Page 2 | To kick him out 3 days after he moved in!?

YourRubyBee · 2024-07-04T16:49:22+00:00

Hi all, I have been with my boyfriend for about a year, he had never been to my house (my choice) and instead I stayed at his parents house with him 3 nights a week and we went out etc. I moved house last week and he was meant to be moving in with me. Unfortunately the house move fell during the week he was away on a lads holiday that was booked months ago. He came back from his holiday Monday night and came straight to the new house. He has effectively been in bed since. He has gotten up a few times, once to shower and once to make a sandwich, other than that he has been in bed (mostly asleep). At one point he bought an airbed downstairs and slept on it on the living room floor because there are no blinds in the bedroom yet and the sun was in his eyes and the 'couch is uncomfy' (this was during school hours and he went back upstairs to bed when my kids were due home). I have done the house move, organising everything, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, school runs etc alone. I am looking after the kids (mine from a previous relationship) and the dog. He put a lampshade the night he got here and has done precisely nothing since. He says he has a sore throat but it feels like an excuse. To be fair to him he was saying he had a sore throat whilst on holiday but still managed to go out drinking every night. He is a qualified tradesman but he isnt working right now. I have asked him to get up and come downstairs, walk the dog with me, have tea together etc (I am currently making him meals and he is eating them in bed). What would you do? Is this a sign of things to come? He did spend alot of time in bed whilst we stayed at his parents house but I assumed it was because we spent our time together up there watching films etc because his parents were downstairs. Any advice please

vickylou78 · 07/07/2024 11:28

My guess would be you've both had COVID maybe

vickylou78 · 07/07/2024 11:27

Sounds like he was genuinely ill op, and now you've caught whatever he had. If he was genuinely ill I think the first three days can be forgotten and see how it all goes from now on

6pence · 07/07/2024 09:11

He’s stepped up now. It’s possible You’ve got what he had but it’s presenting differently (covid?) See how it goes and watch out for the red flags.

CocoPlum · 07/07/2024 09:01

I'm sorry you're poorly OP, have you taken a covid test?

But a healthy 26yo who's just been on holiday needing to "take some time off", coincidentally just as he moves into his partner's home? Can you see why this is a massive red flag?

Muddyevil82 · 07/07/2024 07:56

I think of partners this way now (as I have health issues). Would your partner not only want to spend time alone with kids whilst you were ill, but would they also pick up the slack and help run the household to make sure it didn't implode? If the answer is no, then either it's too early in the relationship to judge and more time where he just stays over some nights is the way forward, or you don't think he ever would and in which case kick him to there curb! Sorry OP,.

Itsmecathy87 · 07/07/2024 07:56

YourRubyBee · 07/07/2024 02:35

Hi all, sorry I haven't replied, I am very ill. Temperature, can't swallow, everywhere hurts - eyes, skin, throat, neck etc. I did speak to him that evening yes, he is going back to his parents but will stay here a few nights a week for the time being and we will go from there. He has been great the last few days, has done everything that needed doing around the house, has been cooking for us, food shopping whilst I've been poorly and this evening he followed a recipe to make my favourite cheesecake from scratch to try and cheer me up which I thought was lovely. He apologised and said he felt ill the last few days of the holiday but the last day was awful and by the time he was home he was so unwell and fatigued he just slept for days.

He does contribute more than his fair share financially and has made a choice not to work at the moment due to not needing to. He has worked everyday since leaving school (joinery apprenticeship and then straight into employment/self employment) and has decided to take some time off - I personally see no problem with this providing he has plans for the future, which he does. I am also self employed in quite a niche market and the goal has always been financial freedom rather than materialistic wealth; to not have to work through choice is a positive to me.

Yes, I believe he moved in too quickly and recognised that through reading all the comments. I spoke to both of my daughters about the situation privately and they are both happy and comfortable with him around. He has never given any indication that he has any untoward motive to being with me and I am certain that is not the case.

Thank you to everyone who took time to respond, I appreciate the advice and the eye opening to what I could have done differently.

