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Original poster

Ex appears to have ghosted me, I'm devastated

413 replies

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 15:55

It was me who left. It was for various things, the first one being stalling on commitment.
The second was that he was quite critical of me, like I'd get a new haircut and he'd burst out laughing and say it looked like (insert X cartoon character)
Or he didn't like me using shop bought sauces so one time he deliberately hid the one I'd bought so I'd have to make a new one.
I felt like the cooking thing was a huge deal for him.
Our tenancy was ending soon and he seemed hesitant about us finding a new place to live.
Or on several occasions, he'd go out all night and not even tell me he'd gone out, I'd just come back to an empty flat.
He heavily berated me when he found out I had 1.5k of credit card debt, even though I was managing to pay it. He also told his parents something about my credit which I really didn't like.
I'm trying to justify why I left, but the main one was that I didn't feel I was his 'one" and that he was quite critical of me even though I did so much for him.
He really wanted me to be an avid reader. I do read, but I'm much more into non-fiction, I'm not massively into literature. I'm 'book-smart' I guess you could say, but I am just not someone who constantly reads novels sadly.

We stayed friends. We would still message all the time, he seemed upset at first but I wouldn't say he tried to win me back. I often felt I'd made a mistake, we had so many wonderful times together. We spent 5 hours together the other week.
I guess it was strange to still speak to your ex every day.. anyway, despite being the one to message me last, he's ghosted me. Just stopped reading and replying to my messages.
I am devastated.. I still regret the break up, we were together a long time. I'm 34 soon and I panicked.
But I didn't expect this. Everyone said I'd done the right thing leaving, but I still hoped we could work it out.

OP posts:
Friendshipissue · 04/07/2024 21:34

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 20:07

I just told him I was going to stay at my parents for a bit.
Then he said he missed me a lot but the thought of getting married, kids etc. Was just too much responsibility for him.
Then he was saying he had been unhappy as he didn't see me enough due to our working hours, then about the whole cooking thing and something about how I wasn't organised/transparent about finances. That hurts because I financially supported him.

Then he said something like he wished there was a solution he could see before it was too late.

OP I understand the feelings, it sucks. Think of the opportunity cost, there is a good possibility that you might meet an amazing man who loves you to bits and wants everything with you if you clear your precious emotional space of him. Usually when a man says "i don't want x y z" there is usually a hidden "with you". You don't have time for this and what's certainly not okay is his awful snarky comments. It doesn't sound very joyous for you and I don't think a nice mature person behaves like that if they care about someone.

Springadorable · 04/07/2024 21:07

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 19:17

I've been ghosted by a colleague at work too gjis
week. Nothing untoward, we chatted a lot and then he suddenly went quiet and didn't reply to my last msg/stopped the convo.
I wasn't interested at all in that way, he's 9 years younger and has a gf, I enjoyed the friendship.
There's only so much ignoring and rejection one person can take.

Are you sure you're being ghosted? I leave friends on read all the time and eventually get back to them. Life just goes on.

MyBreezyPombear · 04/07/2024 20:50

OP I mean this kindly because I have been where you are at the age of 35 but he's told you he doesn't want marriage and or kids as it's too much responsibility. Nothing has changed, he still doesn't want them but also he has now said multiple times he doesn't want to get back together.

Please put yourself first. If you want marriage and kids then you need to find someone else, this guy isn't the one for you.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/07/2024 20:26

@Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 - if he does start responding and you do get back together, he will just carry on treating you as badly as he did before. He isn’t going to undergo a miraculous change of character - the leopard doesn’t change his spots.

You deserve better.

UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing · 04/07/2024 20:25

If he gets in touch for another chance you could get back together and spend another couple of years or so trying to understand why you aren't happy even though you have won your prize.. Let us know how you get on.

loropianalover · 04/07/2024 20:25

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 20:07

I just told him I was going to stay at my parents for a bit.
Then he said he missed me a lot but the thought of getting married, kids etc. Was just too much responsibility for him.
Then he was saying he had been unhappy as he didn't see me enough due to our working hours, then about the whole cooking thing and something about how I wasn't organised/transparent about finances. That hurts because I financially supported him.

Then he said something like he wished there was a solution he could see before it was too late.

