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Original poster

Ex appears to have ghosted me, I'm devastated

413 replies

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 15:55

It was me who left. It was for various things, the first one being stalling on commitment.
The second was that he was quite critical of me, like I'd get a new haircut and he'd burst out laughing and say it looked like (insert X cartoon character)
Or he didn't like me using shop bought sauces so one time he deliberately hid the one I'd bought so I'd have to make a new one.
I felt like the cooking thing was a huge deal for him.
Our tenancy was ending soon and he seemed hesitant about us finding a new place to live.
Or on several occasions, he'd go out all night and not even tell me he'd gone out, I'd just come back to an empty flat.
He heavily berated me when he found out I had 1.5k of credit card debt, even though I was managing to pay it. He also told his parents something about my credit which I really didn't like.
I'm trying to justify why I left, but the main one was that I didn't feel I was his 'one" and that he was quite critical of me even though I did so much for him.
He really wanted me to be an avid reader. I do read, but I'm much more into non-fiction, I'm not massively into literature. I'm 'book-smart' I guess you could say, but I am just not someone who constantly reads novels sadly.

We stayed friends. We would still message all the time, he seemed upset at first but I wouldn't say he tried to win me back. I often felt I'd made a mistake, we had so many wonderful times together. We spent 5 hours together the other week.
I guess it was strange to still speak to your ex every day.. anyway, despite being the one to message me last, he's ghosted me. Just stopped reading and replying to my messages.
I am devastated.. I still regret the break up, we were together a long time. I'm 34 soon and I panicked.
But I didn't expect this. Everyone said I'd done the right thing leaving, but I still hoped we could work it out.

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 04/07/2024 18:03

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 17:57

There's also no law for anyone to stay in touch with any of you. Let's hope it doesn't happen to you.

You sound bitter. It's understandable. But you can't always have your own way and you have to accept it.

It's over.

kittensinthekitchen · 04/07/2024 18:02

You keep saying you wanted to sort it out. How?

You wanted a future with him. He didn't want one with you. How do you sort that?

Original poster
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 17:57

There's also no law for anyone to stay in touch with any of you. Let's hope it doesn't happen to you.

OP posts:
Ixoral · 04/07/2024 17:57

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 17:54

There's no law that says you must stop contact once you're no longer together. Plenty of people stay in touch.

And there’s no law to say people have to stay in touch if they don’t want to
and he now doesn’t want to.

waterrat · 04/07/2024 17:56

You are 34 - it isn't healthy to spend 8 months texting an ex. It's just not moving on.

there is a book that really helped me once - a long time ago!_ it was called 'it's called a break up because it's broken' - and there was a line I remember in it 'you won't find your new partner at your ex's house'

Mrsttcno1 · 04/07/2024 17:55

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 17:54

There's no law that says you must stop contact once you're no longer together. Plenty of people stay in touch.

Yep, but your ex doesn’t

waterrat · 04/07/2024 17:54

Oh Op - get some therapy and move on. He made you feel like crap and you rightly ended it. sadly because of your own insecurities you couldn't quite let go.

he has done you a favour you were wasting your time hanging around with him - move on!!!

Original poster
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 17:54

There's no law that says you must stop contact once you're no longer together. Plenty of people stay in touch.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 04/07/2024 17:53

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 17:50

That's fair enough, but he was also initiating a lot of it. Not just me and him replying.

Show quote history

Okay… and now he’s done replying. It is totally normal, someone has to be the one to stop contact after a break up and he has decided it will be him, he is moving on, you should do the same

Original poster
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 17:50

Mrsttcno1 · 04/07/2024 17:49

Exactly, and so after 8 months he has quite reasonably just had enough of it. It’s totally normal, it is not normal to continue daily communication with an ex when you’re not getting back together because he doesn’t want to

Show quote history

That's fair enough, but he was also initiating a lot of it. Not just me and him replying.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 04/07/2024 17:49

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 17:46

True, but we have both been texting continuously for 8 months after I left.

