Adult children not calling or messaging often

I’m old and I detest talking on the phone. We have loads of WA groups with my two DSs ( mid 30s): nuclear family, with DILs, just me and them, just them and their dad, individually. They’re in constant use BUT weren’t when they were single and at uni or in their 20s. We’re a much bigger part of their lives now and I love it. Barely a day goes by without sharing something.

I’d be a bit more proactive and keep it light. Today we’ve done election results, plans for the Bank Holiday, childcare arrangements and moaning about the weather.

I talk to my Mum at least once a day, WhatsApp usually a couple of times a day for things that don't warrant a call & see her at least once a week. We have a family WA group too.

My brother WA her daily, speaks to her a couple of times a week & sees her usually every 10/14 days.

@SOxon Please tell me you’re not my MiL and have recognised my description! 😁

My DS (23) & I WhatsApp most days ... we nearly always say 'good morning' first thing and 'goodnight' at night ... plus the occasional comment during the day along the lines 'what are your plans today?'. Not exactly riveting stuff but just keepin in touch. We did the same when he was overseas for a six month work trip. We have a separate WhatsApp for messages for the three of us (including DH) plus he contacts DH separately as well. We usually have a long phone call by arrangement at least once a week.
With a bit of prompting he will also call his elderly grandmother for a chat every couple of weeks which gives her a lot of pleasure.
We meet up at least once a month too. Live about two hours apart.

Possibly because you’re more busy than she is?
My DC are working, driving kids to school, dance, football etc. helping with homework and a million other things while I have sod all to do. I don’t like to interrupt them when they’re busy.

@Whothefuckdoesthat great post, killer last line, thanks

I don't hear from my daughter 300 miles away very often tbh. As you say we have a lovely time when we do get together. We do have several what's apps set up with various family members and occasionally chat there.

This was me in my 20s. I had nothing in common with them. Saw them more when the kids were little, but then the focus was on the kids. My dad likes to talk at you and tbh, I don't need to put up with that as an adult.

I've tried to be more fun for my kids, so they don't scuttle away and forget about me when they're older. Both my parents saw a lot of their parents, but then, we all lived in the same town.

My MIL does this and it's the most insane boring stuff or photos of her face up close and I just don't want to look at that or respond to drivel
My husband reads and ignores.

Honestly, we don't really contact them because we have nothing on common and MIL is too full on for us.

Me too.

My chats with her are unspeakably dull, or combative (because she is incredibly judgemental), or both.

We stick to WhatsApp. She sends me memes and instagram reels and I acknowledge them with a 👍, or we talk about the weather.

I wish it was different, but this approach is the only way to keep the peace - we have drifted light years apart.

I was the same in my 20s. I was caught up with work/socialising and didn’t call my parents very often (though we were still close). I’m in my 30s now and contact them almost every day for a chat. If I lived in NZ I probably wouldn’t be calling every day though

YEARS ago when I was a single lady living in that London, my mum, aunt, gran friends, would write letters, send cards, postcards, which was lovely, read at my leisure, my sister too, away at Uni, letters, on blue airmail paper-I loved the rustle

Then married with children, mum was phoning usually about 6/7, peak child /family time which I found stressful, unnecessary calls obsessed with trivia.

See, OP, we move away, our lives are different, let them communicate at will.

but then, my own daughters communicate daily, one from the Caribbean,
one from 70 miles away, photos, comments, etc., on our Whatsapp group

Our lad is more elusive, will phone occasionally, often a two hour conversation,
appears occasionally on Whatsapp, had plenty to say this morning for instance ha ha

No news is good news

Tnere are good comments ^ as usual, yes you are worrying unduly.

Hurtful.

I message my mum most days and see them once a week.

My husband barely speaks to his parents because they are dull and have nothing in common.

Gosh ...every family is different. My two only live 5 mins away and we chat all day.
Even if its only to ask what you having for tea lol.
I see them about 3 times a week too.
I couldn't go a week without seeing my Grandkids.. even though eldest is 19.
Sorry l can't offer any help.
We are all different.

It’s a tough one. I have a very close relationship with my mum, but probably only speak once or twice a week. Each time i initiate the call, but that’s because I work shifts and she doesn’t know when I’m working. However we message most days, initiated by both of us. This is not a hard and fast rule, I just think that’s the routine we’ve got into.
surely if your find that this isn’t working for you, you could initiate change? I appreciate you couldn’t just nip to your daughters, but you could suggest zoom or teams video calls. With your son could you not suggest meeting for lunch or perhaps doing something together, like a class or the theatre/cinema.

I live abroad from my mum and we WhatsApp maybe twice a week and speak on the phone/video call once a week... almost all messages instigated by me, but the chat time slot is set in stone.

People just get carried away with their own lives, and before you know it, days have gone by and you've not even thought about talking to your parents.

As bad as you might feel, this means you've raised them right. They're happy to go off and explore on their own. They've spread their wings.

Think about what life was like before social media, before you COULD message 24/7. It wouldn't have been an option.

Could you perhaps arrange a time each week/fortnight to actually call them, rather than just mindless texting? If you do this, you'll all have more to talk about.

You shouldn't make your kids feel like talking to you is a chore, and if you constantly expect more of them, that's what they will feel.

My mum would tell me all her drama and fail to ask about me, but was equally hurt when she didn’t know about my life in detail. Was a tricky dynamic and I ended up not speaking to her much, because I found it draining and sad.

I have one or two friends who speak to their mums all the time - every day. But it’s very gossipy about the other family members, and drama-fuelled about their marriage etc.

It might just be a natural thing to only speak to your parents occasionally?

Honestly, I think you probably need to reflect on whether or not tour behaviour, attitudes etc. have contributed to this.

Could be totally wrong, but I think you lay the 'normal' with the relationship you had with your parents/in-laws.
I have to say I'm not brilliant with communicating with my DM, but DH has always been regularly in touch with his parents, so mine see it as the way it is.
My eldest two are a similar age to yours, one overseas, and I think some form of communication takes place each day, usually a WhatsApp or a photo etc. to me or DH.
I'm always surprised on here when people say they don't hear much from their DC, then when asked, go on to say they don't include their own parents or in-laws in family interactions.

I think it depends on the situation. When I was in secondary school. I had this routine with my mum where I call when I would come from school whilst she was at work. This pattern continued throughout my adult life although much less frequent contact.

Could you ask them for lunch

Yes the whatsapp is great ours are all of the dog lol. Op I dont know maybe some arent great for chats. I dont ring my mam much she 80s its all negative and what the priests did this week. But we all different. My kids still live here so the messages are more about college or train pickups etc.