How to deal with male colleague undermining me

Maybe you'd have had different responses if the desk issue wasn't mentioned. Because it's odd behaviour to make a fuss over where someone has sat.

You 'called out' a colleague because he didn't sit next to you?

I'm sorry, but if anyone did that at my work everyone would think they were absolutely nuts. You're not at school. I'm not surprised he was chippy with you and that people acted embarrassed - I doubt it was him who was making them feel embarrassed.

Some people will find your weakness & poke you
I agree stay strong !

I think you may have set the tone when you kicked up over where he sat. It doesn't give him the right to pick away at you, but I think you're being a bit sensitive over the desk thing. Therefore maybe the other things too?

Is he like this with other women? Is it a chauvanistic thing?
I would actually be tempted to ignore him and not call him out ... yet ...but observe what he's doing when and why and then take it further if you need to. Main thing is your boss is fine with you.

I have had males try this

I would suggest

Concentrate 100% on yourself
Spend less time & energy thinking about other people

Laugh to yourself, about how someone else is trying to treat you & if necessary call that person out.
I have seen some males treat women like "sport" at work & in relationships. They think that they are funny & clever, but they are cruel & unkind.

Do not steep to playing games against other people

If you are unhappy at work, look to applying to another department or to another work place

However, even if you move, you will always find lazy work colleagues & people that do not want to work with you - beware !

@GinToBegin people are commenting on why it seems this situation has happened, so it's facts. Rather than pinpointing one thing. But yeah, I agree it will be deleted soon because its not going as OP might have planned.

Have to say I wouldn’t have posted if I’d seen the latest update.

But broadly speaking, whatever the thread, I still don’t think it’s helpful to focus on one aspect of a poster’s situation and ignore others - and this is something that happens quite often, I’m not singling anyone out here. Yes, in this case, the seating situation may have been a turning point, but the OP has to deal with the situation as it is now.

Anyway, I’ve posted the one thing that I thought might be helpful, and after that update, the thread is clearly going to go south (and probably end up deleted), so I’m checking out.

Yes, I may get emotional or teary over some things but, fuck me, I'd rather that than be a robot or a person who kicks someone when they're already down.

But there's a massive area inbetween, and it sounds as though that's what you need to work on going forward.

Otherwise the rest of your working life is going to be very difficult, no matter where or who you work with.

OP you are madly overreacting and being melodramatic. Does his choice of desk impact how you do your job?
And if you really think you are going to burst into tears in a meeting then I suggest you urgently seek some therapy. This is not normal.

Kindly, if your reactions on here are anything to go by, I think you could probably do with having a little rethink on how sensitive you are and how you're letting non issue things get to you and become an issue. I don't see anyone on here gaslighting you, more of a case of you not liking their opinion. That's not really how life works unfortunately.

"I believe in raising people up, telling them they've done a good job and work towards a common goal, supporting them to get ahead and be the best version of themselves. So when the complete opposite gets done to me, on purpose and what feels like a form of sabotage, then I don't understand it and struggle to deal with it."

it sounds like you see yourself as 'nice' - and thats great. But not everyone else is, so you have to give up any dependence on everyone else "supporting others to be the best version of themselves'. Unfortunately people can be absolute shitheads. So you need to be able to shake it off and rise above. That means developing some assertiveness, getting a bit of a thick skin, and maybe having a little store of standby responses - practice how you will clap back when this idiot undermines you or challenges your suggestions, run through them, the more you do it, the stronger you will get. Its hugely uncomfortable, women are conditioned to stand back and be submissive and emotional, its absolute hogwash. Stand up for yourself. Dont focus on feeling hurt and snubbed. Focus on feeling ANGRY that he is diminishing you professionally!

How about a short, to the point email saying you’ve considered his points but for x, y, z reasons they won’t work? CCing the others in the meeting of course

Why is his sex relevant? But regardless you are coming across as a bit over the top

Our other colleague had the grace to look embarrassed and tried to get me to move to sit with them which I obviously turned down.

What jumped out at me was how biased this ^^ sounds.

He didn't have the 'good grace' to sit at the desk you booked, so how is he any different to the other guy?

Either way you're right, you're giving it too much head space. He's not your boss, and offices up and down the country are full of men and women like him.

Just do your job and give him far less thought.

@Rondel and now we are gaslighting 🤯🙈

Whoah. Again, the melodrama. Look, we all have colleagues who are difficult and sometimes undermining. Mine is actually female, and it’s not personal, it’s general.

@GinToBegin I'm not overlooking anything. OP says that was the turning point. My opinion is that it's clearly been a change in behavior since the desk saga. His behaviour is obviously crap since then, I didn't comment on that I simply just said the reaction to where he sat was ott.

And gaslighting?? OP you're probably best not asking for people's opinions if they simply give their opinion and you then say you're being gaslighted on here ffs.

I’m normally hyper sensitive to this having spent decades observing male colleagues trying to undermine me. But I think you are being very precious and silly about where he chose to sit.

There may be other examples of him undermining you but if that’s the most obvious one I think you are creating problems for yourself frankly.

People have friends at work and you can’t control this. He is absolutely within his rights to choose to sit with his mate.

No one’s ‘picking holes’. They’re pointing out that the OP overreacted to a colleague choosing to sit elsewhere on an office day, which makes it hard to determine whether she’s also overreacting hugely to completely ordinary meeting discussions — her metric for slights seems unduly sensitised if she equates a colleague not sitting beside her with being ‘publicly shunned’.

Interesting that people are fixating on the seating issue, and conveniently overlooking the gross undermining at the meeting.

OP ignore seating issues, but when it comes to work matters, assuming what you’re saying is correct, stick to your guns. Acknowledge whatever it is he’s saying (otherwise you’re laying yourself open to accusations of ignoring him), but then counter with your reasons/rationale. Keep it calm and professional, and have faith in yourself.

Regarding today’s meeting, one way or another, you’ve got to manage your emotions. Keep the meeting on subject, if he tries to derail, bring it back, every time. If he mentions the meeting yesterday, bring it back to the matters at hand.

It also might be worth keeping a note of any issues as/when they occur in case of need.

You've got this.