Adult children not calling or messaging often

As a student, I got into the habit of phoning home once a week (monday night). Mum told me that I had to (and I was an obedient 18 year old), and I still do it 25 years later. I find it works well to have a weekly phone date and to know there is going to be a call for a quick catch up. Sometimes it is a 10 min call, sometimes 30+mins, but knowing there is a schedule means I don't wait until something is a big deal but can just keep in touch.

would something like that work for your family?

Cat selfies are my main method of communication with young adult children

I don't need to ask to call mine. They are 20 and 17. They pick up if they can otherwise call me back later or when they can. We are very relaxed in our family, everyone calls everyone. We never need to book an app for a call, it is not a GP service. My kids love the fact they can chat to any one in the family in a second or two, someone will always be available and glad to hear from them.

Yes, this is what happens here too.

It is a relief that we are not too involved in their lives as we have busy lives ourselves.

This just isn’t the millennial or gen z way. Many of them actively detest speaking on the phone and making it feel forced is even worse. I would always ask before calling to be honest. I feel like we have to know and understand the younger generations to know what they will like and engage with. Mine like stupid memes now but they will probably change to something else as they get older. I have to adapt with them not them adapt with me as I am probably not going to change that much apart from become more boring

I think it's normal, especially with sons. I am the adult child in this scenario. My mum lives close and I see her often anyway, but she is more likely to ring or call first. If she hasn't heard from me in a while, she will call me. I'm just not very good at keeping in touch, with anyone. But as I say, I see my mum a few days a week usually anyway, so it's not often that we're out of touch.
My DH doesn't call his parents, who we don't see often. But then again, it's a two way thing.

Do you initiate contact with them?

I'm in my 30's and whenever I speak to my mum it's me contacting her.

I think she thinks she's doing me a favour, not bothering me etc, but really I wish she'd just call!

I have noticed there are A LOT of entitled mothers that feel they are owed phone calls, and visits etc. No one is owed anything.

If you are interested in their lives, support their endeavours, laugh and enjoy your time with your dc they will be present, but the effort MUST go both ways. It is not the duty of the child to call and visit, it really isn't. Relationships should be equal.

We keep in touch via a family WA group chat, used by everyone several times a day. I call my dds regularly and do not expect them always to call me, but they do when they can. We text rarely now, as the family group chat keeps us all connected.

Stop texting and pick up the phone.
You need to make an effort to be close to children in my experience. A text is just too distant (in my view)

I have one adult son (25) and one still at home (15).
We have a whatsapp with the 3 of us which is quite fun but not very busy.

DS1 will initiate chats if he has something specific to talk about, or ask me. That will then move naturally into a more 'what have you been up to' catch up.

I will sometimes send him a image of a strange animal (I work in genomics) just because.

When he was going through a dark period we made an agreement that he would check in with me at least every week or I could ping him after than time. Just so I knew he was OK, and he knew I cared.
It's different for every family. It helps me to remember how I was at 25 (no mobiles) and it was kind of tedious to call my Mum (sorry Mum!) as I was busy 'living my best life' or whatever they called it in the mid 80s! We always had a good relationship and we got much closer again when I had my first child.

Family WhatsApp is a game changer. Mine are on it all the time. Just posting daft stuff or photos. I think I probably asked too many questions previously which felt like a chore to answer. It's easy to just post a pic of a photo with a silly memory, they love that!

My mother in law says the same about her son. She doesn’t seem to realise a phone rings out as well as in.

Oh I agree 100%. My sister and I just roll our eyes these days.
I've confronted about things before - I'm the only one in my family who does it - but ultimately, little changes. Pick your battles and all that.

I'm sure one day I'll be glad that I'd spent that bit of extra time with my mum. That's what I tell myself when I'm blowing smoke out my ears trying to cram it all in anyway!

Interest will reappear once there are DGC - so then lots to talk about and lots of photos.