Ok - so now we know marriage and kids are too much for him, and we have it in writing. So we can give it up now, right? And move on?

This is getting cringey OP.

wreckingthejoint · 04/07/2024 20:23

OP, you're hurt and disappointed and confused by the lack of communication but really he's doing you a favour. You can't carry on with this 'friendship' after breaking up in the vain hope he'll have you back and it will all work out. This limbo is stopping you from moving on and finding someone much better for you. He's had plenty of opportunity to try again, declare a commitment etc and hasn't. Even if he did how can you expect him to change when he treated you so badly?

ShyCrab · 04/07/2024 20:20

Op are you even reading these responses. Gently, you need to stop going over this and move on. He’s clearly said he doesn’t want to get back together and although I’m sure that must hurt, you need to get on with your life. There’s no need to be so defensive.

diddl · 04/07/2024 20:16

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 20:08

He hasn't blocked me so there's a chance he might still reply but who knows.

To what purpose?

In the 8 months since you split but have remained in contact-has anything changed?

BirthdayRainbow · 04/07/2024 20:09

We all know...

You are clutching onto crumbs that just are not there.

Original poster
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 20:08

He hasn't blocked me so there's a chance he might still reply but who knows.

OP posts:
Original poster
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 20:07

I just told him I was going to stay at my parents for a bit.
Then he said he missed me a lot but the thought of getting married, kids etc. Was just too much responsibility for him.
Then he was saying he had been unhappy as he didn't see me enough due to our working hours, then about the whole cooking thing and something about how I wasn't organised/transparent about finances. That hurts because I financially supported him.

Then he said something like he wished there was a solution he could see before it was too late.

OP posts:
ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 04/07/2024 20:03

OP, I similarly left my ex due to lack of commitment (after 7 years). I think secretly I hoped he'd realise what he'd lost and fight for the relationship. We stayed in touch, he kept telling me how miserable he was without me, wrote me letters about how much he missed me etc....but not once did he offer the commitment he knew I wanted. Eventually he met someone else, and I could actually see how much better suited to him she was (very similar to his mum! Much more willing to follow him in everything, didn't have a career for him to resent) I was genuinely happy for him, and it was actually a relief in a way because it drew a final line under the relationship. I met someone else too, MUCH more suited to me. Everyone ended up happy. We stayed in touch less and less and naturally drifted apart. Couldn't tell you who sent the last message/ phone call. I don't have any hard feelings whatsoever, he was a nice guy but we weren't right for each other and he saw it - thank God!!
You WILL move on, and you will eventually meet the person that's right for you- which you can't while you're still "involved " with him. So it's for the best, it really is. I know its hard, but it's NEVER a good idea to go back. Keep moving forward! There's a whole lot of life out there for you, get started on it!

diddl · 04/07/2024 20:02

I missed that it had been three days.

I can take longer than that to reply to people I actually like!

So he has been in contact with you for 8 months since you ended it.

How long did you expect contact to continue?

For as long as you wanted?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 04/07/2024 19:49

fleabites · 04/07/2024 18:22

Look, you dumped him because he wouldn't commit and for the other reasons listed in your OP. He sounds like a prick and you can do better than him.
You've kept up texting and so on for months when really you would have been better off having a clean break.

You went out for a meal with him and then he ghosted you. Maybe at the meal he got signals from you that you wanted him back or whatever and that's not what he wants and so he decided he had to put a stop to it.
Maybe the whole thing hurts him a lot and he's realized that having contact with you is making it worse and preventing him from moving on.
Maybe he's met someone else.

I had to ghost and block my ex in the end (even though he was the one to end the relationship). He was behaving in a similar way to you - texting, phoning, chatting, wanting to go out from time to time - but he didn't want to commit to me or to have a relationship again. I felt like he wanted to keep me hanging around as a Plan B in case he couldn't find someone better. Maybe your ex is getting vibes like that from you, even if you don't think those are the vibes you are giving out.

TLDR: He's done you a favour. You're better off without him and all this contact with him is preventing both of you from moving on with your lives.

This sums it up really.

