Can't cope with neighbour noise

I understand how you are feeling I still have anxiety due to past noisy neighbours but mine were party lovers and druggies so a completely different type of noise. But nevertheless If it affects you it does, doesn't matter how others cope. I can imagine I would get sick of it being constant.

There are a few videos on YouTube coping with neighbour noise etc that may help. I'm even looking into therapy as I think I have ptsd still from it all.

You could move but do it with caution as you may end up fixating on other noise. Unless you can do what I've ended up doing and go detached, but you can't control outside noise.

Certain noises can sometimes trigger me so it's not a case of getting over it (dont think you can) but it's trying to cope with it (and that's not easy). I use to get rage and want to run, and that's called fight or flight mode, the knots in my stomach use to make me sick. Dreaded even going home.

I find that fans create white noise so it doesn't sound as loud, I find it soothing and I always put mine on to help me sleep too just a little tip. Rain apps etc are amazing also lots of white noise videos on YouTube !

I do sympathise OP. I have very loud neighbours. They don't seem to be able to do anything within the normal realm of noise.

Everything has to be accompanied by music. So every summer's day in the garden is ruined due to BAD music being played loudly and even worse, the accompanying singing. I think someone told my neighbour she had a good voice so she likes to share it. It's awful!

Then let's not forget the shouting, swearing, door slamming and motorbike revving... all the time... It's absolutely heaven when they go away. Too bad they don't go more!

I understand OP I’m in a similar situation.

I live in a rural quiet area with only a couple of houses as neighbours but they are very close together.
When I applied to rent through the agency I was told they only rented to quiet working professional people and there was a clause about noise and respecting the neighbours, I had 10 years of harmony and the property is also very well sound proofed.

During Covid they rented a two bedroom property to a couple who said they only had his kids every other weekend for two nights but it was a lie. They actually have the 3 kids 50/50 and all 3 are in the bedroom right next to mine.

I’m also neurodivergent and feel exactly like you, it’s making me seriously depressed and although I understand families make noise I think the noise my neighbours make is excessive. The kids run round shouting and arguing, one of the kids is a girl of about 7/8 who lets out high pitched screams, doors bang, the parents argue constantly with each other or shout at the kids and the dad screams at the top of his lungs when football is on and bangs his hands or feet against the wall. They also constantly sit outside and their door is next to mine, Every time I have anyone to visit they comment on how bad it is and when I went on holiday I had a cat sitter come and she was upset hearing the shouting and arguing between the couple and said she couldn’t live with it.

They also get aggressive if I make any noise and I spend the majority of time with my AirPods in listening to audiobooks and creeping about scared to make a sound. It’s a bit different for me because the man is very nasty and has been threatening so I’m actually scared of him and I feel can’t say anything without making it worse.

I don’t want to move because there is nothing really available in my area. My friend has been looking for somewhere for months and says dozens of people apply for any property that comes up. Everywhere is expensive and I’m lucky that my rent is cheap, it’s a beautiful area, the rest of the neighbours are nice and it’s a long term rental and owned by an agency not a private landlord. Any issues are dealt with straight away and before they moved in it was perfect. I was expecting them to move soon as the kids are getting older and I can’t see how it’s practical for them and they were talking about buying somewhere. I’m losing hope as the years go by though…

Can you write a letter? You could explain that you understand that families with kids make noise and you are aware that it’s not classed as unreasonable but describe the impact it’s having? Keep it as nice as possible and try to word it so it works both ways. Explain that you do everything to keep your own noise down and the main problem is vicinity and noise proofing.
You might find that if your neighbour knows it’s having such a big impact on your mental health that she will try to be quieter if you use a nice approach and make it clear that you know that a lot of the problem is your noise sensitivity. If she doesn’t feel criticised and sees it more as a kindness then she might make more effort to keep it down.
I sent a facebook message to the woman above me and things were better for a few weeks till her partner found out and then he made sure it was worse, I’m not dealing with a reasonable person though!

If this doesn’t work then I know you are against the idea but I’d start to make normal noise back. If they hear how much sound carries and it annoys them back then they might compromise with you. I don’t mean anything excessive but I’d be having friends round, having music on, play your guitar etc… If the kids go to bed early I’d be doing it then so she realises the effort you make and will possibly return the favour.

The other thing is to use the silicone earplugs a pp suggested. I find they are pretty effective, I tried the loop ones but the neighbours noise is too loud to drown out. I also don’t hear as much wearing my AirPod pros but I have to listen to something at the same time and it’s not the same when you just want silence. My neighbours seem to never go out so I’ve also started going and sitting somewhere quiet like in the countryside or a park or even my car if it’s raining!

You could try speaking to the council? I had the police come round to take a witness statement recently who were surprised at how loud it was. They were very sympathetic and said even what’s classed as normal household noise can be dealt with if it’s classed as excessive. They recommend I see if the council can do anything as it was impacting the enjoyment of my property and causing my mental health to suffer. I suspect that was more to do with the arguing screaming and banging the adults were making though, they said it’s definitely not a police matter or they would have happily helped!