Show quote history

Exactly, and so after 8 months he has quite reasonably just had enough of it. It’s totally normal, it is not normal to continue daily communication with an ex when you’re not getting back together because he doesn’t want to

Emmylou22 · 04/07/2024 17:48

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:24

I'm not sure why just ghost now? I don't think he's met anyone, but I could be wrong. He was messaging me a lot on Monday and suddenly, poof.
Why after all this time?

This behaviour is designed to confuse you. To have you wondering what the hell is going on. And to have you hoping he'll deign to appear in your life again and make it all better. He's doing this to control you. Focus on why you ended it and focus on yourself. He's a piece of shit you're better off without.

Original poster
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 17:46

Mrsttcno1 · 04/07/2024 17:45

Why would he keep texting you OP? You’ve asked to work things out, he doesn’t want to, you’re not compatible and he may well just be finding the texting back and forth a bit tedious and unnecessary when you are separated and not getting back together. I wouldn’t call this ghosting, it’s just him moving on, you should do the same

True, but we have both been texting continuously for 8 months after I left.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 04/07/2024 17:45

Why would he keep texting you OP? You’ve asked to work things out, he doesn’t want to, you’re not compatible and he may well just be finding the texting back and forth a bit tedious and unnecessary when you are separated and not getting back together. I wouldn’t call this ghosting, it’s just him moving on, you should do the same

diddl · 04/07/2024 17:43

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 17:30

People saying it was too painful for him to stay friends, I would completely understand, but I wanted us to sort things out/get back together, and he didn't. He refused that a couple of times.

And he didn't want to work things out & he doesn't have to just because you do/did!

Nor does he have to stay in touch!

This might be game playing on his part but the relationship is over now & he owes you nothing.

Eggbert83 · 04/07/2024 17:43

duende · 04/07/2024 17:35

You must be reading different responses to me here.
90% of posters have told you this guy was an abusive arsehole and you were right to leave him. Nothing you have said about him makes him sound like a nice human being.

The relationship sounds toxic, yet you kept asking him to “sort things out”, and he was not interested.

You have ignored all posters telling you he is a bully. Why?

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100% this. OP you are so hurt and so bruised you cannot stop internalising that this was your fault. It was not. In leaving you did the right thing. You valued yourself and your happiness and you were right - and there is huge support for you here. It is always darkest before the dawn. You will be ok. Would you rather survive on crumbs forever or wait for the whole loaf? Sounds like you are just grieving right now and panicking about the future but what he was offering wasnt good enough and you are giving yourself the best possible chance now for something better to come along but it won’t do overnight. There is no instant gratification here because although you no longer have to put up with his shit it’ll take a long time before the hurt heals. But just it feels scary does not mean you made the wrong decision

Ixoral · 04/07/2024 17:41

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 17:30

People saying it was too painful for him to stay friends, I would completely understand, but I wanted us to sort things out/get back together, and he didn't. He refused that a couple of times.

He doesn’t want to sort things out/get back together.
Sounds like the only way to stop you doing any of this is to stop contact with you altogether.

You deserve to be treated much better than he ever could or wants to.
You deserve someone who loves and respects you for who you are.

qazxc · 04/07/2024 17:38

I understand that it may be hurtful but, in the end it, may the best thing for you. You deserve someone that is fully invested. He can't give you that/ is unsure. Continuing contact is holding both of you from moving on. This clean break allows you to do this.

Skyrainlight · 04/07/2024 17:37

I think he has done you a favour, he sounds awful.

Catopia · 04/07/2024 17:36

Lifechanging12 · 04/07/2024 15:59

I think that he did the right thing. It would hurt me too much if my partner broke up with me, stayed friends but then gave me mixed signals. I think blocking you was the right thing to do on his part. He’s making the first step to moving on.

I think you should do the same. You even admitted he wasn’t the one, I think it sounds a bit like you didn’t want to be with him but are panicking because you don’t know how to be without him.