Look this is harsh but he’s really done the kindest thing for both of you. You gain nothing from hanging on to exes, it’s far better to cut ties immediately and fully. I understand that you wanted to get back with him but he clearly didn’t want to get back with you. If he did he would have said. It doesn’t really matter why he’s ghosted now, take the opportunity to get over him and move on.

Biffbaff · 04/07/2024 19:43

Please, please see this as the sign you need to let him go. Permanently. He treats you terribly. If you want commitment and a relationship with a future at 34, he is actually showing you that won't be with him, and it shouldn't be, because he outright upsets you on purpose. Make a better choice OP, choose YOURSELF.

TheAlchemistElixa · 04/07/2024 19:41

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 18:11

But why send me a load of jokey messages, accept a meal from me etc and then suddenly ghost?

It’s only been THREE DAYS op! He could be finding it all a bit suffocating. Calm down.

Ivymom · 04/07/2024 19:39

If he were a worthwhile person, with a shred of dignity and remorse for the appalling way he treated OP while they were together, the first time OP said she wanted back together, he would have told her no and officially ended everything. He would communicate what he was willing to give, ie be friends, fwb, etc… and wouldn’t lead OP on knowing she wants more.

Out of curiosity, what do your friends and family think of him? What do they think of your continued contact with him? Has anyone in real life advised you to move on?

OP, you need to fix whatever it is within you that is willing to accept bad treatment from a partner. I’ll say it again because it is important, BLOCK HIM. Be done with him. Accept that it is over and process your grief. Don’t even attempt another relationship until you’ve had therapy.

pikkumyy77 · 04/07/2024 19:39

If the 8 months is like this thread he must have lost the will to live.

TheAlchemistElixa · 04/07/2024 19:37

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:24

I'm not sure why just ghost now? I don't think he's met anyone, but I could be wrong. He was messaging me a lot on Monday and suddenly, poof.
Why after all this time?

Sorry OP, but you’re starting to sound very needy. YOU dumped HIM. And you’ve asked him back twice and he’s given you his answers (which is no answer at all). Now you’re upset that he’s not replied to you in three days?! He wants to move on now. He doesn’t want you anymore, and you’ve already ended it with him.

he sounds like a Grade A twat, but I don’t blame him for not wanting to see and message you all the time. You dumped him. He doesn’t want to rekindle things. He’s moving on. You should too.

BirthdayRainbow · 04/07/2024 19:20

Pity party for one wastes time, achieves nothing , stops healing and growth.

Original poster
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 19:17

I've been ghosted by a colleague at work too gjis
week. Nothing untoward, we chatted a lot and then he suddenly went quiet and didn't reply to my last msg/stopped the convo.
I wasn't interested at all in that way, he's 9 years younger and has a gf, I enjoyed the friendship.
There's only so much ignoring and rejection one person can take.

OP posts:
Loloj · 04/07/2024 19:15

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 18:53

Why not just an explanation at least? I get he 'owes me nothing ' but ghosting is cruel. He was the one who last messaged me, sending me memes and stuff then just suddenly decided, oh actually I CBA with this.

Because he’s clearly not a very nice person OP and doesn’t have the guts to tell you straight. He’s been stringing you along knowing full well you would take him back at any time back at any time. He's probably been happy with the break up arrangement all along - having you as a back-up whilst he explored other options. Sorry to sound harsh but you really need to understand that it is over and you have had a lucky escape. Focus on you and building your confidence back up.

HowIrresponsible · 04/07/2024 19:15

8 months isn't that long. My sister has been trying to get a guy to leave his wife for her for 10 years.

Yes you read it correctly ten years.

I hope this doesn't go on that long.

Neininoonoo · 04/07/2024 19:13

A piece of advice I wish i could have given my younger self - if someone wants a future with you they’ll move mountains to make it happen. Relationships shouldn’t be hard work and a disappointment, the right one for you will be effortless and built on trust and respect, you should never have to ask and ask for someone to commit to you, the right one will want the same future with you.
Don’t settle for anything else! No games, no analysing text messages, no will he/wont he call, if he wants you he’ll call.
I wasted years of my life not knowing this, fighting for the wrong relationships, but now I’m in my forties and my eighth year with the love of my life!
I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this, break ups are hard, but you need to shut him out now as he’s done to you, and in a year i promise you’ll be like “what was i thinking?!”.

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