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Original poster

Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

357 replies

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 16:29

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

OP posts:
ArtfullyCrumpled · 05/07/2024 16:55

The friend who sent off message to you sounds a bit judgy, unsupportive and unreasonable.

susiedaisy1912 · 05/07/2024 16:55

Don't accept their invitation. Just say thanks for thinking of me I'll have to see how things are on the day.

HelloJillll · 05/07/2024 16:51

Wouldn’t bother me. I’m a serial canceller and so are my closest friends. We always end up meeting up.

Sometimes life gets busy or there are mental health issues.

I wish people could be a bit more relaxed & be less reactive.

shuffleofftobuffalo · 05/07/2024 16:49

After 3 times I would be very much less understanding but I wouldn't have a go at me. I have a very, very good friend whom I love to the ends of the earth and back, she's got a lot on and isn't very organised so was often cancelling last minute. I just quietly stopped making such frequent arrangements with her as I was getting annoyed, now we meet less often but it's always something she and I can both commit to and we have a lovely time. We chat in between times frequently.

Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 16:49

Jeschara · 05/07/2024 16:40

I don't know how you can't see that this looks bad and flaky. To be fair they seem fed up with you.
Please be careful, you will lose friends if you carry on like this.

If a friend is once too ill, next time tells you in advance they can’t do it as they have children to look after, then has to work the next time would you really have a go at them?

I said in the beginning I would come if I could.

OP posts:
TinyYellow · 05/07/2024 16:48

What was the comment that resulted in you causing a row?

Unless it was really awful, you should have kept quiet.

Youcantellalotofthingsabouttheflowers · 05/07/2024 16:47

Nah, 3 out of 5 times is flakey.

Spirallingdownwards · 05/07/2024 16:46

Making arrangements and then frequently cancelling just sends the message that they aren't important to you. The reasons you gave seem legitimate but if you are always bailing they will seem it as you making up excuses. You must know when you have your kids so that one as an excuse is pretty weak. Do you ever ask to rearrange or just simply tell them you can't make it? Either way make time for your friends or be prepared for them to be annoyed with the continual bailing on them.

Balloonhearts · 05/07/2024 16:46

You've stood them up 3 times. I'd have told you to do one by now and found better friends.

Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 16:45

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Do you just let people have a go at you when it’s unreasonable? I wouldn’t have said anything, but they’ve been acting like they own me and my time, when I have had genuine reasons why I couldn’t go - but I turned up other times.

OP posts:
SeanMean · 05/07/2024 16:45

@sentfrmmyiphone
Totally agree and great post.

LittleOwl153 · 05/07/2024 16:44

Are you cancelling last minute having said you will attend something... or are you turning down an invite because you had something else on and the time didn't suit?

Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 16:42

Littlefish · 05/07/2024 16:36

I broke off a friendship with someone who was unreliable and kept cancelling our arrangements.

I think you should have just bitten your lip.

Being the flaky friend is never good.

I’ve met up with them every time for other plans in the evenings. I’m not a flaky friend, I love meeting up with friends. It’s just that other stuff has got in the way of this particular plan three out of five times - I went to two of them. I can’t help being ill, looking after my kids or having to work.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 05/07/2024 16:41

Littlefish · 05/07/2024 16:36

I broke off a friendship with someone who was unreliable and kept cancelling our arrangements.

I think you should have just bitten your lip.

Being the flaky friend is never good.

Surely this is easier for some people than others though. For example my friends have ready made childcare around them as they live near family - I don't - if my kids are ill or dh is working I don't have a fall back plan. Similarly I work in a role where I cannot guarantee what time I will finish work. For the most part it's fine but if there is a crisis I cannot leave due to duty of care. If people have certain health conditions they're more likely to get sick, perhaps someone is struggling with their mental health and isn't ready to open up about it. Obviously sometimes people are just a flake because they're disorganised or don't care but sometimes it's beyond control due to circumstances and I do think we can be quite quick to label someone "the flakey friend" without realising that at times our own reliability comes from privilege?

sentfrmmyiphone · 05/07/2024 16:40

yes you are being unreasonable... cancelling 3 times in row reeks of not being bothered for the friends or their activity, clearly your plans and your life are way more important.

and no you should not have been snarky back... everyone has lives, everyone has plans...

but don't worry, if you keep on like this you won't have any friends left to make plans with.

Jeschara · 05/07/2024 16:40

I don't know how you can't see that this looks bad and flaky. To be fair they seem fed up with you.
Please be careful, you will lose friends if you carry on like this.

Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 16:39

goingdownfighting · 05/07/2024 16:36

They're not friends. If you get invited again just say 'I'll see nearer the time'

I’ve said that all along, that I will come along if I can. One of them was really off with me last time when I couldn’t go last time because I was poorly. There’s a group of them, so it’s not like I let them
down as they still went.

OP posts:
ArtfullyCrumpled · 05/07/2024 16:38

It's perfectly OK to cancel. You do whatever is best for you. As long as you give notice you don't need to explain why. Some people take it personally but that's their insecurity.

LadyWhistled0wn · 05/07/2024 16:38

You should of just kept quiet.

Lesson learnt, at least you don't need to cancel if they've fallen out with you anymore.

Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 16:37

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It wasn’t a weekend plan, just a few hours. And I didn’t have a choice - unless I lied and rang in sick.

OP posts:
lowsugarchilli · 05/07/2024 16:36

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goingdownfighting · 05/07/2024 16:36

They're not friends. If you get invited again just say 'I'll see nearer the time'

Littlefish · 05/07/2024 16:36

I broke off a friendship with someone who was unreliable and kept cancelling our arrangements.

I think you should have just bitten your lip.

Being the flaky friend is never good.

Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 16:36

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 05/07/2024 16:31

If you frequently cancel i would be annoyed. I don't really understand how you had plans but then had to cancel because of work? Surely you either had the day off or had booked leave?

I did, but had to change it and work.

OP posts:
lowsugarchilli · 05/07/2024 16:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.