Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

I did too.

I’d be sat outside waiting for her to come out of her house for an hour- I honestly think she waited until I turned up to get ready. Another friend and I called her out on it and met up instead- this did correct her behaviour for awhile then she just stopped coming with us.

Either say no from the outset or say I’ll come if I can, don’t work around me/ make the plan and let me know. I’ll come if I can. I’m in that position with DD and DM health issues. We always go in groups so that everyone has a good time and nobody works around me. I always pay my way too and I’ll never agree to things like mini breaks. They understand.

@lacefan
It wasn't even in a row. OP has made it clear she's seen them in between

She didn't cancel three times in a row. The second occasion she said upfront that she couldn't go as there was a clash. They abd you have somehow decided to take that as a cancel. I dint know anyone who would call that a cancel or flakey.
'Day out next Friday?'
'Sorry no, have commitments'

How in your mind is that a cancel?

But then she can’t win. Either she says can come in advance and then has to actually cancel or she’s honest and says she can’t commit to it until she knows what her work/life situation is.

She’s ‘bailed’ twice in 7 months out of numerous occasions - I wouldn’t say that was regularly bailing on them.

Are you ok?

They sound like petty bitches. Don’t worry you haven’t broken a contract!

good friends would be more understanding

I mean the early reply when someone says they just ‘don’t understand’ how you could possibly have had to work unexpectedly just says if all……no idea what kind of job that person has that they never ever ever have to do overtime or are the backup person etc and also can’t even imagine that someone else might have a job like that.

Some people really struggle to understand that other people’s lives are different. I’d just chalk it up to that and move on from it.

@catlovingdoctor - same for me. I was investing more in the friendship that she was. Her regular cancellations made it clear that our friendship was not as important to her as it was to me.

I didn't whinge or bitch about it. I simply told her that her behaviour was upsetting me and therefore, I wouldn't be making any individual arrangements with her anymore.

A couple of years later I found out that she does it to almost everyone. She now has very few friends, just acquaintances.

You are cancelling or not committing to plans frequently. You are also not being very open/communicating clearly with them as to why you absolutely cannot attend/commit to plans with them, you come across as flaky although that may not be your intention at all. Be more open and explain to them better as to why cancelling is completely unavoidable, then they won’t assume you’re being flaky. It’s a communication issue as most friendship issues are. Saying I’m ill/had the kids/had to work doesn’t really explain to them that they are a priority in your life. They are left not feeling like a priority in your life and that is then not an attractive friendship to them anymore.

That's definitely the other side of it. You start questioning whether they're actually too busy or trying to give you a tactful brush off.

Same, it got too frustrating and bad for my own self-esteem to constantly get cancelled on/ let down.

Apologies, must have missed that bit somewhere.
You still regularly bail on them though and say "you might come or you might not" so doesn't sound like they can rely on you for anything.
I don't really blame them for being a bit pissed off.

@Honeysucklelane this comes up fairly often on mumsnet. The prevailing feeling from posters is that you are the very careless devil herself for every cancelling. But I disagree. I do t get wound up when friends cancel on me and they don’t get upset when I cancel on them. It’s just a relaxed easy going life. Being all uptight about who is attending a certain get together is frankly off putting. These are not my people. You’re well off without the huffy one and just keep on being friends with the rest. It’s different if you have bought tickets and it’s only the two of you but this was a bloody walk. Relax. You’ve done nothing wrong.

@Honeysucklelane

Bloody hell! I can't believe how much sh!t you're getting from people about this!!

You're 100% NOT unreasonable! You can't help being ill, wanting to spend precious time with your kids & having to work to support your family!

Christ, it's a meet up to go for a WALK, people! The others still went, nothing was spoiled, no money was wasted, etc. Life happens. You let them know as far in advance as you could.

These women do not sound like friends at all - I'd ditch them ASAP & not feel 1 iota of guilt about it!!

She hasn’t bailed on them 3 times in a row.

She cancelled 2 occasions out of numerous over 7 months. The first being because she was ill and the last because she had to work. The other time wasn’t cancelling because she had said she couldn’t go in advance when it was first arranged. She’s also been on nights out with the group.

You think she's unreasonable. I disagree.

I don't think this is always "fair" because sometimes you have things going on which means you can't help but "flake" but some people simply won't see the point in a friend that's not very available to meet up. For some that's the whole point of a friend, someone that you do friend type things with and without that it all feels a bit theoretical.

YANBU

I don't like it when people are flakey when they've committed to something and bail for no good reason but that's not what you've been doing.

You've bailed on them three times in a row (regardless of whatever excuse) and are now saying "I'll come if I can, but can't be definite as something might come up".
With form for cancelling last minute and wishy washy "I might come, I might not" for potential future arrangements, can come across as you just can't be arsed.
Don't blame them for getting pissed off.
YABU
Edit to say I wouldn't have a go at you for it though, just stop bothering asking you anywhere.

OP I wouldn't bother trying to justify yourself to some posters. For a site created to support mums, they have a strange attitude to people who have kids to look after. I have a group of friends and we have a terrible job trying to find a date we can all make. If it's a walk and one of us can't make it, we just say that's a shame, hope you can make it next time.
Because, like your group, it doesn't stop the rest of us going. Could the toxic friend resent your presence? You say the others knew each other first, so maybe this one preferred it when you weren't there so she's being as unwelcoming as she can get away with. It's tough, you could probably do with some supportive uncritical friends. Is there any way of meeting just the ones who don't give you hard time? Or give up on the day time meets with this lot and look for a local walking group in your area instead, there's usually something around if you Google locally.