Feel better soon @YourRubyBee
It's good to see you have a sensible solution.
Some of the replies by mumsnetters have been unhinged

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 07/07/2024 07:34

Cityandmakeup · 07/07/2024 07:11

You are 26 and your kids are 14/15?

She is 34, he is 26, the girls are 15/16.

TheMerryWidow1 · 07/07/2024 07:18

Cityandmakeup · 07/07/2024 07:11

You are 26 and your kids are 14/15?

Nope she is 34. Feel better soon op

Smartish · 07/07/2024 07:18

Cityandmakeup · 07/07/2024 07:11

You are 26 and your kids are 14/15?

Nope he is 26 and she is 34.

Cityandmakeup · 07/07/2024 07:11

You are 26 and your kids are 14/15?

Original poster

YourRubyBee · 07/07/2024 02:35

Hi all, sorry I haven't replied, I am very ill. Temperature, can't swallow, everywhere hurts - eyes, skin, throat, neck etc. I did speak to him that evening yes, he is going back to his parents but will stay here a few nights a week for the time being and we will go from there. He has been great the last few days, has done everything that needed doing around the house, has been cooking for us, food shopping whilst I've been poorly and this evening he followed a recipe to make my favourite cheesecake from scratch to try and cheer me up which I thought was lovely. He apologised and said he felt ill the last few days of the holiday but the last day was awful and by the time he was home he was so unwell and fatigued he just slept for days.

He does contribute more than his fair share financially and has made a choice not to work at the moment due to not needing to. He has worked everyday since leaving school (joinery apprenticeship and then straight into employment/self employment) and has decided to take some time off - I personally see no problem with this providing he has plans for the future, which he does. I am also self employed in quite a niche market and the goal has always been financial freedom rather than materialistic wealth; to not have to work through choice is a positive to me.

Yes, I believe he moved in too quickly and recognised that through reading all the comments. I spoke to both of my daughters about the situation privately and they are both happy and comfortable with him around. He has never given any indication that he has any untoward motive to being with me and I am certain that is not the case.

Thank you to everyone who took time to respond, I appreciate the advice and the eye opening to what I could have done differently.

OP posts:

T1Dmama · 06/07/2024 16:46

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 21:34

Yes he cooked for me all the time, cleaned up after himself afterwards etc. He has worked yes.

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Sounds like he’s treating himself as a guest in your house rather than sharing responsibilities ..
No judgement, love does strange things to us…
I’d tell him you’ve made a mistake moving him in and would rather go back to more casual for now and ask him to go back to his parents, say he can stay a few nights a week and while there he buys food…. And then go from there….
maybe suggest he works and invests his inheritance and see what his response is…
Then you can have space to think about whether you have a bf gf relationship with him or whether you’re being motherly to him and having to walk him through daily life!
I wouldn’t just cut him off, I’d take a step back and go slower.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/07/2024 12:35

@Liripipe - on 04/07, the OP said this:

”He is independently wealthy. He isn't working at the moment because he is using inheritance to support himself. The house he lived in with his parents is not small by any means, it is in the North West and is currently on the market at just over 1.2 million - not that any of this matters, but emphasises that he wasn't 'forced' to stay upstairs due to the house being too small.”

Bananalanacake · 06/07/2024 12:26

Have a relationship without living together.

Gogogo12345 · 06/07/2024 11:30

Liripipe · 04/07/2024 20:04

The OP nowhere says he is 'independently wealthy', or has an inheritance of any size. She says he's 'from a well-off household', which could mean anything, depending on the OP's own idea of relative wealth and poverty. I think she means his parents are comfortable enough to not require him to pay rent or contribute to bills, which enables a 26 year old to laze about, not work and focus on the gym and going on sunbeds.

I would be very surprised if an independently wealthy 26 year old was living with his parents in a house that was small enough to mean that he lurked upstairs in bed with his girlfriend watching TV because his parents were downstairs (presumably occupying the main living room). Or that it would be an appealing prospect for a rich 26 year old to move in with his girlfriend and her teenagers and sleep on an airbed.