I agree with this. I had an ex (who I left because he cheated on me) who kept calling me for a chat in the evenings and messaging me months after we broke up. I had to block him, it was preventing me from healing and getting the unexpected unsolicited contact from him was really disturbing me. If I picked up the phone it was almost impossible to extricate myself from a love-bombing conversation I didn't want to have in the first place.

TheLastTimeEver · 04/07/2024 17:36

UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing · 04/07/2024 17:11

Are they trying to make you feel bad? I haven't read those posts, but are you sure about that, or is that your critical voice talking?

Maybe they are trying to remind you that you made a clear decision and a severance of your contact was actually the original goal.

try this thought on for size
'yes, I did dump him, for good reason.
As much as I have a strong emotional attachment to this man, he could never make me happy because he did not champion me in any way that counted. Even though this is causing me pain I stand to gain more than I lost because a lifetime of his behaviour would leave me a hollow shell, thank god there are no kids involved. This is why some part of me found the courage to dump him. Thank goodness I decided to leave the relationship. I found it hard to truly close the door, I'm only human, but he has done me a favour. I did dump him, thank you for reminding me... and the consequences will free me.'

Edited
Show quote history

This!

You've not done anything wrong @Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 - except perhaps delayed ripping the plaster off by going no contact.

Essentially by both remaining in significant contact and doing things like spending 5 hours together you were both hanging on to the vestiges of your relationship. That doesn’t serve either of you - but in your case I can see why you did it.

He may pick up contact again. From your description control seems a major thing with this bloke. Don’t let him control your healing from this break up. Essentially, unfortunately you need to sit with the hard painful feelings as you didn’t properly do this when you broke up. Don’t waste your time with “why” or closure. A fools errand. People can never have a true understanding of someone else’s motivations for things - only what they’d have us believe.

He wasn’t for you. But someone else, better, will be.

amusedbush · 04/07/2024 17:35

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 17:30

People saying it was too painful for him to stay friends, I would completely understand, but I wanted us to sort things out/get back together, and he didn't. He refused that a couple of times.

OP, you’re fixating on this rose tinted view of him and completely ignoring the vast majority of posters telling you that your ex sounds like a complete arsehole.

I remember previous threads/posts about him (the cooking from scratch and hiding the sauce story is very familiar) and it absolutely sounds like you have dodged a bullet. He sounds bloody awful.

duende · 04/07/2024 17:35

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:31

Yes, ok, I left. I'm awful, I get it.
I left because as I've said, he didn't want to commit to me as his lifelong partner. I wasn't his one. So he rejected me too. I'm not trying to justify it, but he told me something was missing.
Since then, I've tried to sort things out around 3 times.
I'm not 'playing with his feelings ' dangling him on a string or anything.

You must be reading different responses to me here.
90% of posters have told you this guy was an abusive arsehole and you were right to leave him. Nothing you have said about him makes him sound like a nice human being.

The relationship sounds toxic, yet you kept asking him to “sort things out”, and he was not interested.

You have ignored all posters telling you he is a bully. Why?

UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing · 04/07/2024 17:34

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 17:30

People saying it was too painful for him to stay friends, I would completely understand, but I wanted us to sort things out/get back together, and he didn't. He refused that a couple of times.

Yes.
I hear that. You really wanted to make it work and would have supported the necessary personality transplant required for him to deliver this. You put it all on a plate and still he didn't take you up on that.
Total rejection.

That's gotta hurt... If you value his opinion... Which you really really really do (right now).

But honestly, it's seriously over valued and like a stock market crash it's due a come down.

Scorchio84 · 04/07/2024 17:33

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 17:30

People saying it was too painful for him to stay friends, I would completely understand, but I wanted us to sort things out/get back together, and he didn't. He refused that a couple of times.

well that's all you need to know isn't it? Please just let him go, you're only prolonging the pain