Could you speak to your landlord? I tried going down that route but I was told they couldn’t do anything as they had no proof and the neighbours were denying they were noisy.

I hope you find a solution, I know the obvious solution is to move but that’s not as easy as people think and it feels unfair to be pushed out of somewhere when the problem could be solved with a bit of consideration from the neighbours.
If you feel talking to them would help then give it a try and try to keep things as friendly as possible so they don’t see you as making demands and have more sympathy and understanding of your situation.

But there is no “normal” noise with babies and toddlers, they are all different. Nothing you have described is unreasonable noise, nothing you have described would be taken as a genuine noise complaint by the council, it’s a young family making the noise lots of young families make, in their own home/garden. Feel free to approach them if you want to but be prepared for them to tell you exactly what people have here- kids make noise, it is what it is.

They’re young kids OP, they get upset, and sometimes that will be in the garden. Saying goodbye at the door is also very normal. As others have said you need to find a way to cope or move, this is a you issue, not a them issue.

Yeah we have a lady next door to us with a 3 y.o. and we hardly hear her - or her toddler. And she has her sister and 5 y.o. niece around twice a week too, and the kids play and have fun, in the little paddling pool, and the little trampoline she has for them, and they just make normal 'kiddie having fun' sounds' We rarely hear them in the house either. SOMEtimes but not often. We live in old 1930s semis, so the soundproofing is really good.

She is a lovely considerate neighbour and we're so lucky to have her.

A lady I know who lives just up the road (on our side - 5 doors away,) is joined onto the noisiest family in the world. They have had to get white noise machines and sound bars, just to be able to hear the TV when this family is in the house. You can hear this woman screaming blue murder at her (three) children from halfway up the road.

Poor woman I know is at the end of her tether, and after 23 years living there and raising both her children there (one still at home) she is selling up. Younger DC is moving in with her partner in the new year, and this lady is hoping to move into a little 2 bed bungalow (detached!) You can hear this woman and her 3 kids in the garden when the weather is nice too, from a fifth of a mile away! (When she screams blue murder at them in the garden, which she does often!)

Dreadful woman, and a dreadful mother. Her 3 kids wander around the area on their own with no parental supervision (they're 4, 7, and 9, boy, girl, boy,) because she CBA to engage with them. Makes me wonder why she had them tbh. They constantly wander onto peoples driveways, and into their gardens, and make a nuisance of themselves.

They also take no notice of their 'mother' and her screaming. It's like white noise to them now. They're just annoying now. Another 7-8 years and I reckon they will turn into vandals, and be terrorising the neighbourhood, because they have had NO discipline. (Never seen a single man/any of the childrens fathers at the house,) and the mother has certainly never given any.

As the pp said, some people are just inconsiderate gobshites, and sadly, their children often turn out the same!

(The noisy family near the lady up the road moved in a year ago btw.)

Well then you move a bit further away where your money will buy you what you want, you take a chance a buy a similar property locally and pray for quieter neighbours, or you find better ear defenders.

Not a lot else can be done.

Sending sympathy! Totally get where you're coming from as I'm ND too and sensitive to noise. I carry Loop earbuds with me and find that normal headphones fit over them quite comfortably (and provide extra quiet). But I get that using them on a long-term basis is untenable.

But, bluntly, if it's affecting you this badly, you only really have three choices.

a) Change something
b) Don't change and continue the status quo
c) Move

If it's a) may I suggest the semi-comedy option of having stronger-minded friends/advocates over to socialise (if you really can't bring yourself to be there, maybe you can go to a local cafe). Making normal noise in your household may show the neighbour what it sounds like. But do ask a strong friend/family member to advocate for you. It could make a world of difference.

If b) you'll need to change your mindset and accept the noise as your new normal. Otherwise you are going to put your own life on pause while you wait for the next noise and get offended about it. It's one thing to say "people SHOULD" do something but if they don't, and you won't communicate/press the issue, nothing new is going to happen.

Remember you can also communicate through writing. A gentle letter through their door, for example. A good trick for any future conversations/letters - know what you're asking for, specifically.

Not playing music with the door open? Reasonable!
Never letting the kid cry? Unreasonable.

Wishing you all the best luck and hope you find many oases of quiet.

The thing is I don't want to make unnecessary noise to deliberately impact her, and quite frankly I'm afraid to. In the past she has messaged me about one off noises, and I have found this been quite inappropriate and intimidating, and now I am afraid to make any noise. I have NEVER messaged her about noise as I am trying to be as tolerant as I can. But I just can't cope anymore.

Why are you letting this stranger have so much power over you and how you live your life?

The thing is I don't want to make unnecessary noise to deliberately impact her, and quite frankly I'm afraid to. In the past she has messaged me about one off noises, and I have found this been quite inappropriate and intimidating, and now I am afraid to make any noise. I have NEVER messaged her about noise as I am trying to be as tolerant as I can. But I just can't cope anymore

That's because you make NO noise. My neighbour was the same about the ones on the other side until she realised her noise was also travelling into my house. Don't keep your noise down. How dare she do that to you. Tell her you can hear all her noise too.

