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Original poster

To need space

28 replies

getyergladragson · 05/07/2024 15:13

Dh and I both WFH. Have done for years.

Great having him around but also:

Constant questions/suggestions about my day.
Getting involved in my appointments/errands
He is in and out and has to announce this every time.
Asking me every day if I have any ideas about lunch.
Organising everything when I’ve got it in hand. This is his strength but he needs to be in an office as a manager!

Ww have separate space at home and can work remotely from a cafe and do so 1/2 days a week so it does work but anyone else’s DH love to get so involved in every minute thing?

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Original poster
getyergladragson · 07/07/2024 15:04

I pick the kids up from school. DH is supposed to be working from 9am til dinner time (5pm). It's great that he can pop in and out and chat to me and the kids from pickup until dinner.

Problems arise when as well as popping in to say hi, he starts telling them how long they can have on screens, how at X time he thinks they should go outside for some air, getting involved in squabbles and telling them when to do homework etc. This means I'm telling them one thing (as I'm the one looking after them when he's working) then he's up behind me telling them to do something else then he trots off back into his office.

He doesn't mean it in a bad way, he is just trying to parent and work at the same time and he feels like he is missing out on the fun.

Does anyone else have the kids at home 3:30-5pm when their partner is working from home? Do you agree who is 'on'?

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getyergladragson · 07/07/2024 14:22

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HappyAsASandboy · 05/07/2024 16:52

I am absolutely with you. I hate the "new world" post covid as it is so rarely that I can get my house to myself.

I spoke to DH about it. I think he was a bit hurt that I "don't want him here". It's hard to explain that I just want time on my own in my own house! There was muttering in 2021 about renting an office space, but then there was a grand plan (his) of self building a very large garden office. Which we can neither afford financially or afford in his time to build it. So nothing changed.

I reached the end of my tether last summer. I can't cope with ALWAYS being with either him or the kids or both. I need time on my own, and I need some of that time to be in my house alone. We spoke about it, and he has reduced the little time he spent in the office to even less time in the office because he thinks I am having an affair. Can't be any other reason I want time on my own, hey Hmm

I take the kids away for the weekend 3 or 4 times per year, and I am taking them away for nearly 4 weeks of the summer holidays (with gaps!). So he gets loads of time home alone. I suggested he take them away for a long weekend, and he has agreed to take them for one night.

It is going to mean the end of my marriage for me. It is stifling and I hate it. I want to run my own house and feel free to put music on or watch a movie or clean the kitchen at midnight without some inane comment about what/why/when I am doing it. Somehow he always manages to sound disdainful when he makes comments about what I am doing.

Sorry. That's was my rant. But maybe it should be taken as a warning that feeling penned in with someone can escalate quickly if the other person doesn't listen to your need for space.

Good luck Flowers

Skyrainlight · 05/07/2024 16:47

Definitely take some time to work out of home, space does wonders when people are getting on our nerves. I would let him know that I'll be out from 9-2.30 and then he can happily organise away without involving you in the decisions.

My husband and I have a great relationship, but when he started working from home full time it was an adjustment.

Just make sure you get you time and I'm sure all will be fine. Also, maybe allocate him days to organise the lunches so you don't have to discuss them, he can just get on and do it. I meal plan for the week and sometimes send the plan to my husband so he knows what we are eating and which bits he is cooking. Since yours loves planning I'd get him involved in the meal plan, I detest doing the plan but since the husband is useless I just get on with it.

PashaMinaMio · 05/07/2024 16:28

If I’m doing any home/business admin that takes a bit of concentration (in my study) I absolutely hate my partner hovering or querying what I’m doing. I can be very snappy! (I apologise afterwards.)

Your scenario does sound a bit suffocating so it’s good that you see both sides of the situation and can plan more out-of-the house time.

Im like you and need a lot of head space and peace. I’m a thinker, planner and love time on my own without interruption. You are not alone.

Original poster
getyergladragson · 05/07/2024 16:26

He starts around 9am. I do 10-2.

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Crunchymum · 05/07/2024 16:26

How is you doing all the school runs and having them after school "equal"?

Why doesn't he do drop off?

I WFH and I can only tolerate having the cats about. No humans is my rule. .

Hummingbird75 · 05/07/2024 16:20

This will kill your marriage stone dead. Contempt and something akin to hatred will set in. Make some changes before it is too late.

I could not deal with this much overreach from anyone.

Original poster
getyergladragson · 05/07/2024 16:18

Exactly. I do feel like I’m nitpicking because I feel a bit suffocated. There are many pros to working from home together but I feel like I’m in the house all the time.

I think I’ve answered my own question. More cafe/library time!

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lowsugarchilli · 05/07/2024 16:15

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Bettedaviseyes111 · 05/07/2024 16:10

Sounds like just generally you’re on top of eachother and feeling a bit suffocated.

I thinks it’s healthy for couples to have time apart / alone or just doing other things…. being with eachother every minute of every day is intense.

Original poster
getyergladragson · 05/07/2024 16:09

He’s very involved. He parents equally, takes them to clubs and activities and plays loads with them. I think it’s the ambiguity of after school time. He’s still working til 5 and I clock off at 2:30pm but he’s in and out arranging things and suggesting things. I don’t know why that bothers me?!

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lowsugarchilli · 05/07/2024 16:06

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Original poster
getyergladragson · 05/07/2024 16:02

You’re right. Why shouldn’t he?

I think I could do with a period of working out of the home a bit more for a while. I need a bit more mental space in the working week after 10 years. I love him dearly but we have no family close by so we are together 24/7.

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lowsugarchilli · 05/07/2024 15:59

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lowsugarchilli · 05/07/2024 15:57

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Original poster
getyergladragson · 05/07/2024 15:56

I suppose it’s cos he’s got time as he starts and finishes his work tasks as he pleases. He’s only trying to help.

Today he arranged something directly with another parent that involved us both having another child after school but he didn’t mention it to me first. I suppose that’s ok but it would be nice if he said something beforehand.

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Original poster
getyergladragson · 05/07/2024 15:51

Sorry I wasn’t clear.

He doesn’t get involved with my work or ask questions/give opinions about that.

I do the school runs and have the kids after school so I can handle all the ferrying about/school admin/playdates etc but as he doesnt work a strict 9-5 (flexible self-employed), he likes to get involved in all the tiny aspects of that as well. Which is nice but it’s extra work for me lol. I don’t know if I’m nitpicking because we spend so much time together.

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lowsugarchilli · 05/07/2024 15:45

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Original poster
getyergladragson · 05/07/2024 15:35

Sometimes makes it after I say ‘ I don’t have any plans. Do u?’

He huffs and pouts when I say I’ve got this.

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BobbyBiscuits · 05/07/2024 15:31

I would find that intensely annoying. If I'm doing something I don't want to be given instruction about it or be told I'm doing it wrong. It's not helpful, it's jarring! Luckily me and DH tend to leave eachother alone in terms of our tasks/work/hobbies.
I guess you can up the amount of time you spend working from cafe/pub, or could you ask him to do so? Or would he take it as offensive?

lowsugarchilli · 05/07/2024 15:26

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lowsugarchilli · 05/07/2024 15:25

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Original poster
getyergladragson · 05/07/2024 15:24

It’s his home too but I guess I need more space than he does. He’s very sociable!

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