Slightly offended DGM announced I 'married well'

This is what I tell my mother every fucking time she tells me how lucky I am to have met and married my husband. Don’t get me wrong, I feel lucky and I love him to the end of the world but doesn’t mean I need to hear about how great he is for “taking on” me and my kids. My husband always points out to my mother that I took him on too (he didn’t have children before we met).

@purpleme12 Blessed are the peacemakers…. 💐💐💐

Yeah, this. She's not wrong.

As much as your life choices are commendable surely your husband earning well is what allows you to do this, and if it wasn’t him it would be benefits. Yes it grates but is there not truth in it?

I'd tell her that you're offended and why. Hopefully she will apologise and stop. If she continues, I'd just tell her to shut up.

"Married well" means that you married someone who offers higher financial security. Which you did

Your work is worthwhile, and I'm sure you're a nice person but the phrase "married well" is just about money

I would ignore it. Dh was nice about you when she said it. Plus you don’t earn the income to run the home, he does. Yes he’s absent but you’re freed up to work informally and do what you want. Most people don’t.
if she is mean in future cut down on how much you see her.

She has form for comments like this, which speaks volumes about her. Most importantly, you and your DH value your contribution so try and ignore the spite. And perhaps limit the opportunities for her to put you down.

You did marry well 🤷‍♀️ If you didn’t have a high earning husband you’d not be able to do your job paying pennies and still be comfortable. Also if your family including your GM are poor and you’re now relatively wealthy they may well make comments like that because they can see that you have moved into a different social class.

But you did marry well. Plenty of parents are away for jobs that don't even pay that well. Thanks to him you get this lifestyle and are able to volunteer. There is no perfect 50-50 marriage and parenting so your deal, while it's tough missing him day to day, has many advantages, too.

And considering how rich,well educated men tend to marry off equally rich and well educatee women you have done well to bag a rich husband. You obviously are lucky and have many attractive qualities about you because this isn't the typical pairing. Some husbands work hard long exhausting hours and their wives have to work too because it's not enough money. Your compromise is that you see him less and his compromise is not seeing his family much AND being responsible for their income. You get to see the children grow up and be a benevolent philanthropist with no financial worries. It could be worse!

And i didn't read her comment as dissing your contributions to society. You were able to do this thanks to your husband. I am sure the charities are delighted to have someone like you, passionate but also financially secure enough not to leave them for a job or financial reasons. You are the ideal charity volunteer!

I'm not sure what's offensive about it - she's right. You have married well.

You have a husband who earns a great income and allows you to dedicate your life to your passion (charity work) without having to worry about how you're going to pay the mortgage or the bills every month. That's pretty fucking amazing, really.

When we laugh at the Mrs Bennet terms our dgms use, we should remember that their struggles were very different to ours.
According to my dgm I married well (I take this as a compliment, we've been happily married for 28 years) I'm also lucky, apparently that he "let's" me run my little business (I'm the breadwinner). My grandmother would have worked for pennies because that's all women were deemed worthy of. She would be lost her job when she announced her pregnancy and not been welcomed back into the workplace until her dc were independent of her.

I've heard this used more in relation to financial security than a husbands personality. Or if someone is believed to have moved to a 'higher' class. It's an old fashioned attitude when women didn't have earning potential and 'marrying well' was their ticket to a good life and the only control they had over their circumstances. I wouldn't get upset over this. It's complimenting your DHs background but also your life choices. It's just outdated, that's all.

It’s the old-age equivalent of saying someone is “punching”.

Regardless of whether it’s true or not, it’s an unkind thing to say

I mean - by your own account you did

Lots of us would love to be as utterly selfless and devoted to the needy as you sound

"my life's mission has always been to help others"

But we have bills to pay, you have been absolved of that by your husbands career and support that that enabled.

I actually don't think your dgm said anything wrong, I think you're just annoyed that your "life's mission" wasn't the first talking point and that instead someone recognised how privileged you are to be able to do that full time and precisely why that is.

It grates because it touched a nerve, and its true.

Own it.

Would rather that than 'married a complete arsehole' and that be true.

You are happy in life and that is why things like this bother you. It's small fry in the big scheme of things.

It's a generational thing. I wouldn't worry too much. We forget how far women's rights have come. She is of an era when women didn't have the same opportunities, so marrying a man with means meant a much easier life.
And you have married well if your DH is a lovely bloke - maybe she just likes him!
Hopefully it's just outdated, clumsy language on her part.

You did marry well.

I'd love to use my skills to do charity work and help others but I'd have no home and my children would have an incredibly impoverished life.

I think for her generation 'marrying well' is a compliment. So many women had really hard lives, huge numbers of children, not enough money to go round. Marrying well was what they hoped for their daughters most of all, education and careers were not so easy to get for women until pretty recently and charitable works were just what was expected of the better off. I don't think she meant anything bad at all

You describe yourself as 'comfortable' and then go on to say...

I on the other hand, earn pennies but have spent my entire career working for Charities, volunteering, fundraising and raising awareness.

So in what world have you not married well?

I mean considering 'married well' generally means married to someone with a good income.

Marrying well is a compliment?
Not everyone can.
If you get yourself a well earning spouse, that is a smart move.

Yes, this was my first thought too.

OP, it seems as though you can indulge yourself in 'earning pennies' the way you want to, without having to worry about income because your DH provides that.

There's nothing wrong with that but there's nothing wrong with admitting it either.

It’s the kind of thing my mum would say. She once said ‘hasn’t Jane done well for herself’ - as she’s married well (she’s a SAHM). Little regard for the fact I’ve worked my way up in a good job, she values someone who has more money.

I'd have just interpreted this as her way of saying she liked my husband!
But maybe I'm wrong!

do you think you married well?

it sounds like you did by your own admission
he could be an absent father earning pennies so you wouldn't have the luxury of working for charities etc

it wouldn’t bother be in the scenario you describe but if it bothers you, you need to learn to call people out, it doesn’t sound like it was said with malice though