Ex appears to have ghosted me, I'm devastated

@UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing Thank you. It was a terribly tough time but I realised then how often as women we write ourselves off, esp if we feel we haven’t met milestones by a certain age. I realised we all have value no matter what and happiness is worth waiting for and believing in! Xx

You deserve someone who is completely sure they want a future with you. His behavior sounds vile, narcissistic, controlling, passive aggressive. It's not surprising that he disappeared so suddenly without any respect or thoughtfulness to how you would feel. Please don't waste any more of your time on him.

@Eggbert83 🙌 well done you, no doubts none of that was easy.
But you chose life and it chose you right back. 💐

Girl, I could have wrote this 10 years ago. Had spent a number of years with someone who dragged his feet on commitment, always making it my fault he wasn’t there yet as if only I did this, if only I did that, I’d be suitable to marry. This is emotional abuse and wears you down. If someone doesn’t consider you a long term partner for them they should end things, not try and control and change you. I was good with money but didn’t earn as much as him and as a result was also made to feel frivolous for having controlled debts or less savings. There was always a narrative he worked harder than me and I just made bad choice but this wasn’t true, I worked my backside off for the NHS! My choices in terms of my free time were also criticised. I was also made to feel uncultured etc (Jesus, is there an actual instruction book for these guys?!?)

I’m a really strong person and knew this treatment wasn’t right, like you seem to know, but it was hard to break free. He has told you for years you are the problem so no wonder you feel like you are and are having a wobble about whether being with him is safer than not, but this is what abuse and mistreatment does to you! I too was in my mid thirties and had times I thought that perhaps I was hasty in leaving as there’s so much pressure at that age, but I wasn’t. 2 years later I met the most wonderful man. He is now my husband and is so kind and supportive and would never criticise or judge me that way my ex did. I walked on egg shells around my ex but my husband is my biggest supporter. Stay strong - he wasn’t for you and that’s not your fault. If anything, he tried to break you and he didnt succeed - you dodge a bullet, believe me! This is your second chance, please know it’s for the best you got away from him and you do not need his validation. If he was that a boyfriend could you really see him being a good husband or father?!

Do you think he saw you leaving as his way out of commitment to you?

So he was still cool with you after because he still liked you being in his life, but still doesn’t want that commitment, so taking you back wasn’t going to be an option he wanted because he’d essentially already pushed you away. Maybe he thought he was getting the best of both worlds still being in contact? You in his life without any pressure of commitment?

The radio silence could be because he’s met someone new or because he’s decided that you’ll keep trying to get back with him and he doesn’t want that.

Honestly, he doesn’t sound like he treated you very well. And if he wasn’t making you feel like you were ‘the one’ then sounds like leaving was the right thing to do.

I think for your own sanity you have to accept that he doesn’t want to pick things back up and would never commit to you anyway. And move on with your life and find someone who wants the same things as you and treats you with more respect.

Absolutely this & I say this as someone who hardly ever blocks anyone! Just give yourself a bit of time to get over it, you honestly deserve & should expect better

Could you explain what you mean by saying he's ghosted you?

You say he messaged last and that that you swapped messages last night. That doesn't sound like ghosting?

What @MimitteAndElsaGoToSwitzerland said!

Block him and move on. It is perfectly normal to want commitment at 34 - so why on earth are you sabotaging yourself by still hanging round, trying to keep in contact with an ex?

If you want commitment you need to be looking for someone else. Not hanging on to the ghost of past exes (particularly this one, who sounds a negging dickhead)

I agree he has done you a favour. Maybe you continually trying to work things out so you can get back together has made him feel awkward as he obviously doesn't want that. And, although he has been a total kn*b, maybe he realises that you will never move on with him still in the picture?

He was controlling during your relationship and now he's trying to control you since it ended by ghosting you.
I predict that before too long, he will unblock you, mess with your emotions again then block you once more.
The best way to avoid this is to block him and move on.

Relationships are a bit like MN comments. Some people will not agree with you, some people will be rude to you, some people will seem lovely when they're not, and most people are just nice. Although in this situation, I think people are maybe straight talking when you're not ready for it because this is a sensitive issue for you.

You need to get your self esteem up. It doesn't matter whether some random person on MN thinks X or Y of you. And one man not being into you and being mean to you doesn't mean you're not a good or worthwhile person.

