AIBU to not want to look after DSD anymore...

YANBU. But I do feel sorry for her, her parents and her step dad have all opted out.

OP, sorry but you have been taken for some mug by all the adults connected to this child, especially your husband.

I think HE needs to sort her behaviour out or she should leave.

It is your home, so you don't leave until it suits you.

She is 17, she knows well how to behave, I have a daughter that age.

Do not tolerate this.
I cannot believe that you both have allowed her mother commit benefit fraud for years.
Please report this.

I disagree with some of these posts that she's "nothing to do with you". Unfortunately due to both her parents being useless, you've assumed something of a parental role to her and sounds like you're the only decent parent she's got. It's a bit unfair to her to ditch her now for what sounds like fairly usual challenging teenage behaviour. It isn't her fault that the other adults in her life are completely useless and her care ended up being divided this way.

I would behave like you are in truth her parent, put a rocket under her arse and make it clear that certain behaviour will not be tolerated or there will be consequences - wifi turned off etc. And make it clear to her that she'll be 18 soon and so it's always open to her to ship out somewhere else if she thinks she can get a better deal there.

Hopefully you've not got long left of this, but if you can bear to stick it out for a year or so more, it might make a big difference to her.

Wild isn’t it? Out of the 4 situations where the dad was the resident parent, the mother didn’t pay any maintenance in all 4 cases despite working, for some reason the dads never pursued it.

In DH’s case when he was the RP his ex had SD 2 nights a fortnight, paid no maintenance AND claimed the all the child benefit. She earned double than him think £25k/£50k

She is now RP since she married and stopped working. Shes persuaded SD that DH is a deadbeat dad as he doesn’t pay enough for her (or so she says) the ironic thing is she’s the only person in picture that has never contributed a penny towards her daughter

She is now becoming increasingly difficult, refusing to keep room tidy, breaking items, leaving front door open when going out, not bringing pots down, not attending family social events, and basically not doing ANYTHING for herself. Think "If I don't bother someone else will do it for me". No, she isn't depressed, she is more than happy to do things with other people, but is treating our house with no respect.

A lot of that is normal teenager behaviour even if it is difficult.
Apart from leaving the front door open and breaking items.

She is constantly refusing to do social things with us and DH's family, but will go out with her bio-mum to events, which makes DHs family feel awful as they have been in her life for 17 years.

She's allowed to not go to social events. This is something that hurts a lot of adults but it's not bad behavior, most of them come back around and enjoy the family time again after. Of course in your situation she's seeing the bio-mum for events so you're comparing and taking it personally, but that's a you (and DHs family issue), not an issue with the DSD.

This. You need to notify the LA, particularly if the placement is at risk of breaking down.

If she does go to uni guess who will be funding her.

Will she be going to uni at 18? Is it a short term problem? Lots of complicated factors, but she just sounds like a bolshy teenager. She'll grow out of it, probably!

This is such a horrible attitude - she may not be his biological daughter but he has been her father figure since she was one. The age of 17 is exactly when she will be questioning her parental relationships, pushing boundaries etc - just the worst possible and cruelest attitude would be to pull the rug out from under her and say “he’s not even your real dad”. It would be completely immoral to play dad since a child is one and then abandon the relationship when she becomes a difficult teenager.

OP should put aside the issue of her not being bio daughter and just approach it exactly like she would if he was her “real” daughter.

Which means you don’t kick a 17 year old out of home for having a messy room and not wanting to attend family events - you work through it and ensure her dad is doing his fair share.

It’s very possible that the daughter has sensed this attitude of her not being a “real” daughter and this explains her withdrawing to her firmly biological family. The solution would be more stability, more reassurance that she will be loved no matter what and that this family is her real family too.

I think your words are what's bizarre. Why would you say DSD is nothing to the OP?

DH (the only father she's ever known) has been in her life since birth. Whether or not he legally adopted her, she is his daughter.

That didn't end with the relationship; he may not have given her his DNA, but she's still his child.

Which means OP is her DSM. She has been since they married, when DSD was 8. The parents shared custody until 2 years ago, so she was helping to raise her stepchild. That what parents and stepparents do.

Which is why I'm astounded at the people saying she's no one to the OP! What is wrong with some of you, negating the relationship and telling her DSM to kick her out or to leave?

Yes, I see that her behavior isn't great right now, but this same scenario plays out in families everywhere. She needs to have consequences that matter to her, and a family discussion about respecting one another. If she won't follow the house rules, she needs to know what she stands to lose.

OP, do pick your battles. She keeps her door closed, and no food or drink leftovers or dishes in the room. And her sheets are to be washed every x number of weeks.
This way there's no bugs and that area of the house doesn't smell bad.

Communal areas must be kept clean, and she absolutely can't continue to leave the house unlocked.

Let her make decisions independently when it's practical. She needs to realize she is the one who's going to be be responsible for herself; treat her respectfully and hold her to commitments.

You and DH need to agree on guidelines before talking to her, and stick by them. If she doesn't want to live by House Rules, then maybe you all need to go back to shared custody. Maybe a few weekdays with her bio mum, 1 or 2 with you, and weekends with her dad taking charge?

She needs to be responsible and respectful, and you need to let yourself love her again.

A lot of teens go through this stage.

If they are yours you have to grin and bear it and work towards improving their behaviour.

Not only is she not yours she isn't your DH's either.

I'd sit down with your dh first and say that it's not on, she's going through a difficult stage and if he wants to parent her he needs to parent her which means him doing it not you.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I'm amazed that you felt you had to ask. Your DP and his ex are both taking the piss. I would be issuing ultimatums TODAY.

It sounds like it’s her mother who is behaving badly. At the very least she should be providing some financial support.

The girl may be acting up and being difficult, but she needs support.

The baseline is that he is her dad and parent. He's been there since day 1. He maintained joint custody (50%) and she now lives with him and his new partner. Pretending 17 years of being her dad is not real because there is no legal documentation is cruel beyond measure. To wash his hands when she's a stroppy teen would be devastating for her. Another adult she can't count on.

The real issue is that he dumps primary care on you. This is what you need to sit down and discuss with him. This isn't a 'it's her or me' moment. This is a 'you need to be here to raise the daughter you committed to or I'm out of here' speech.

Wow, saint @spottedinthewild - you've been extremely supportive and she's being a brat - she needs a bit of shock therapy to realise she's actually not the Queen of Sheba

All you need to do is print off the child benefit form send it in and they process it. Takes about 6 weeks, also you could have claimed cms from both parents as a person with care. You’ve been screwed over!

I can’t believe you even started this in the first place!! But of course you’re not unreasonable, you’re an actual bloody saint!

OP, you're a saint.

Think of the weight off your shoulders when this is resolved.
She will have to go back to her mother's place, and you won't have to deal with her anymore.

You'll feel brand new.

She has a mother that can house her, they've both been taking the piss.

YANBU.

I came on expecting to say you were being unreasonable but clearly not. You are looking after someone else's child which is putting you at a financial loss and that child (or actually young adult) is treating you and tour partner awfully. You have to set clear boundaries and limits of what you expect with her living with you and if she doesn't adhere to them she needs to go back to the mum, if your partner doesn't back you up then you need to stay somewhere else and he can sort her. I hope things improve for you. And try to remind yourself teenagers can be pretty rotten, and often to those they like the most as they feel safe with them!