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Original poster

Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

357 replies

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 16:29

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

OP posts:
florizel13 · 05/07/2024 18:18

I don't get why your friends are so put out for what sound like valid reasons why you couldn't meet them. It's not like you let just one friend down three times, that would be different! There are a group of them and you not going shouldn't make that much difference! You're obviously popular, and it's more fun with you there Wink don't blame you for standing up for yourself!

Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 18:08

AliceOlive · 05/07/2024 17:57

Is it a standing date for a group walk? And they get angry even if you tell them in advance you cannot attend?

It’s not a standing date at all. It’s only happened 5 times this year and I went for 2 of those. And yes, they were off about it even in advance I got told my kids could be left to fend for themselves. They are old enough, but I wanted to spend that one day of the holidays with them.

OP posts:
magnoliablooms · 05/07/2024 18:07

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:43

Have you ever been too ill to meet up with friends? Then they’ve had a go at you? Even when I said in advance i couldn’t come because I was spending the day with my kids, one of them commented I could leave them to fend for themselves.

Show quote history

Urgh. Ditch them

Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 18:05

Epicaricacy · 05/07/2024 17:46

Did they react to you being flaky and cancelling repeatedly, or you having a very dismissive attitude "it's just a walk"?

It would be interesting to know WHO made the snarky remarks, because the OP is making plenty.

I didn’t say to them it’s ‘just a walk.’ I like walking, I have just had shitty luck that I was ill once, had to work this time and the other time I told them in advance I couldn’t go as the kids were off school. I’ve been to other stuff with them,

OP posts:
Blueroses99 · 05/07/2024 17:58

I hate friends cancelling plans. I take it very personally (trying to work on that).

However - I can’t fault you here. You didn’t cancel 3 out of 3 times. You did go on some walks and evenings out, and the second time it sounds like you’d said no in advance because you wanted to spend the day with your kids. It’s not cancelling if you already said you couldn’t come! Weird response. Also it’s a group activity but not the kind where an individual not being there impacts those that carry on (unlike say a team sport).

AliceOlive · 05/07/2024 17:57

Is it a standing date for a group walk? And they get angry even if you tell them in advance you cannot attend?

Strangerthanfictions · 05/07/2024 17:54

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 16:34

It’s over several months. The first time I was too poorly to go on a 5 mile hike. One of them had a go at me about that. The second time I said in advance I wouldn’t make it as I had my kids. This time I had to work.

But this isn't cancelling plans? This is not making plans as you are unavailable/unable? You didn't flake on them unless possibly the first instance you agreed then cancelled due to ill health

Supersimkin7 · 05/07/2024 17:53

We all (used to) have friends who do
thus.

Lentilweaver · 05/07/2024 17:52

CovertPiggery · 05/07/2024 17:49

You're fine OP.

I wouldn't get annoyed at a friend for cancelling for being sick or having to work or for not being able to go somewhere because they're looking after the children.

Time to find more compatible friends.

Show quote history

All these reasons are good ones, but taken in conjunction 3 times in a row, they may make for friendship incompatibility

CovertPiggery · 05/07/2024 17:49

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:43

Have you ever been too ill to meet up with friends? Then they’ve had a go at you? Even when I said in advance i couldn’t come because I was spending the day with my kids, one of them commented I could leave them to fend for themselves.

Show quote history

You're fine OP.

I wouldn't get annoyed at a friend for cancelling for being sick or having to work or for not being able to go somewhere because they're looking after the children.

Time to find more compatible friends.

Maddy70 · 05/07/2024 17:48

You're the flaky unreliable friend. Theyve got fed up of you

Epicaricacy · 05/07/2024 17:46

Did they react to you being flaky and cancelling repeatedly, or you having a very dismissive attitude "it's just a walk"?

It would be interesting to know WHO made the snarky remarks, because the OP is making plenty.

Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:45

LolaJ87 · 05/07/2024 16:31

If it's the third time in quick succession then it's understandable they're frustrated. I'm sure they have jobs and children and lives too but maybe prioritise keeping plans with friends more than you do?

No, it’s been over months and I went to all the other stuff with them. They don’t have kids.

OP posts:
Haveyouanyjam · 05/07/2024 17:44

It sounds like a clear split, people who would be bothered by this (and your friends are in that camp) and people who wouldn’t (you included) if you feel that differently about it maybe the friendship isn’t meant to be. Maybe you also actually aren’t that fussed about them? But that’s also okay, just let the friendship go.

I note you haven’t answered what the person actually said though…

Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:43

LadyWhistled0wn · 05/07/2024 16:38

You should of just kept quiet.

Lesson learnt, at least you don't need to cancel if they've fallen out with you anymore.

Have you ever been too ill to meet up with friends? Then they’ve had a go at you? Even when I said in advance i couldn’t come because I was spending the day with my kids, one of them commented I could leave them to fend for themselves.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 05/07/2024 17:42

goingdownfighting · 05/07/2024 16:36

They're not friends. If you get invited again just say 'I'll see nearer the time'

@goingdownfighting

lol she’ll soon find herself invited to fuck all if she does that!

Lentilweaver · 05/07/2024 17:41

I wouldn't have a go but just quietly drop serial cancellers and distance myself with dignity. As I have done with a couple of friends who always cancel last minute. If their lives get less busy, they know where I am.

QueenBitch666 · 05/07/2024 17:39

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if you'd cancelled. It's not as though you personally let any of them down. I think you need new friends who don't have a pop at you for cancelling

Weetabbix · 05/07/2024 17:39

Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:20

It’s really upset me as I’d never have a go at someone. I have another friend I go on dog walks with, we have sometimes had to rearrange and neither of us gets annoyed with the other.

Show quote history

Well I guess different people want different things from friendships.

I have a lot of friends and care about them hugely. But I couldn't handle being friends with very needy/ clingy people. I'd hate to be walking on eggshells if I had to cancel something, worried that they'd get upset.

When people get to adulthood, they tend to get busy and have a lot going on in their lives. Kids, work, health, exhaustion.

I'd never have a go at someone for cancelling and I've also never had someone get annoyed at me for it. I just don't gravitate to people who behave that way. I find it a bit intense.

I also just don't tend to get all that invested in plans though - I'm always happy to amuse myself if someone cancels. It's fine. I'll see them another time. So it works both ways with me.

I think you should just find yourself some more mature/ less needy friends.

Original poster
Honeysucklelane · 05/07/2024 17:37

Jeschara · 05/07/2024 16:40

I don't know how you can't see that this looks bad and flaky. To be fair they seem fed up with you.
Please be careful, you will lose friends if you carry on like this.

Things happen though that are out of people’s control. I was ill on the day the first time. Second time I said in advance I had my kids, this time I had to work.

It’s no loss if ‘friends’ have a go at you when you’re too ill to go on a walk with them, or have no choice but to work. Maybe I should have rung in sick and risked my job for a walk just to please these people.

OP posts:
JMSA · 05/07/2024 17:36

So what are you going to organise, to make up for it?

Lentilweaver · 05/07/2024 17:36

We all work and have kids and busy lives. I wouldnt invite you again, tbh. Not to make a point but just because I can;t be bothered with the back and forth.

lowsugarchilli · 05/07/2024 17:34

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lowsugarchilli · 05/07/2024 17:33

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ArtfullyCrumpled · 05/07/2024 17:32

Agree with @TwattyMcFuckFace. No point in wanging on about it. Their 5 mile hilly walk is over and you missed it.