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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

357 replies

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 16:29

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

OP posts:
lowsugarchilli · 06/07/2024 08:02

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Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 06/07/2024 08:01

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I was really upset when I wrote the post. I have apologised for not being clear enough in my OP. It seems to want to personally attack me. 🤔

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lowsugarchilli · 06/07/2024 08:00

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Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 06/07/2024 07:58

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My kids ages are completely irrelevant to the discussion. I’m entitled to choose to spend my day off with them. They are my number 1 priority. Does it matter if they’re 3, 10, 14 or 18? I told the friends I couldn’t go that occasion so I did not cancel on them.

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lowsugarchilli · 06/07/2024 07:41

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Greydays10 · 06/07/2024 07:32

When you juggle a lot, things come up.
Thank goodness me and my friends are understanding of this.
We would never have a go at each other, not least in these circumstances when no one was inconvienced.

OP, I wouldn't tolerate being lectured in these circumstances.
Let them off and focus on friends that understand that life is busy and sometimes flexibility is required.

You weren't able to join your friends, you certainly didn't let anyone down by not going, or prevent them from going ahead without you.

Oh and the suggestion that someone would blow off work for a walk, in a job they need, must be on glue.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 06/07/2024 07:30

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Are you one of OP's walking group? You seem curiously invested in labelling her the unreasonable one.
OP has explained many times that her children are old enough to leave on their own. But, unaccountably, OP wanted to spend that one day of the half term when she wasn't working, with her kids! Hard to fathom I know.
And she has explained that she did not cancel that time, she said up front she couldn't make the date.

lowsugarchilli · 06/07/2024 07:18

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allaboardtheplaybus · 06/07/2024 07:16

Tbh you clearly think you were being perfectly reasonable so I don't know why you've started the thread.

Most people have suggested that yes, you're pretty flaky and your friends have reason to be pissed off but you've come back with one defence after another 😂

lowsugarchilli · 06/07/2024 07:08

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lowsugarchilli · 06/07/2024 07:06

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Mary46 · 05/07/2024 23:18

Yes I remember my friend cancelling years ago at the last minute and I had a young baby to juggle. So sometimes its not that easy like the op said. She sounds genuine not sure what age her kids are.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 05/07/2024 23:02

OP I hope reading these responses is helping you to clarify your thoughts. The people here calling you flaky seem to have no understanding of the responsibilities you are having to juggle. They are lacking in empathy, and sound quite immature in their selfcentredness.
I hope you are seeing your friends in a more critical light. You really don't need to apologise to them. Of course a single working mum is going to have daytime commitments.
Your friends don't seem to understand how lucky they are that they can just pick a day and be confident that they will make it.

Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 22:23

Mary46 · 05/07/2024 21:51

There is def more to juggle when u have kids. Op maybe you have outgrown these friends.

I think so too. There’s been other stuff that’s been off, like slagging a mutual acquaintance off then sucking up to them on FB. I’ve come to realise that one person is toxic, the other is forthright, and the other is really lovely and hasn’t commented at all on me not going other than to say sorry we’ve missed you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 22:18

Sconeswithnutella · 05/07/2024 21:51

Some people are so uptight! I agree with the poster who said that friendships are not supposed to be so rigid. My friends and I have quite demanding family commitments and jobs so frequently cancel on each other, not because we want to but because life gets in the way. I don’t think YABU OP. You cancelled going for a walk, not going to someone’s wedding.

Thanks. I didn’t want to cancel and felt bad about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 22:17

letsgoooo · 05/07/2024 22:11

Becoming unwell and having a job isn't standing people up.

Show quote history

Maybe they meant ‘stood them up’ three times. 🤔

OP posts:
letsgoooo · 05/07/2024 22:16

Hesma · 05/07/2024 17:20

It really pisses me off when flaky people repeatedly cancel plans. I’d just wouldn’t bother inviting you as it’s downright rude!

Rude to get ill?
Rude to say no when the event is first suggested as you know you can't go?
How are these rude?

letsgoooo · 05/07/2024 22:14

Absolutelyfractious · 05/07/2024 16:58

Sorry OP I've got a frequently flakey friend and to get to the stage of telling you off, either it's hit a nerve with your friend or maybe a pattern has emerged that maybe goes back further than this.

Just don't be a flake. Either prioritise your arrangements or don't make them at all. I know fomo and all that but your just disappointing your friends.

One time she was unwell
The second time she never said she was going. She said no at the outset
Third time work happened.

So only number 3 was even possibly something avoidable.

Do you regularly get angry with friends for getting ill and for saying they can't attend something when it's first suggested because of childcare?

letsgoooo · 05/07/2024 22:11

Balloonhearts · 05/07/2024 16:46

You've stood them up 3 times. I'd have told you to do one by now and found better friends.

Becoming unwell and having a job isn't standing people up.

letsgoooo · 05/07/2024 22:10

Jeschara · 05/07/2024 16:40

I don't know how you can't see that this looks bad and flaky. To be fair they seem fed up with you.
Please be careful, you will lose friends if you carry on like this.

Getting ill and then having to work is hardly being flaky. How precisely would a non flaky person handle this?

Mary46 · 05/07/2024 21:51

There is def more to juggle when u have kids. Op maybe you have outgrown these friends.