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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friendship one

28 replies

Bamboozler · 04/07/2024 14:26

I have a best friend of almost 30 years. Been through thick and thin together. About 15 years ago another person from our friendship group (let’s call her N) decided she didn’t like me and that I was manipulative. This coincided with my dating a guy from the friendship group that she was close to but not romantically involved with. (This guy and I have now been married for 10 years). N initially tried to break us up but when she failed, she went on a smear campaign against me and then became extremely friendly with my best friend.
My best friend and I remained friends but it hasn’t been the same since. Her and N have been holidaying etc together while I’ve been home raising DC. Recently, after being home for a decade with the kids, my husband and I got back in touch with the friendship group. We felt like “going out” again. They were all happy about it except N who made a huge deal of it and has flounced off the group WhatsApp and generally been complaining to the others - which is embarrassing for myself and my husband and probably everyone else. I literally haven’t spoken to N in over a decade. The problem is she has ramped up the propaganda to my best friend who is now eying me with suspicion - even though I’ve done absolutely nothing to warrant any of it. I feel like cutting off my friend because of this but I really don’t want to because I value her a lot. I don’t want N anywhere near me however and she is sort of getting access to me through my friend. Also I don’t know how viable it is to have a friend who spends a lot of time with somebody who irrationally hates me. I’ve tried saying this to my friend but she clams up whenever I broach the subject. So, AIBU to distance myself from said friend as there seems to be no resolution to the drama from N? Or should I just say nothing and carry on? Talking about it isn’t an option apparently.

OP posts:
ShortColdandGrey · 04/07/2024 14:35

So N was interested in your now husband and hasn't gotten over the fact that he does not feel the same way in 10 years. FFS how hold is she? she sounds batshit. Sorry to say but your best friend is no longer your best friend and I would suggest you let her go. She has known you for 30 years but is believing the lies N is saying about you.

Lifeislikeaboxofmatches · 04/07/2024 14:35

I think you've got your answer already

If your bestie was really your bestie, there'd be nothing N could say or do to come between you

Sidenote; N sounds like a right loser, still butt-hurt after a decade? How sad and petty

Tagyoureit · 04/07/2024 14:36

These 2 women are bringing nothing positive to your life, cut them out, you don't owe them anything

Oldcroneandthreewitches · 04/07/2024 14:41

If she was your best mate she wouldn’t have entertained her years ago.

Shr isn’t your best mate.

AppleCream · 04/07/2024 14:41

You call her your best friend, but honestly it doesn't sound like you are best friends any more. You have drifted apart and she is closer to N now. I think you can either ignore them both and focus on the other members of the group or distance yourself from everyone. But staying close to your ex best friend doesn't seem a likely outcome in this scenario.

Planesmistakenforstars · 04/07/2024 14:42

Yes, distance yourself from this friend. Why would you want to be friends with someone who you know is listening to poison about you behind your back and at minimum nodding along, and certainly not sticking up for you or having your back? Sure, you might enjoy going for the odd drink with this person, but she is not a friend to you. You are putting a lot of emotional effort and time into this, put it instead into making new and better friends. You sound kind and thoughtful OP, lots of people would like to have a friend like you, so put yourself out there and find them.

Original poster
Bamboozler · 04/07/2024 14:45

Thank you for your kind replies. I do think my best friend cares about me and I don’t think she lets N badmouth me but I think she is slightly afraid of N - who is very loud. I’m very quiet comparatively. It’s a shame to lose her, after such a long time, over something like this. However she refuses to talk about it so I can’t resolve it. You are right, by the way, N is batshit crazy. I suspect she is accepted by people because she is sort of “the life and soul of the party”. It’s all a bit disappointing. Thank you again.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 04/07/2024 14:46

I know my BFF has my back (and I hers).

If she is eying me with suspicion and talking about it isn’t an option apparently then* *she's not a friend.

Original poster
Bamboozler · 04/07/2024 14:47

Mothership4two · 04/07/2024 14:46

I know my BFF has my back (and I hers).

If she is eying me with suspicion and talking about it isn’t an option apparently then* *she's not a friend.

This is sad but reading it back perhaps it’s true.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 04/07/2024 14:52

Honestly OP, why would your best friend become friendly with someone who started a "smear campaign" against you? A true friend would have called her out at the time and wouldn't want to be on friendly terms with someone who would do that to you.

Original poster
Bamboozler · 04/07/2024 14:57

She said she told N not to bad mouth me in front of her and has tried to reason with N (that I’m not a bad person at all). But I think she gets more social value from N - nights out, parties etc. whereas I’ve been busy with DC (no babysitter) for years. I’m more boring but… probably more durable. It’s really interesting to hear your perspectives. I never know if I’m too sensitive or not.😀

OP posts:
BleachedJumper · 04/07/2024 15:04

How old are the people involved?

