Can't cope with neighbour noise

I think some people are just loud and entitled, and of the view that just because “there is no rule about it”, “they are allowed to”, or “there is nothing to stop them” they don’t need to consider other people.

Most of our neighbours are lovely and considerate. The usual noises of kids playing (and being told to be more considerate if they start shrieking), normal volume conversations outside, music/tv volume lowered if the doors or windows are open.

Then there is that one neighbour. Booming voice. Patio doors open with the music turned up so he can work out to it outside. Kids screaming ant each other and he just raises his voice over them. Most recently he has trained his dog to bark, and also bought whistles for his kids. I genuinely think it doesn’t even occur to them how much louder they are than everyone else. Even when they are talking at “normal volume” for them, I can hear them over a block away (if they are at the park).

I sympathise totally OP.
I am about to sell up and move to a more rural location for this reason.

I sympathise with you, I lived in a terrace. It was awful. Walls like paper could hear everything. Had noise both sides and couldn't enjoy the garden as kids constantly screaming .

Like you said, there is no getting away from it. In the end, I moved. I hadn't lived there a whole year. The best thing I did is that I now live in a semi-detached and only have 1 neighbour.

Just some solidarity from me. And maybe a cautionary tale.

I lived in a terrace. I love quiet and peace but financially I couldn’t afford anything detached and thought an older solid house would be better insulated than a paper thin new build. How I was wrong! My neighbour was a SAHM who had school age kids. The minute they went to school, she had the radio booming from 9.15am to 3pm every day. Then after 3 the kids picked up the pace with their own sounds. The walls were so thin I could hear conversations. We looked into soundproofing but part of the noise leakage was via shared chimney breasts so we were advised it was pointless. She then moved one of her radios to the windowsill right by the kitchen door, and had the kitchen door open all day for her pets. Her door and mine were opposite across a tiny yard - maybe 8ft apart. And I listened to that crap for 8 months of the year, day in and day out, through the walls, through the garden, inescapable. Frazzled with a newborn, I did eventually ask super politely if she realised how it was quite intrusive. BAD mistake. It led to louder music, music she would leave on deliberately when she was out, then dinner parties with music until 3am. It got worse and worse. We moved.

it consumes you and I’m sorry you are having to go through this. I really can’t suggest anything other than living elsewhere.

A sudden idea @Stripeysuitcase, in case you love the area and don't want to/can't move.

Could you possibly change the way you use the rooms in your house, so your sitting room is upstairs so further away from the noise during the day, and then your bedroom isn't next to the kids' bedrooms at night/early morning?

I'm just looking at houses for sale and found one which is "upside down" to make the most of the views, and that's what made me think of it...

I'm sorry I disagree. I don't think people without children should be quiet, but I do think theres a difference between noise you can control and noise that is part of every day life.
I like watching films at home, if it's in the daytime I'll have the audio through speakers, if it's nighttime it'll be through headphones, it's not hard.
If the children were playing basketball or had baby shark on repeat then it'd be reasonable to bring it up, but nothing the OP has described is unreasonable.

It's just different tolerance levels isn't it op. But that still doesn't mean it's easy.

I don't think there's much she can do in a terraced home with two very young children to manage the noise.

Do you wfh or is there another reason why you have to be there all the time? I'm thinking if you have the chance to do it could you go somewhere else during the day, maybe to a beach or forest or somewhere that's quieter? Maybe a lesser used coffee shop or library? Presumably this is mainly daytime noise as the kids are likely in bed by the early evening? So I'm thinking that filling your time during the day when they're at home is probably your best approach?

A way to approach this is to start with yourself in the conversation.

So for example, pretend you're going to have some friends round and say "hey neighbour I'm having some friends round on the 15th. I know that my noise has bothered you in the past so wanted to check in with you if there was anything we can do to mitigate the impact.

Then continue to talk and say "yes these terraced houses are difficult because the noise travels so easily and our gardens are so small. I do hear you all the time and Im sure you hear us! Actually now that we're talking, maybe we should try to have a quiet hour or some mutual rules so we don't disturb each other outside core hours. What do you think?"

This way you're letting them know it's audible for you but coming from the angle that you must be annoying them (which ofc you aren't)

OP, I feel your pain. I had to move to get away from a noisy neighbour. When I say move I mean I had bought my forever home, had spent years renovating it and many many £££'s to get it to be the perfect home. It was detached with a large garden as well. A neighbour moved in during that time and made our lives hell, he installed swimming pools, pool house, Jacuzzi etc, had loud parties all through lockdown and it was unbearable. We had many conversations and rows but in the end he and his family were just very loud and very entitled.

We sold in the end as I can honestly say I nearly had a nervous breakdown so I can totally understand how you feel. Funnily enough the house is up for sale again just two years later so I imagine they are doing the same to the new owners.

I don't think you will resolve it personally - she "may" be quiet for a little while but people like that just don't care. I would say the only option you would have is to move. I tried all the noise cancelling headphones and white noise machines but I could hear them ALL the time, even when the TV was on.

