky friends that drive me mad so was initially leaning towards you being at least a little bit U but having read the details I really don't think you are. I wouldn't even count the 2nd time as cancelling if you said from the start you wouldn't be able to come - you never committed to it so you couldn't have let anyone down.

It's over a span of 7 months and you've been to multiple other things inbetween so it's not as if you're always dropping out - just 2 out of many events. The others still went and nobody lost any money.

It sounds like maybe you are quite busy, so did the group perhaps specifically organise this walk on the day you could go? If so, I can see why friend might have been slightly annoyed, I've been the same when it's an absolute nightmare trying to organise a date everyone in a group can do, and then frustrating when the people who were most awkward about a date are the ones to drop out - because you think oh for gods sake if we'd know you weren't going to come anyway we would have done it months ago/on the day that was better for the rest of us rather than the one which you said was the only one you could do. But even then, if it's not something that happens a lot it's a 'roll your eyes to yourself' kind of annoyance, sending a sarky message is unnecessary.

why were you spending the day with your kids if you had made plans to spend the day with your friends? Had your babysitting fallen through or something?

@LuckySantangelo35 OP hadn't made plans with her friends that day, she just told her friends she was spending the day with her children.