Original poster
Bamboozler · 04/07/2024 15:14

BleachedJumper · 04/07/2024 15:04

How old are the people involved?

Can you believe in our 40’s? I know it’s embarrassing. That’s why I’m inclined to say nothing, even though I’m feeling a bit resentful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bamboozler · 04/07/2024 15:24

I don’t like drama. I think I need to reflect on what my friendship with my friend actually is in the present day - as opposed to how we were years ago. Boundaries and all of that. I think it’s knocked my self esteem. It’s always a shock when somebody is still acting like an a-hole even though they’re middle aged.

OP posts:
JurassicClark · 04/07/2024 15:30

Unlike other posters, I don't think you need to choose. Your friendship with your longstanding friend has nothing to do with her friendship with N.

I have friends who really dislike each other; I just see them separately, I also have friends who spend time with someone who really can't stand me - I don't mind, I am never going to be everyone's cup of tea and it's not my job to police people's friendships.

Don't get sucked into drama. It's childish and it never accomplishes anything. Spend time with the people you like nan who like you; don't worry about those who don't.

Bamboozler · 04/07/2024 15:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CollyBobble · 04/07/2024 16:49

This N person hates you so it's always going to be a problem with your friend being her chum.

I also think you announcing you want to be part of a friendship group again after a decade is rude and bound to stir up trouble and I expect they whilst some may have acted liked they were pleased, there will be a lot of bitching going on as they remembered last time when you and N were at loggerheads.

Drop the lot of them.

Original poster
Bamboozler · 04/07/2024 16:51

No.

OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 04/07/2024 16:53

Get new friends. You’ll feel so much better

Original poster
Bamboozler · 04/07/2024 16:57

Most of the friendship group don’t like N actually. She’s very dramatic and unlikable. I think they’re relieved she’s flounced off. Anyway, I know what’s going on. Sorted now. Thank you for your replies.

OP posts:
Liripipe · 04/07/2024 16:59

JurassicClark · 04/07/2024 15:30

Unlike other posters, I don't think you need to choose. Your friendship with your longstanding friend has nothing to do with her friendship with N.

I have friends who really dislike each other; I just see them separately, I also have friends who spend time with someone who really can't stand me - I don't mind, I am never going to be everyone's cup of tea and it's not my job to police people's friendships.

Don't get sucked into drama. It's childish and it never accomplishes anything. Spend time with the people you like nan who like you; don't worry about those who don't.

Agree, though I also agree to an extent with @CollyBobble that deciding to reconnect with a friendship group after ten years because you 'feel like going out again' is both very optimistic of you and not necessarily likely to make you universally popular with the group, which will have moved on without you -- I will be honest and say I would be very impatient with the whole 'we need to organise separate night outs for @Bamboozler and her DH' thing.

From your POV, sure, N is a spiteful troublemaker who hasn't got over losing your husband to you, 15 years back -- but presumably from everyone else's POV, she's a core member of the group for 15 years, whereas you and your husband vanished for 10 and have only just come back. Suddenly there are these 'separate nights out', which must be a total pain for all involved. You think you're blameless in this, and that N is the flouncer, badmouther etc, but I wouldn't be entirely sure the group is likely to share this view...? Isn't it just as likely that other people are saying 'God, suddenly we're having to split into separate occasions because @Bamboozler and her DH have just waltzed back in and caused disruption'?

Original poster
Bamboozler · 04/07/2024 17:04

I think we’re well liked. Thank you for the input though.

OP posts:
Liripipe · 04/07/2024 17:07

Bamboozler · 04/07/2024 17:04

I think we’re well liked. Thank you for the input though.

Oh, I'm sure you are. But if you've not really been active in the group socially in a decade, and you say that N is also a lively, life and soul of the party person, and she's been a core member of the group, as I understand it, all the time you were gone, that can change the dynamic.

For one thing, who originated the idea of the separate nights out to keep you and N apart?

Original poster
Bamboozler · 04/07/2024 17:10

The idea came from the other members of the group. With the greatest of respect, I was posting about my relationship with my friend - not the group.Thank you again for your response.

OP posts:
Liripipe · 04/07/2024 17:20

Bamboozler · 04/07/2024 17:10

The idea came from the other members of the group. With the greatest of respect, I was posting about my relationship with my friend - not the group.Thank you again for your response.

But isn't the group dynamic relevant if your best friend is now 'eyeing you with suspicion'? She presumably encounters N and her attitude to you in the context of group activities as well as individually. With regard to the separate nights out, did everyone go on both nights out, apart from you/your DH and N?