And if you have no kids or live on your own and listen to music your not allowed to make as much noise are you it's pretty unfair to those people who don't live with others who might enjoy listening to music etc that have the volume of noise limited but if it's people.its OK to be as loud as you like even it's impacting other people's enjoyment of their home.

This. I really wouldn't tell a mother of two young children to quite down it won't go well.

The door open is the norm here also. It sounds unfortunately you are particularly noise sensitive so maybe explore resources to address thAt?

I really feel for you OP. I too am neuro diverse and struggle with day to day noise and the mental disruption of having neighbours. Our house is detached and yet I am still affected by others around me so it's not necessarily a solution to things as the houses may be detached but are still very close in proximity to the houses next door. We are in the process of selling our house and moving somewhere rural and more secluded, hopefully without another neighbour in sight. I've come to the conclusion that it's the only way that I can live and not be affected negatively by other people, even if they're not doing anything wrong so to speak. I understand that you may not be in a position to do the same and I don't really have any advice as like you I am the type of person who doesn't like to upset others so I'd probably be too scared to say anything to the neighbours in question, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. What I would give to be the type of person who just gets on with things and isn't bothered but I can't control how I am. I hope things improve for you soon. If I were you I would move but I appreciate it isn't always that easy and you my find similar problems elsewhere.

I understand the feeling OP, but what do you expect to say to them? It's not that they're playing music, or bouncing balls against a shared wall. You've described a baby crying, a toddler shouting, and a parent talking to their child.

My SIL and her kids are loud, so loud that I sometimes flinch. I'm naturally very quiet. But it's just how they are. Telling her to be quiet would be as difficult for her as someone telling me that I needed to raise my voice, or be more outgoing.

What time does the noise start and finish? Is it above and beyond normal noise. I live in a terrace and have brought my kids up in one. My neighbours have young children and yes we occasionally hear one another but it's not all day, every day which is what is making me ask.

I often go weeks without hearing any noise from next door and I've lived in a couple of terraces which have pretty much been the same as this one

Does anyone else live with you or a friend who can visit to judge if it is beyond normal realms or just normal every day noise to be expected just to see whether it's you who needs to make adjustments?

Op I say this kindly, but making 'more noise than they need to' isn't a good enough reason to tell them to be quiet.

She's allowed to make noise as a family. She's allowed to be an extrovert. She's allowed to have noisy children. She's allowed to have the van back door open.

This is something that you need to find a way to manage, and there are options for doing so.

I have neighbours like you to, if they hear me they start getting extra loud, naging doors, shouting etc. It's deliberately.

Funny cos sometimes wheb they don't realise I'm at home how quiet they are even in the garden it's like they suddenly found their normal voices! I can't even hear them in my house whereas I would hear every word of every conversation.

100% they can lower the noise to be more reasonable.question is will they or are they the type you can't go over and have a friendly chat with as it will make it worse.

Can you afford to do any sound proofing? Triple glazed windows, or wall insulation can help. Even if you can just do one room to have a sanctuary. It sounds very unlikely that the external noise will reduce, so looking to place a barrier between you and it seems.like your best bet.

I assume moving is out of the question, as if you could have afforded more separate space, you probably would be in a terrace to begin with.

As @MatildaTheCat says, there is a good chance they don't realise how much noise they are making. My neighbours walking around above my bedroom when they came in from work late (hospitality) and I was already in bed was a nightmare, until I found the courage to mention it; they decided to take their shoes off as soon as they got in and the problem was solved...they just hadn't realised. I related this story to a friend whose toddler was scampering about at 5am, and she hadn't realised that her downstairs neighbours were being driven crazy by it - on the basis that he was only small and barefoot. So she took him into the lounge rather than stay in the bedroom - and harmony was restored!

It is always nerve-wracking having these conversations, as you don't want to risk making things worse...but as it sounds like you are at the end of your tether @Stripeysuitcase (and I do get it, I am very affected by noise), so it's got to be worth a try...and if you phrase it as you have done in your post ie you know it's all normal noise but...then hopefully they will respond nicely. If it's easier, could you write to them like you have done here, would that be easier than trying to say it to them face-to-face and things accidentally going awry?

I do need a way of talking to them

Why, though? You acknowledge they're not doing anything wrong so what do you hope to achieve by having a conversation?

They can't stop their baby and toddler from making noise altogether and they certainly can't do much to control when it happens - that's just the nature of small children.

I don't even have kids but honestly, what exactly do you want them to do?

This is the nature of terraced housing unfortunately - they're not doing anything wrong by making normal day to day noise in their own property.

I'm neurodiverse too (autistic) and also struggle with noise but ultimately that's my issue to deal with, I can't expect total strangers to change how they live to accommodate me.

I assume you've tried earplugs or noise cancelling headphones?

I sympathise, being a naturally quiet person (and also ND with some sensory issues) it can be hard to live alongside people who are naturally loud. I don't think it's something you can ask them to change though. And living in a detached property would be the dream but not affordable for most of us!

I use wireless earbuds with noise cancelling a lot of the time, and if I'm really struggling, a white noise machine. Have you tried anything similar? I've actually started using the noise cancelling in day to day life (eg commuting, supermarket) and it's really helped me relax, even though I wouldn't have said that they were problems for me before.