Page 12 | Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

Honeysucklelane · 2024-07-05T15:29:20+00:00

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill. It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it. For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out. I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

lowsugarchilli · 05/07/2024 17:32

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Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:32

magnoliablooms · 05/07/2024 17:27

I do think you should have told your boss you were on leave or not able to work that weekend or whatever yes. Unless it's zero hours I guess.

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It’s not a weekend, it was yesterday. We’re talking about a 2-3hr walk here, not a day out or a weekend away. I did contemplate trying to still go over lunch, but it was a drive away.

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Babbahabba · 05/07/2024 17:31

Did you say that you could attend these events then pulled out? That's different than not committing.

Is your work schedule unpredictable?

Why does having children mean you can't plan in advance? Is their father around? Is he flakey/unpredictable? Do other relatives say they'll have your kids then back out? Just trying to unpick why you're so prone to cancellations.

Working and having kids are things that millions of people combine. I've done those two things for 18 years and have rarely cancelled pre arranged meetings with friends because of those reasons but there might be factors that apply to you and not me.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 05/07/2024 17:29

I don't get the point of this thread OP.

You're absolutely 100% adamant you're in the right, so what was the point in starting it?

If you think you've nothing wrong then go with that 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:29

Spirallingdownwards · 05/07/2024 16:46

Making arrangements and then frequently cancelling just sends the message that they aren't important to you. The reasons you gave seem legitimate but if you are always bailing they will seem it as you making up excuses. You must know when you have your kids so that one as an excuse is pretty weak. Do you ever ask to rearrange or just simply tell them you can't make it? Either way make time for your friends or be prepared for them to be annoyed with the continual bailing on them.

I told them in advance I couldn’t do one because it was half term and my only day off that week to spend with my kids. I told them this time I was trying to juggle work stuff and might not be able to make it.

If I was making poor excuses, or being flakey, I would not be questioning their annoyance.

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Sagarmatha · 05/07/2024 17:28

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:24

How can it be flakey if it’s out of my control? It’s not a case of prioritising unless you think I should have dragged my sorry ill ass out on a 5 mile hilly walk? Or left my kids home alone? Or told my boss to stick work because I had to go for a walk.

It’s just shitty luck these things happened on three occasions I was meant to meet these people.

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Totally agree.
Also if everyone let the group down as frequently as you do then the group would never meet.

Your reasons are valid - but you need to take the flak and make sure next time you do not let them down. If there is a next time of course.

magnoliablooms · 05/07/2024 17:27

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:24

How can it be flakey if it’s out of my control? It’s not a case of prioritising unless you think I should have dragged my sorry ill ass out on a 5 mile hilly walk? Or left my kids home alone? Or told my boss to stick work because I had to go for a walk.

It’s just shitty luck these things happened on three occasions I was meant to meet these people.

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I do think you should have told your boss you were on leave or not able to work that weekend or whatever yes. Unless it's zero hours I guess.

Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:24

Absolutelyfractious · 05/07/2024 16:58

Sorry OP I've got a frequently flakey friend and to get to the stage of telling you off, either it's hit a nerve with your friend or maybe a pattern has emerged that maybe goes back further than this.

Just don't be a flake. Either prioritise your arrangements or don't make them at all. I know fomo and all that but your just disappointing your friends.

How can it be flakey if it’s out of my control? It’s not a case of prioritising unless you think I should have dragged my sorry ill ass out on a 5 mile hilly walk? Or left my kids home alone? Or told my boss to stick work because I had to go for a walk.

It’s just shitty luck these things happened on three occasions I was meant to meet these people.

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BreakfastAtMilliways · 05/07/2024 17:24

I find this sort of behaviour irritating in a friend. If this was a regular meet-up, like an informal ‘club’, and I couldn’t make it for different reasons several times in a row, I would be seriously reconsidering whether the schedule or activity fitted in with my lifestyle. (Put it this way: if you’d paid for it in advance, would you be missing it?). And if a friend did this to me, I’d be wary of investing too much time and effort in them.

Look, I get it: plans change, schedules don’t always work out, people are busy. But very often in these cases, the person who does the letting down has unconsciously decided that the activity and/or the people involved in it are no longer important enough to make time for. Others clock this message and get understandably annoyed. I have often found that this behaviour in friends is a prelude to being faded out or ghosted, which is why it makes me wary.

LaughterThroughTheWalls · 05/07/2024 17:23

I have a close group of friends and none of us would have a go at another for cancelling. Sometimes things are going on that mean people can't make it, thats life. We're friends, we love each other, we're not going to fall out over it. Your friends don't sound like very good friends to me. I think you were right to stand up for yourself.

magnoliablooms · 05/07/2024 17:22

What did this having a go sound like?

magnoliablooms · 05/07/2024 17:22

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:21

Yes, we’ve met up for drinks several times in the evening. The walks have only happened 5 times, and I’ve been on 2.