I can relate OP. It's also changed over time and situation. Family group chat was a disaster, just me posting and usually no responses. Older DD used to be very uncommunicative, but now has got into a habit of phoning 2-3 times a week on her way back from work. Younger daughter, who's always copied her older sister, also now does this. She does it for safety as well as works late in a bar and calls on her way home. Basically they've found something practical that works for them. The frequency is nice as we can talk about everyday things and it's not a big deal.
My own mother never calls, and if I call her she often doesn't answer or call back. We talk maybe once every 2 months, which does make me sad, but she's never shown much interest. In fact the situation with DS is similar!
I have a set appointment with my MIL and call her at the same time every week, she's a great woman. I'd love to have this with DM and DS, otherwise weeks can go by, but neither seems too bothered. if I was more resilient I would just do it, agree a time and call them every week or two, but it's hard not to lose heart. Having written this all out, I will do that though. Life is too short not to have a proper relationship with loved ones, or at least not to give up!

Must admit our two adult DS rarely contact us and we hear more info from our two DIL's generally.

We have a family WhatsApp group and send the usual nonsense but my DH posts on that a lot more than I or they do.

I know one DIL phones her mum several times a week for a chat and visits often but the other one rarely phones or visits her mum.

Thinking back to the days before mobile phones, I rang my mum about once a fortnight, my other sister rang her weekly as did one brother and the other brother probably rang her about twice a year. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm 37, with two teenage kids and a full time job. Every so often I get the passive aggressive message from my mum letting me know I've not been in touch for a while. Or, I can just tell from the tone that she's starting to get the hump. I'm not insinuating you do that OP, just painting the picture of my situation.

I love my mum. I would consider us close. But my life is very full on. I am pulled five different directions at any given time. Checking in with a fully grown, healthy, independent adult more than every once every week or two just isn't on my priority list. My mum only works very part-time now and I guess she has more time to sit wondering what we are all up to.

When I get 'the tone' I make a point of popping over for a visit but it does make it feel less of a pleasure and more of a chore. I think the thing that annoys me most is that I remember 20 years ago when I was living at home and my mum used to complain about my gran harking on about not seeing her and how busy she was and why didn't my gran come and visit her for a change. She's lived my life but has now forgotten the reality of it all.

That would drive me spare. Inane chatter

I am very close to my family when we see each other (about 3x a year). Always there for each other etc ring a lot if there is a crisis I miss them but we just don’t message much? We just get on with our own lives. I call my mum maybe once a month? (She lives 300 miles away.) my oh rarely calls his mum. He loves her but he is work focused (wfh all the time) so just doesn’t think. I feel guilty about it but if I make the contact she messages me all of the time and it’s too much for me (I’m not in that much contact with my own family).

maybe it’s just where they are in their lives? I contacted my mum more when I had kids in my twenties I just didn’t think to but we don’t live close to each other.

it’s really tricky as part of me feels like I want more communication I love them all. But time just passes by so quickly.
I don’t know if this helps at all but it doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about you.

They are probably dealing with their own lives
(which they didn't choose).
Simple.

I think different families just have different relationships. It doesn't mean they love you any less. It could also be that you have two children and that's impacting it? Of all my friends, the ones who are closest to their parents (I.e in touch the most) are the ones who were only children. Not sure why.

My mum and I walk our dogs together so I see her every day. On the rare days that we don't walk our dogs together, I'll usually call her. And we text throughout the day. But I am an only child, so I am naturally very close to my parents.

My best friend speaks to her parents maybe once or twice a week. She has a sister. She loves her parents just as much as I love mine but she's just not as close.

I think it's important to separate closeness and love. Just because you're not in constant contact doesn't mean they don't love you or don't care!

This in my 20s I was an “adult teen “ and was too busy living my own life to deal with my mum now I’m in my 40s and have kids I message my mum constantly… actually I think inpiss her off sometimes as it’s too much 🤣🤣

You have a secure attachment and they have happily left the nest as long as you don’t burden them or interfere they will come back

I think sometimes it's personality too. Even in my friendships I find there's some where I'm the normal instigator and then others where I'm not. I do ring my mum most days to talk nonsense but it's more because sometimes she isn't well and I want to check in because I'm not geographically close. She would never ring me unless there was a specific reason. I wouldn't overthink it too much and just keep doing what you're doing and focus on the other things in life that keep it interesting and fun. For me it changed when ds came along as well we have a lot more contact since then.