I know it's natural to take negative comments or a failed relationship to heart. But honestly, you need to rise above it. I'm certain there's plenty of good things about you and that doesn't change because someone else doesn't see it. You can't win everyone over. And some people aren't worth winning over.

Honestly, fuck this guy if he has been treating you like any less than you deserve.

I think that the pp suggestion of going dating might be risky.
Plough effort into other things which reminds you it's good to be alive.
Because you are vulnerable right now. You have emotional wounds which will attract aaalllll the wrong men... You could fall out of the frying pan into the fire very easily.
Not because you are weak but because you are human and your need for love is stronger than your self belief right now.
The time to date (for a good outcome) is when those things are in better balance

OP he has actually done the kindest thing to you (although not with kind intentions). If he had stayed in contact with you, he would've strung you along. This man is a narcissist, and a horrible individual. You deserve so much better.

@Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 There is nothing awful about leaving because you are not on the same page. It sounds like you made a decision and your original instincts were right but that doesn’t mean it’s not a hard road (made harder by the limbo you’ve been in).

As for ‘playing with his feelings’ from what you’ve said I think it’s your feelings that have been played. He sounds like he considered himself socially and intellectually superior to you and let you know. It sounds like he blew hot and cold and kept you dangling. It also sounds like the people around you who know you believe you did the right thing in leaving. I can totally understand why breaking up at your stage of life is hard because I did it too, but honestly commitment from someone with his attitude might not have been a fairytale ending, more like the beginning of a nightmare. Don’t you deserve better? Starting with someone who respects your values, and doesn’t want to change who you are.

Keep going, you WILL see that your decision to leave was the right one 💐

Not that he sounds like a catch from what you’ve described OP, but I agree with this advice.

Maybe he was struggling being friendly with you and decided to cut contact as it’s too hard for him. Maybe he’s met someone else. Maybe he’s just still behaving the way he’s behaved through your relationship.

You made the decision to break up with him for many reasons.

I don’t think you actually want him back deep down. You’re just scared of the unknown and being without what you’re used to.

Are they trying to make you feel bad? I haven't read those posts, but are you sure about that, or is that your critical voice talking?

Maybe they are trying to remind you that you made a clear decision and a severance of your contact was actually the original goal.

try this thought on for size
'yes, I did dump him, for good reason.
As much as I have a strong emotional attachment to this man, he could never make me happy because he did not champion me in any way that counted. Even though this is causing me pain I stand to gain more than I lost because a lifetime of his behaviour would leave me a hollow shell, thank god there are no kids involved. This is why some part of me found the courage to dump him. Thank goodness I decided to leave the relationship. I found it hard to truly close the door, I'm only human, but he has done me a favour. I did dump him, thank you for reminding me... and the consequences will free me.'

Don’t focus on that poster. You are ignoring all the replies that are telling you that your ex was abusing you. Believe it. I’ve been there and it only gets worse. He’s a narcissist and likes to be in control, that’s why he makes you feel bad with the insults, the criticisms about your cooking, your reading, your small debt. That’s also why he goes out all night and doesn’t tell you. He wants you to feel smaller and smaller, until you lose any sense of yourself. If you stayed you would be forever walking on eggshells and trying to please him. You have done the right thing by leaving. Be proud of yourself and move on. Narcissists are also charmers and can be lovely a lot of the time. They charm everyone else. But as time goes on, they show their bad traits more and more often. You have only been together for a short time, count yourself lucky that you have got out and please, I beg you, don’t apologise and don’t ask him to come back. You have NOTHING to apologise for.

He’s met someone else. Doesn’t need to be in contact with you any more. So he isn’t.

He sounds like a loser. Not sure why you’d even want him in your life.

He sounds awful- everything you have said about him says he is unpleasant and uncaring. I'm sure he's nice when you are wining and dining him.
You are the problem here. You left for good reason and now you are being pathetic and hanging around hoping he'll change. He won't. He has no intention of changing. He doesn't care.
Block him and force yourself to never look back at him again. Never contact him, never respond to contact from him. Never speak to him or meet up with him. You deserve better than being someone's third or fourth best option when he has nothing better to do. Stop deluding yourself.

I can't see anyone saying you left him for no reason op. Everyone's saying he sounds like a complete twat. You were right to leave him and he really isn't that into you. Time to move on from him.

He has a new bird.... she won't be having him texting the ex!

You say you had so many wonderful times together?,,, When? Your post says nothing about that. He sounds like a premium grade wanker you're well rid of.