I fail to see the connection she makes between him coming from a well-off household and being expected to do nothing around the house, though.

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She said he was paying his share from an inheritance

Lampzade · 06/07/2024 11:14

Why are some women so quick to move a man into their home?
Do your due diligence ffs

BiscuityBoyle · 06/07/2024 11:11

It doesn’t sound like he’s bringing much to this relationship. As for the inheritance he will burn through that quickly. He would have been much better off putting it towards a house.

JudithOx · 06/07/2024 09:51

solerolo · 05/07/2024 21:53

The lack of response from the OP @YourRubyBee is telling. The boyfriend is probably still there in her bedroom hiding from the light.

There's times that context and support from various portals helps. But on the whole it's best to view the whole picture. This woman put her desire for a boyfriend ahead of her kids home environment. Shame on you, OP

This. Shame on you. Wake up to yourself.

JudithOx · 06/07/2024 09:49

If you need to ask, you have bigger issues -- self-esteem, to start. How can you bring a man like this to your children? How can you even consider staying with him? If he acts like this when he moves in, lad holiday or otherwise, he's a loser. And you're cooking his meals?? And letting your children see this kind of person going about the house? Kick him out, don't look back, and think twice about bringing a new man to your children, especially one who's never visited before...

IncompleteSenten · 06/07/2024 02:14

solerolo · 05/07/2024 22:57

Really?!

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Yes.

MarlaSingersMiddleFinger · 05/07/2024 23:27

@YourRubyBee he may be genuinely ill there are a lot of summer bugs going around at the moment.
Have a word and tell him how you feel and that its not going to work like this. Also you should consider what kind kf relationship you model to your children they need to see positive partnerships not their mum moving in someone who doesn't help and lives off (and I assume) limited inheritance rather than using that for a better future for themselves.

I still woukd be reluctant to write him off especially if he has always ljved at home he may need a little 'training' but if you have feelings and he js good in other ways it may be worth it.

Grumblegore · 05/07/2024 23:26

Im not materialistic I don’t really care what job a man does but he has to do a days graft for me to be interested.

Exactly it’s just the basics really. He doesn’t have to be a high earner or anything. Just go out and work instead of trying to live off me or your parents and that’s good with me.

SamW98 · 05/07/2024 22:59

Grumblegore · 05/07/2024 22:21

She’s probably busy kicking him out tbf and will hopefully recognise the red flags for next time 🤞 good luck, OP!

When I was single and used to do online dating the minute a man mentioned he was only doing casual/ part-time work or wasn’t working at all I’d unmatch unless there was a good reason and I’ve not heard one yet.

All the men I met who were like that seemed hyper focused on the gym or some kind of hobby.

Health and fitness is important but to me it’s so unattractive for a man of 30+ to spend hours in the gym most days a week to the detriment of his career, home and finances.

I couldn’t be with a man who’ll happily watch me working hard and holding it down at home too, while they just relax and enjoy their hobbies.

Agree. In my OLD days I swiped left for the gym bunnies, the marathons runners, the hikers, paddle boarders etc who seem to spend every weekend indulging their hobby.

Im not materialistic I don’t really care what job a man does but he has to do a days graft for me to be interested.

solerolo · 05/07/2024 22:57

IncompleteSenten · 05/07/2024 22:02

Or she decided not to come back because some posters have been utter cunts at her.

Really?!

Grumblegore · 05/07/2024 22:21

She’s probably busy kicking him out tbf and will hopefully recognise the red flags for next time 🤞 good luck, OP!

When I was single and used to do online dating the minute a man mentioned he was only doing casual/ part-time work or wasn’t working at all I’d unmatch unless there was a good reason and I’ve not heard one yet.

All the men I met who were like that seemed hyper focused on the gym or some kind of hobby.

Health and fitness is important but to me it’s so unattractive for a man of 30+ to spend hours in the gym most days a week to the detriment of his career, home and finances.

I couldn’t be with a man who’ll happily watch me working hard and holding it down at home too, while they just relax and enjoy their hobbies.