Can't cope with neighbour noise

Sadly autistic people need detached houses far away from humans, and most of us can't afford that. I think suicide rates are going to increase rapidly with the constant noise in the UK getting worse and worse. A lot of people don't understand the impact background noise has on them, but it's a major contributor to depression and obviously for autistic people it's far more severe.

You're not being unreasonable - most people have no consideration of others.

I have lived below an ignorant mum and her child...when I complained I was told "she is 9" yeh old enough to not run and jump off the steps.

I feel your pain. Caused massive arguments I eventually moved.

Your neighbours could be the best and most understanding in the world and despite efforts they still wouldn’t be able to keep small children quiet all the time.
I mean this kindly, but I find it hard to believe the noise is ALL the time. How old are these kids? Don’t they go to nursery or school? Surely there is a time in the evening when they are in bed that it’s quieter?
Could you listen to music or audiobooks with big pair of high quality headphones for a bit when it’s at its worst?
I’m wondering if there some relaxation techniques you might use when you find it bothering you?

If you feel you must talk to them, then it might be easier to focus on specifics than a general ‘you all make too much noise can you be more considerate please?’.

Pick your battles. Choose the times of day that it bothers you the most or seem particularly problematic and focus on those.
Im a very non confrontational person myself and I would find this very difficulty but maybe something like

‘This is really awkward but I need to chat to you about something. I’m finding it difficult in the mornings because the children are quite noisy at 7am. I have trouble sleeping and it’s waking me up really early. I wonder if they could be a little bit quieter?’

Or

’sometimes when I’m in the garden it’s hard for me to relax when your back door is open and everyone is making noise, would you be able to keep it down a little or just close the door for a bit?’

Hopefully things will improve as the kids get older, go to school/nursery if they don’t already, or when autumn and winter come and they at least don’t have doors and windows open so much!

Unfortunately for you, a household with a toddler and a baby is always going to be noisy. I think parents learn to tune it out to a degree as they are so used to it.

The way I see it, you have a few options - you can say nothing and try and subliminate the noise with white noise/background music/earphones

You can try speaking to your neighbour and explain how much the noise is affecting you and ask for a few specific changes, for example keeping their back door shut, turn down their radio etc. I doubt they'll be able to keep the children quiet or change how loud their voices are - some people are just loud!

If you really feel you can't cope, maybe think about moving? My mum lives in a little cul-de-sac which is mostly elderly people and it's very quiet. If peace is really important to you, you need to look at places where there won't be young families.

From all the OP has said, I think that's just not her. No point in antagonising even more. That said, it must be particularly galling to have made a noise, had a complaint and stopped; it sounds like the thoughtfulness is ones sided; I'd agree that consideration for others appears to be on the wane overall.
Out of interest, is she a single parent? It's possible she too is neuro divergent, or a child is, or perhaps someone has some hearing loss - which might help explain why she talks so loudly. On the positive, it's good to hear she is interacting with her kids, not parking them in front of a TV all day.
Do you have a partner?
I'm not neuro divergent, but I do dislike noise. My wife & I have a constant battle over the volume button on the telly; right for her is way too loud for me. I'm encouraging her to get a hearing test(Subtitles are a godsend!)

From all you've said, I think you're going to find it too stressful to talk to her, and if she's unwilling or unable to change, that could worsen the relationship between you. You'd not want to get to a position of wanting to o move, and finding a neighbour dispute on the cards

Good luck with your decision

I think you need to start looking at ways to help yourself cope with it. For example, noise cancelling headphones? Headphones with soft music or an audio book playing? Either sound blocking or sound altering earplugs? I have some Calmer earplugs which are supposed to make noises affect you less - reducing the fight or flight response. Set up several smart speakers throughout your house with soft music playing in every room? You could look at sound proofing - admittedly this will be a high cost. Hanging soft blankets along your adjoining wall will muffle some of the sound coming through.

i recommend trying the calmer earplugs - they are about £20 and help me when in a busy and loud environment

I wonder if they realise how noisy they are??

I have two kids who are irritatingly loud (despite my best efforts) and if you came over to me and said what you’ve said in your posts, I’d 100% agree a way for both of us to try and be happy. I actually have a neighbour who never leaves the house so on the weekends I always take the noise makers out for at least two or three hours because I assume she must need some respite from them. I’d try to talk to them. Hopefully they’re reasonable. Also, I’ve NRTFT but are you near the countryside. Could you go out to a woods or something to get some peace? Not ideal I know but in the short term might give you some respite xx