This new screaming phenomenon is so strange. The kids in my street do it too and only one of the parents goes out to tell hers to stop but the rest all carry on. My youngest is 13 and when she used to go out to play, she and her friends would shout, be loud(ish) but never anywhere near this screaming level that happens now. I don't understand how the parents can stand it.

Me and another neighbour went out to the street one evening after hearing screaming thinking that a child had been injured but no, they were just screaming for the sake of it. What happens when there is an accident and everyone ignores it?

@Stripeysuitcase you say it would cost you hundreds of thousands of pounds to move.

Can you explain why that is as it doesn’t seem plausible.

If you think the noise is unreasonable, then record, log and report. Having children doesn’t mean anyone can run riot.🤷‍♀️

Honestly l lived next door to a neighbour with a baby and toddler in the middle of summer.

I never heard them. They’d be outside a lot but it was all quiet and they took them in if they got noisy.

Some people are just inconsiderate gobshites. And you live next door to one. Why do they have to shout or be loud? What about voice moderation or just good manners?

I think people are very much more inconsiderate than they used to be, and it’s not just about how much noise parents allow their kids to make. It’s now the norm to be on public transport and have someone nearby listening to music, watching something or Facetiming without headphones, for example. I think things like mobile phones have made the problem worse, because a lot of people are so busy staring at their devices that they’re oblivious to other people.

I’ve had neighbours like yours, two separate families with young kids, often out in the garden making a racket all day long. When I was a child, we would be told to keep the noise down when we were in the garden because other people had a right to enjoy their gardens, too. Nobody expects children to be seen and not heard, but one thing I have noticed in recent years is a huge increase in the amount of screaming that children seem to do (when playing, not when upset). Forty years ago, that was considered completely unacceptable. I find it physically uncomfortable, and often that kind of loud play seems to go on and on and on. For a short while it’s tolerable, but when it’s hours it’s not. In the end I moved out of the city to get away from it.

The problem is that it is really the luck of the draw what your neighbours are like. The noisiest place we ever lived was a semi-detached in a supposedly quiet cul de sac with almost no traffic. The green space outside our house was used by about 10 to 30 local kids as a playground, and the noise - shouting, screaming, footballs being kicked - was constant after school until after dark, all day at weekends, and in the holidays it started at 10 am and went on until 10 pm or later, every day. It was like living in the middle of a school playground, there was no escape from it, even in the back of the house or in the garden. Of course children should be able to play out, but we moved. We now live in a terrace, which is completely silent 90% of the time.

I strongly suggest that you start thinking about moving. Just doing something - looking at possible new places - might make you feel less tense and more in control. I really understand how noise at home can send your anxiety spiralling and that feeling of never being able to get any peace, and some people are much more sensitive to noise than others.

If you have the budget, you could look at acoustic wall panelling - it's pretty decent to look at these days and can make a difference. And you need something to tune your ears into to stop listening for their noise - if you can bear white noise, a talk channel on the radio or keep a fan running on low. I can't sleep without a fan on all year round as I've got hypersensitive hearing.

And I would make sure that you're making noise too so they begin to appreciate that noise travels through the walls.

It seems really unfair that I have to live very quietly and in fear of making a noise that upsets them, yet they can be as loud as they want and make no effort to regulate that noise

You need to start making more noise to let her know that noise travels through the houses. I live in a terrace house and my NDN said she was having a terrible time with the neighbours on the other side of her regarding noise. There was a few spats between them.

Meanwhile she was slowly driving me mad with her own noise but I wasn't brave enough to say anything. I am very very quiet, there's only 3 of us here, no young kids. So she thought because it was so quiet on one side and noise on the other that those neighbours were extreme.

She was in my kitchen one day and she heard through the wall her husband pottering about, he slammed a cupboard door (by accident I assume), it wasn't even really that loud, wouldn't have been loud enough to bother me but she was really shocked. She was mortified that she'd given the other NDN a hard time. She has stopped all the noise that was bothering me. Just normal household noise now but the thundering up and down stairs has stopped which was the worst.

@Stripeysuitcase Unfortunately they only really work if you have music on too, otherwise you can still hear a bit and then I'm 'waiting' for the next noise if that makes sense

Are you sure those are the actual ones you have? I have these and wear them frequently in my house as we are a full house packed with adults and lots of noise. My (adult) kids literally stand right in front of me and talk to me and I can’t hear a word when I’m wearing these - no music required. Frustrates them no end but is a joy for me. It’s my me time and I’ll take them off when I want to listen to people talk to me😁. I also wear them when travelling to work and can’t hear any station or train announcements whatsoever, it blocks it all straight out, don’t need to be playing anything as such. Do you have them set right? I’m guessing they need to be set up a certain way, wouldn’t know as someone set mine up for me?