Adult children not calling or messaging often

I suppose I never intuited that this might be the case because my beloved grandmother rang me whenever she felt like it and I was always thrilled to hear from her. My life is hardly busy!

Because we have the sense that younger people are too busy with their exciting lives to be bothered with us.

MIL contacts DH daily via chat and vice versa and they talk every other day on the phone. She lives 2 hours away and is older and makes effort to drive to see us. I wish my mum was like this.

My mum is opposite and lives 30 minutes away. I always have to instigate contact otherwise she will never call and never message. In-person visits are frequent enough from my end (2-3 times a month), considering she doesn’t reciprocate. DH and I have a small child and we both work. When I was pregnant, she didn’t bother to travel 15 minutes to meet me for a coffee after work (I work mid-way between our places). She didn’t check in on me and the pregnancy. It’s always me reaching out.

OP, I think your kids should put effort to reciprocate contact. Maybe gently let them know you’d like them to contact more. You seem like a nice mum reaching out and visiting. They are lucky kids!

I can only speak of my experience which is I try to speak to both our parents as little as possible and I'd prefer to love the opposite side of the world from them. I have alot of childhood trauma from abuse so I'm not sure I even like my mum, my bio dad died and I found out when I was 20 that he didn't think he was my dad, he was but was a shite dad. Mt step dad hurt us so that's why I do not speak to then often, we are so different and I do absolutely everything to give my children the best chances.

Mother in law annoys me because if you tell her anything it's gossip around the family straight away. Plus none of them prioritise seeing us or the kids, they see us if they end up being free. So we don't prioritise them, and certainly don't tell any of them about our life. I have to prepare myself for seeing them, its difficult. There's obviously alot more to it, but for your own daughter to not he bothered about speaking to you, there must be something amiss.

Why do they think this? My Nanna used to ring me all the time.

@PassingStranger Yes, that’s why I make an effort with my Dad, I’d give so much for five minutes with my late Mum. 💐

I try not to @Catnipcupcakes , but I do feel sorry for her parents. Im pretty certain that they haven’t done anything, she just says that she doesn’t have time. But she can text me regularly. 🤷

To anyone who think it's boring etc talking to their parents on the phone.
Remember one day they won't be here.
You will then wish they were on the end of the phone.

^ This!!!

Only an hour and you see DS 6 times a year thats appalling
My DB lives 1.5hrs form my parents and works 16 hour shifts in Medicine. Yet he visits once a month sometimes a week at a time and calls every other day. As the daughter I am super close to my Mum and we speak nearly everyday. The days I can't is because she knows I am super busy dealing with the kids.
I live 4hrs from my parents and we go to them 4 times a year and they come up to us 2 times a year. If I was an hour away be there twice a month for sure!

I guess every family is different.

Very very normal in your 20s to withdraw a bit from your family whilst you’re getting on with your life. I’d say it’s healthy, really. Shows they’re rounded, well adjusted adults with busy lives. And if your daughter is in NZ the time difference is probably playing a part.

My dad sometimes complains that we don’t ring home enough, that he used to ring his mum every day. He has forgotten that he really wasn’t a very nice dad when we were teens (working shifts, understandably tired, always angry, nothing good enough).

My mum was fine but she was never my friend. We never chatted. In my twenties they weren’t interested because my brother had a baby and I didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, they are interested now and we get on ok, but we are at the other side of the country and I just don’t feel close to them. They do things like ring at 9pm on a Sunday when I have uniform and lunch to sort. When they call, the questions are super generic. When I have something I’m worried about they just say ‘you will be fine’ and don’t actually want to get into details. They don’t care what I watch or like reading or do.

that sounds so harsh, but in reality they want us (my brother too) to give a lot, but never realise they didn’t build that kind of relationship.

i always answer when they ring and I ring them at least once a week. My dad is ill now and I feel bad I can’t do more, but I am really exhausted with working and school age kids. It’s just hard.

I'm 30 and call my mum most days, at least a few times a week to chat and natter away. If we don't call, we end up texting about something or other. She's my mum first but she's also a person I really like and find interesting and funny, I enjoy her company and conversation. I wish more people fostered 'friendships' with their parents, especially once they are adults.

Because older people often have the sense that younger people ar annoyed by their “intrusions”. Perhaps you should raise the subject and have an honest conversation about it. Your mum might be over the moon that you want her to contact you more often. Just be careful what you wish for.

I echo what many others said - in my twenties and early thirties I was too busy having fun, and I didn’t want to have to report back and explain my every move to my mum. Now I’m older and have DC of my own, we talk a lot more- it’s like I wanted to prove I didn’t need her, but now I want and seek out her advice !

With the son who lives an hour away just offer to take him out for dinner once a month. If he is only an hour away that is easily do able.

OP, do you really want them to feel compelled to make the weekly "duty" phone call, because that's grimmer than grim, and guaranteed to kill the relationship.
You see your son pretty often, they know where you are, everyone gets on - all sounds good to me, and a nice, relaxed vibe.

Being friends for decades doesn’t mean you know everything about their relationship. Don’t judge her.

There must be a reason.

Oops

Unless there’s a rift, I think it’s good for both sides to make some effort to keep in touch. One of my friends hardly ever bothers with her parents, who were so supportive of her growing up (I know, because we’ve been friends for decades). She doesn’t value them, tbh, which is rather sad.

OP, it’s perfectly normal! When your children are young and without family of their own, they are out and about with their friends, socialising and living their lives. Once they settle down and you have grandchildren, I think you’ll find you hear from them a lot more. Just make sure you keep up the communication your end - even if they don’t respond, they will read it!

I am the "away daughter who never calls"
I'm about 500 miles away, have been for over 25 years. When I was younger I did call more but recently no, not so much. I work and have 2 DC. DC1 has some MH needs and DC2 has ASD, PDA and EBSA. It takes so much time and effort every single day to get DC2 to school that I have to work evenings etc to keep up with my job.
So a lot of the time I think "must phone later" then I'll get home, catch up on work, make tea, deal with whatever arguments or emotional needs there are, housework/tidy up etc, then before I know it it's 10pm, too late to call so "I'll try again tomorrow".
I've just realised the last time I called was Father's Day (at 9pm after another one of those days!). But also the only time they ever call me is with significant news (of the "someone is seriously ill" level) or "DCs birthday is coming up, can you get some presents and I'll send you money".

My relationship with my parents was getting worse and worse over the years. It was bad when we were children. Inconsistent, rules and expectations, inconsistent enforcement of said rules and varying reactions to following or breaking rules. Especially my mother would blow hot and cold with in her reactions to our actions, decisions or lack thereof. I never knew where I stood with her.

My father was more predictable and I also knew I could go to him whenever my mother sad no. He had his own temper issues, but they were easier to predict and no longer scary when he lost much of his strength. He would sometimes warn me to stay away when my mother was in one of her moods, but not always. I never knew what I walked into when visiting them or when I spoke to them on the phone.

In the end it got so bad I cut off all contact.

So, OP, I don't know how you can be closer to your children, just don't quilt-trip them, interrogate them, judge them or try to tell them how to live there lives.

Connect with them as fellow adults instead. That's all I can tell you.

I personally want my mum in my life. She's one of the most important people in my life, if not the most important.