You’re not being unreasonable. Move as soon as you can.
We moved in March of this year from a rented quiet cul de sac to a rented semi detached house. I checked all the walls for thickness and the floors and windows etc for faults. I checked EVERYTHING in the house that bugged me about our old house and it passed.
However, the walls between us and our neighbour appeared to be thick but have zero insulation. I can hear every light switch, footstep and door closing, the toddler screams most of the day, the dog is left alone to bark for hours and the couple coo and shout much of the time. It starts anywhere between 4-7am with intermittent, but random breaks in noise, through to 8pm, thank goodness, when they all seem to go to bed at the same time!
The reason it affects me is that the noise sounds like it’s in our house, it is SO loud. I have really suffered with bad mental health and am trying to find a way to break our contract early. I saw another house before this one and simply made the wrong decision. I will NEVER make the same mistake again. If you get any sort of house, just make sure your bedroom at least is not adjoined to the neighbours house so you can go somewhere quiet to get some sleep.

You can come and join me when I buy my own island to guarantee peace and quiet😆But we’ll probably be driven bananas by screeching seagulls!

I can’t believe you are being criticised for that, either.

Being considerate of other people is common decency. It used to be expected, now it seems to be the exception. I’m shocked by how many posters don’t seem to think people should have to give any thought to anyone but themselves. What an awful world we now live in.

My neighbour would shout into his phone on work calls in the garden of our semi detached houses so I did shout down the garden to see if hubbie wanted coffee. He went quieter ..goid luck xxx

I would definitely say stop tip toeing around and ignore her complaining messages about your noise! Live your life. You sound like a very considerate neighbour so I wouldn't worry about her moaning.

It will be hard getting her to change how she conducts her life in her home, as she just won't be thinking about how what she is doing impacts on her neighbours - she doesn't sound like the sort of person who will think of others.

I spent 20 years in a terrace house mostly with neighbours with young children and never heard them. Now I live in a detached house and my perfectly nice neighbour loves to play loud music in the garden so this house is noisier than the terrace! So, even if you did move, there is no guarantee life would be better. We live on a crowded island on a crowded planet.

I would do this and I'm also neurodivergent.

Stop tiptoeing around her. She doesn't do it for you. Almost everyone on this thread is saying she has the absolute right to be loud and inconsiderate and make your life awful, so that means that you do as well.

Fuck her. Play your guitar. Play music. Phone a friend and talk really loudly. Show her the same consideration that she does to you, and when she texts you just reply "yeah, I can hear you as well, that's life in a terrace isn't it?" Or ignore her. Or say "yeah I'm playing music to drown out your noise".

She's obviously selfish and thoughtless so I don't think talking to her is going to help. Just live your life.

I agree.

Maybe you’re being spectacularly selfish?

Honey catches more bees than vinegar. People should at least try and consider others.

I’d wait until she next complains about your noise (perhaps don’t be so considerate to expedite that process) and then say it would be good to discuss noise generally so that you’re both able to live peacefully as far as possible. Then consider some reasonable things you could ask her to do. Ie expecting the children not to run around or play isn’t reasonable but asking them to shut their back door when they are in the garden so the Noise doesn’t travel inside might be.

I think everyone should make an effort to make other people's lives easier and work together.

You are being spectacularly naive. And do you really think a mum of two small children who are doing what small children do has the energy to consider what you may be feeling?

The thing is, you can't force people to be nice, considerate neighbours.

There’s no answer to this other than moving and crossing your fingers. I really sympathise as I’ve felt that way too.

I would want to say “your voice never stops from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep and it’s driving me mad” but we live in a world where we can’t say what we mean. Even if you manage to dress that up “politely”, people are so unpredictable. You could get anything between “oh I didn’t realise, I’m so sorry” to a punch in the face for being Rude.

Live your life, play your guitar and have friends over. When she messages you, message back " yes, I hear you as well".

Put that ball right back in her court.

You sound so stressed out OP. I do understand, neighbour noise is very stressful and what I’ve experienced has been less than what you’ve described, that was stressful enough.

I would like to think that I shouldn't have to live with it, or at least I can TRY to not have to live with it as it is now, by approaching my neighbour in a kind and reasonable way.

Thing is, how would that go, really? You live next door to a family and honestly the stress of keeping kids quiet means the stress you’re feeling will just transfer into their household. Best to actually just remove the stress - one of you move! Hopefully they’ll outgrow their terrace if they’ve got 2 kids? I would honestly just move though, for an easy life. Surely approaching them and the relationship going forward will just be equally stressful. Life is short, you can’t be hiding away paralysed in bed or crying in your car etc. Honestly just move. Home is where you make it!

Welcome to living in a terraced house, I guess? Could be a lot worse, trust me. I once lived somewhere with such poor soundproofing I heard next door sneeze.

I hear one set of neighbours quite often, and just take the attitude that if I can hear their partying then they can hear my autistic son's loud vocal stimming, so let's just leave each other to it.