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Oh right. Then yeah even the 3rd time I wouldn't be bothered about.

Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:21

magnoliablooms · 05/07/2024 17:19

Sorry have you actually met up with them over this 7 months? And it's just 3 out of eg 7 you've cancelled?

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Yes, we’ve met up for drinks several times in the evening. The walks have only happened 5 times, and I’ve been on 2.

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greenpolarbear · 05/07/2024 17:20

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:15

I don’t expect them to make an effort, after I ‘let them down’ the first time as I was ill - their words not mine, I have said since then I’ll come if I can, but I can’t be definite as something might come up. They don’t have kids.

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I don't have kids and it took me a while to realise that my friends with kids had changed and they were just flaky people now. Until you realise that then yes you do send messages if you're feeling hurt and let down, and mourning the loss of what the relationship used to be.

It's also hard to tell when you're not a parent but they are, whether someone is actually interested in seeing you or they're just making another excuse not to come (which is the majority of the time) because they're trying to cool things off. Letting people down several times and saying "I'll come to things if I can" just makes it sound like you're not really interested in friendship even if what you're actually trying to do is manage expectations.

Eventually they'll realise it's not working and stop inviting you to things, it's always the way.

Hesma · 05/07/2024 17:20

It really pisses me off when flaky people repeatedly cancel plans. I’d just wouldn’t bother inviting you as it’s downright rude!

Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:20

Weetabbix · 05/07/2024 17:18

Meh, I couldn't get worked up about someone cancelling on a walk.

Maybe you have the wrong friends.

It’s really upset me as I’d never have a go at someone. I have another friend I go on dog walks with, we have sometimes had to rearrange and neither of us gets annoyed with the other.

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magnoliablooms · 05/07/2024 17:19

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:09

It’s been over a 7 month period though. The first time I woke up ill on the day, and one of them even had a go at me about that. I really wanted to go and tried to get it together to go, but was just too poorly to go for a big hike.

After that I’ve been cautious to say I’ll come if I can. It’s not like they’ve planned to suit me, or they’re reliant on me for a lift or anything. They’ve all known each other much longer and I’m a newcomer.

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Sorry have you actually met up with them over this 7 months? And it's just 3 out of eg 7 you've cancelled?

Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:18

susiedaisy1912 · 05/07/2024 16:55

Don't accept their invitation. Just say thanks for thinking of me I'll have to see how things are on the day.

That’s a really good idea. I did say I’ll come if I can.

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Weetabbix · 05/07/2024 17:18

Meh, I couldn't get worked up about someone cancelling on a walk.

Maybe you have the wrong friends.

magnoliablooms · 05/07/2024 17:18

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 16:34

It’s over several months. The first time I was too poorly to go on a 5 mile hike. One of them had a go at me about that. The second time I said in advance I wouldn’t make it as I had my kids. This time I had to work.

First one and 2nd one fine. 3rd one.. why did you agree to go if you couldn't get the time off?

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 05/07/2024 17:17

How often do you meet for these group walks? I think some people are missing the fact that one of the three times you missed, you let them know beforehand that you couldn't go because you had the children. So really that's only twice in seven months that they had short notice cancellation from you.

Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:16

1983Louise · 05/07/2024 17:14

I think if this is a casual meet up with a group of friends then you aren't really letting anyone down. Life happens when we've already made plans, it would have been total different if you'd let one friend down three times but a group I'd have no problem with that. Good for you sticking up for yourself as well.

Thank you. I couldn’t let it slide this time. I felt shit enough for having to work instead - I’d rather have gone with them, despite the rain.

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Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:15

Lavenderflower · 05/07/2024 17:12

I think someone in a previous that people are more likely to be flakey and cancel due to covid. Each to their own - I don't make effort with people who always cancel.

I don’t expect them to make an effort, after I ‘let them down’ the first time as I was ill - their words not mine, I have said since then I’ll come if I can, but I can’t be definite as something might come up. They don’t have kids.

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1983Louise · 05/07/2024 17:14

I think if this is a casual meet up with a group of friends then you aren't really letting anyone down. Life happens when we've already made plans, it would have been total different if you'd let one friend down three times but a group I'd have no problem with that. Good for you sticking up for yourself as well.

Original poster

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:13

HelloJillll · 05/07/2024 17:09

Same! The idea of a friend telling me off for cancelling is ludicrous.

Perhaps these aren’t the people for you?

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I’ve been feeling that for a while now. They don’t own me or my time, they weren’t relying on me for a lift or anything and there wasn’t any cost involved. Plus they all still
went and had a great time, me not being there had no bearing on their day.

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