Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

No it isn’t! It’s saying you’re not available.

How much notice did you give them?

How old are your kids? Telling your friends in advance is still cancelling 😂

@Lavender14

Your choice to decide someone is lying because they give you a seemingly valid excuse is not actually that person's problem ... that's on you.

Again though it’s a question of frequency. If it’s infrequent it wouldn’t cross my mind that someone was lying but if it’s happened multiple times in a short space of time you look at the balance of probability and conclude that it’s unlikely to be true again and again and that the person either isn’t prioritising you or isn’t managing their time properly. Neither really lends themselves to solid friendships.

I think it’s also about how you manage things. If you know you have committed to seeing friend A and you blew her out last time you had plans you move heaven and earth to not let her down the next time. Including maybe getting a babysitter lined up in good time etc.

In my experience most of these situations where someone flakes out (excluding medical emergencies and sudden childcare failures which are pretty rare) could have been avoided with a bit of forware planning and better organisation.

So you didn’t cancel 3 out of 5 times, you cancelled twice and told them in advance about the 3rd instance? So technically you cancelled on 2 out of 4 occasions, spread over 7 months, for valid reasons.

You’ve also spent other times socialising with them so it’s not like you’re avoiding them.

YANBU.

Do your kids ARE old enough to look after themselves but you cancelled so you could spend tine with them.. um ok.

@Lavender14 I certainly wouldn’t be cross. I’m not OP’s pals. I did say earlier that the flakiest people often need friends the most 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t really care what you think of me tbh 😄 I’m not passionate enough for this.

I wouldn't say twice in 7 months is as unreasonable as its being made out to be... especially with valid reasons for it. I wouldn't be cross at a friend over this nor would I take it personally.

"I’d assume at least one of ill/childcare/work was a made up excuse tbh as it’s not the sort of thing you can challenge someone on, so the perfect excuse."

I think this assumption is more telling about your thoughts on people in general and your world view than op. Your choice to decide someone is lying because they give you a seemingly valid excuse is not actually that person's problem ... that's on you.

Friendships need feeding to thrive. If you cant do it because of other demands on you fair enough. But of course they have feelings about it - whatever the reason for cancelling, you are sending them a message about where they come in your priorities. You dont seem to be understanding that you have hurt their feelings.

Yes but multiple times in a few months? If so, I would be arranging stuff myself that I can definitely make. Show some enthusiasm etc.

I'm curious about people responding like this - do you never get sick? Does everything in your life always run like clockwork? Do you work in a completely predictable 9-5? Do you have young children without childcare?

Surely these things crop up for everyone from time to time?

I wouldn't have a go at a friend who I felt had let me down like this but I would definitely stop initiating things with them. I have two different friends where I know from experience that it will be 50/50 whether or not they'll cancel. Of course there will be unavoidable things but these two cancel so much more frequently than anyone else (and have the same commitments that I do) that I consider them to be flaky and no longer organise things with them myself because a) I feel I'm fortunate to have other options and don't want to have missed out on those when they inevitably cancel and b) because when it happens a few times, it makes me question how much they value me and my time or if it's just an excuse.

For arguments sake OP would you have preferred this friend to quietly give up on you and stop extending the invitations. People here always criticise ghosting but I'm not convinced that having it out with a friend goes that well either.

It’s a question of degree tbh. Everyone has to let friends down from time to time but if someone does this routinely you just lose trust. You may not even do this consciously you just start to trust the person less. Because the signal it sends is that you are never the top priority, and that’s hurtful and it makes you less likely to invest in the friendship.

I have a really old friend who’s very flaky. I love her still but it’s definitely diminished my trust in her and I know I can’t really count on her. I still invite her to stuff but I know she won’t ever be the backbone friend I need.

If you have to let someone down you have to let the down but it’s incumbent on you to make sure it doesn’t become a habit and make an extra effort the next time and step up. People will over time lose trust if you don’t sort it out.

I think it's telling that you've posted a question to a popular public forum and have continually defended yourself rather than entertain or appreciate other people's perspectives. It's pretty obvious you don't care about anyone else's thoughts over your behaviour so it's odd that you're pretending to be interested.

I don't think this is necessarily true though, I am a single parent with a full time job (with a frankly useless ex), my parents help where they can but I do everything myself. This isn't the same as a SAHM with a supportive partner and involved grandparents who can look after the children at the drop of a hat.

My friends are not as busy as I am as they have husbands who are fully supportive of them and their recreational activities. It's rare I can do anything not child related in the 90% time I have them because who would look after them?

From their perspective, you’re sending a message that you can’t be assed with them. I’d assume at least one of ill/childcare/work was a made up excuse tbh as it’s not the sort of thing you can challenge someone on, so the perfect excuse. Especially if you’re new to the group it’s not a good look to be flakey. Have you organised anything yourself over these 7 months? They’ll probably not invite you to the next thing. Which is sad as sometimes the flakiest people need friends the most.