Boyfriend says he doesn’t feel “as close to me”

Have you posted about this before op? Reads very familiar.

The interrupting, making conversation with what you believe to be shared experiences but actually just taking away from what he’s trying to say, the emotional over attachment - these are all very key traits of neurodiversity. But it’s also very difficult to live with (the second one with my undx ASD ex used to drive me utterly spare as much as I knew he couldn’t help it). He’s right that you need to work on compromising and comprehending back and forth communication, and that needing constant reassurance is suffocating. However a lot of therapy isn’t suitable to meeting ND needs, which is not the same as a MH issue.

So, he's teling you that if you keep going on and on about how much of a nightmare you are, he will break up with you?

Honestly, good for him. We see women on here all the time who have men like this who use their terrible behaviour as a way to make themselves the victim, "oh, I'm a terrible person and I can't help it and no one can ever love me" and a way to manipulate and control their partners. And I'm afraid to say that you are fitting this very well.

It's quite narcissistic (I'm not saying you're a narcissist but that the behaviours are) - dragging out arguments, not taking responsibility (your comments like, "I do try but I can't help it are CLASSIC examples of this - a healthy person would say, "You're right, I didn't think about what you needed there. I will do better"), the need for constant reassurance.... All of this quickly leads to controlling ridiculous behaviour. Do you get jealous and worried when he's out with friends or late from work? Do you feel rejected if he's not super perky and happy to see you every day? Do you get resentful because you're not cuddling on the sofa all loved up every night.

You say you are in therapy. Therapy only works if you engage with it and take responsibility for your actions and reactions. I'm not sure that's happening as yet.

How long have you been in therapy? If it’s been a while you may need to try a different therapist or different type of therapy?

The posters suggesting he’s had his head turned - nothing suggests this. Stop creating unnecessary worry.

OP - you said he’s brought it up before but you asked him about it yesterday, so you brought it up. We all like reassurance but if you’re constantly badgering him it is going to push him away, which is what he’s tried to tell you. Everyone on here always says men should speak up about their feelings, you need to let him do that. Of course you can say how you feel, but you admit to taking it too far with the reassurance seeking. Of course he won’t feel as close to you. It’s your responsibility not to badger him to insanity just because you’re insecure. I say this as someone with mental health issues.

OP, I am similar to you and have been diagnosed with ADHD... though it's not just an ADHD thing.

I have an anxious attachment style and so does my husband. In previous relationships, I tended to gravitate towards avoidant types, which led to no end of trouble.

Be wary of him framing you entirely as the problem. Relationships take two people.

There's also another way to look at all this: you're not compatible. These problems don't come up if you have compatible communication styles, can understand each others' emotional responses to things, have similar conflict resolution styles, and similar preferred levels of depth and dialogue.

You also say you have trust issues: only you can know if you have valid trust issues with him or would with anyone...?

Either way, things shouldn't be this hard. I'd suggest ending the relationship, working positively on yourself, and being open to meeting someone new who you're more compatible with. I know that's way easier said than done and it takes ages to get to that point. But life's too short to be miserable and doubting yourself.

If you don't want to do that, use the therapy to get to a point where you're confident that your responses, emotions and conflict resolution styles are mature and appropriate. And if he still doesn't think so, then you have your answer about whether you're compatible.

Yeah sorry op I can see how tedious it might be for him if your constantly dragging things out or asking him how he feels about you - the interrupting thing really fucks me off and I have no time for that - it’s just plain rude. My children used to do that but have learned not to anymore.

Well we will, but to be honest even if he has, it in no way at all makes the OP’s behaviour ok or justified.
It would totally be an exit affair.

You can be defensive about your chosen relationship style or you can try and work on your relationship. It sounds very hard work for him tbh and he’s right to let you know how your behaviour is affecting him. You can’t claim to be blindsided if he breaks up with you.

Relationships develop over time, years. Initially everyone is putting forward the best version of themselves, and as each person settles into the relationship they start to show their real selves and personalities and can find they are not as compatible as they first thought. Sometimes it is deal breaker.

The drawing arguments out is draining for the other person and feels like you are pushing them to agree with you. Making someone else's stuff about you can also be wearing if it happens a lot

It's good you are getting help. You need to try and look at your relationship objectively, does your dp have a point? Can you try to manage how you communicate better?

If you don't feel you can then maybe you and your bf are not compatible.

There's nothing to suggest that whatsoever. OP you agree with him that you're doing the things he doesn't like but keep doing them anyway, you do need to work on yourself otherwise you're going to drive him away

Yes your behaviour drains him and it does push him away. I had a friend like this and the only way I could explain it was that every time they asked for reassurance (without a sensible reason) or did something that showed they didn't trust me... Every time, it cost me. It cost me hurt feelings. I tried to be understanding and to consider where it was coming from within them, but you can't do that forever because it damages you. Every time they did that it hurt me, and eventually I just backed off because I couldn't let myself be hurt anymore.

Some might say why does it cost you to reassure somebody you love? It does. Because every time they do this kind of thing they're saying they don't believe your, they have no faith in you, and every time it hurts.

So it isn't just your personality, it's your behaviour, and the way you are behaving is hurting him. Every single time.

I'm not trying to be unkind, I just wanted to be really clear about what this does to the other person. It's absolutely not harmless, it's not ok, and it's not healthy to be the other person in a relationship like this.

I kindly recommend you deal with your own mental and emotional health issues before being in a relationship.

It may be a longb journey for you but I truly do wish you a happier and healthier future.

If it’s exactly as you’ve told it OP then you can work on these problems you’ve identified - and there’s some really good advice above about not seeing negative traits as integral to your personality.

I may be projecting, but is there any chance he is manipulating you? If you’re sure you’re the problem that’s great in a way as you can address it. But my ex used to say these things about me while in fact it was him who couldn’t (a) discuss and resolve issues, so he accused me of dragging things out, and (b) who made everything about him and his emotions. I too sought therapy, but actually my ex was the gaslighty, manipulative, emotionally unavailable problem - and now I’m in a healthy relationship that’s abundantly clear.

Kindly said, I think you are probably not in a good place to have a relationship with anyone right now until you work through your issues, OP. I think even if you were with another person the same things would crop up, therefore you owe it to yourself to sort those out.

Your behaviour would be hard to live with and MH is not an excuse.

There’s certain things I do that he says push him away. For example I have a tendency to drag arguments out rather than let things go, because I find it hard to let things go and I always linger on things, ask more questions or dwell on things. This is hugely part of my personality. I also have trust issues which is a large part of this, I’m always asking him question about how he feels about me and need reassurance. Finally he says that when he wants to talk about his feelings, I turn it around on me and only talk about myself. I always just think I’m being empathetic or agreeing with him. Either that or I interrupt him, which I’m trying hard to stop doing

I couldn’t cope with that either.

Well he’s certainly not in the wrong is he. You can’t manipulate him into feeling differently. He’s right you need to carry on working on your mental health to manage your destructive habits.

It can be hard living with someone with mental health issues and insecurities, but that would rarely be a reason to end things if your relationship is healthy, happy and established.

Sometimes relationships just don't work out OP. Yours may or may not but for now you need to focus on you. It sounds like it's common for you to push him for emotional responses and reassurance which he has communicated is off-putting for him (it would be off-putting for me too whilst some wouldn't mind). So try not to do that.

But sometimes you just need to accept that you're two different people who may not be compatible enough to sustain a long term relationship, that's ok, there are other potential partners out there.

Forgot to add. Telling your story that relates to show empathy is classic ADHD/ND and one of the traits that you can learn to manage.

It's not OK to just accept negative behaviour from yourself as just your personality and not try to be better, he's entitled to feel how he does when he's told you these things upset him