How to deal with male colleague undermining me

Misogynistic behaviour at work is pretty common place. So many men still can't deal with women as their equals, or superiors, no matter what they say, or believe about themselves.

That said though...it's just work you know?

It sounds like you had an expectation (about the team sitting together). He didn't have the same expectation. Unless that expectation was explicitly communicated and agreed upon, the only problem here is that your internal expectation was not met and then you chose to verbalise that. That can be surprising and confusing to other people; they weren't privy to what was going on in your mind. Bottom line -that was a you thing.

And I believe in raising people up, telling them they've done a good job and work towards a common goal, supporting them to get ahead and be the best version of themselves. It's a great sentiment, but again a you thing. Some people are just at work to pay their mortgage you know? Or coasting through a difficult period in their personal life, or, or, or...

It feels like you're having a bit of a theory of mind failure here and not only overthinking but attributing how you believe things should work to others. If people aren't on the same page, this kind of thing can be quite intense. And some people are seriously rubbed up the wrong way by intense colleagues.

I get that you are ND and that might mean regularly stepping back to remind yourself what is you stuff and what is other people. It's also worth bearing in mind that around 1 in 20 (or more) people are ND. What if this guy's autistic traits meant he had a strong preference on where to sit, or a blunt way of communicating. Everyone has their own stuff going on and their reactions and behaviours are rarely actually about us.

Sounds like your colleague feels threatened by you. I would just smile and carry on. Try ignoring him. If he deliberately calls your expertise into question just ask when did he complete the training. Alternatively let him speak ignore him and carry on regardless. Tears are a weakness you keep for private. This needs the dragon in you to assert itself.

I understand your frustration OP, if this male colleague normally would sit with you and now for whatever reason has decided he dosent want to it can feel like you have done something wrong or offended that person somehow.
Please don't worry about that as its just childish games don't be drawn in to it.

If he undermines you in a meeting then simply acknowledge his point and then counter it as you have already said you are good at your job don't be afraid to make your point.

Agree this is a really good approach - sweet smile - "Yes, precisely - that's exactly what I was saying at the beginning of the meeting. Great minds, eh?"

In the meeting I made suggestions on what I thought would work and asked him his thoughts, he seemed to dismiss everything I came up with but then suggested exactly what I had 🤦🏼‍♀️

Fred, can you just explain for me the difference between that and my suggestion?

Fred, have you been woolgathering again? That’s just what I said already.

Fred have you got anything new to offer, that we haven’t already considered?

He is bullying you. Stop being nice to him. Confront him, that is what bullies understand.

Reading comprehension must be a problem for some who are saying op is overreacting to where the colleague sat. It is clearly written that the male colleague had slowly started cutting her out, being standoffish and not as friendly before the seating incident occurred and that was what tipped the scales for her. This is covert bullying and needs to be addressed by HR

Get a grip?

Oh, and assertive responses to the undermining behaviours you describe could include

‘oh, I’m glad you agree with what I said’
’why exactly don’t you think that would work?’
’clearly we are on the the same page then’

There are parts of your post I don’t quite understand.
The night out a small group of you had- was he on it? Because you mention that night out without being clear about whether he was there and then go on to say it was downhill from there. What happened to start all that? Was he not invited to that night and perhaps feels you all left him out?

You also mention the more recent night out after he sat in the the separate area but state ‘it was fine’. Was he on that night out?

The desk thing, it does look like he pointedly and rather childishly sat in a totally place but was it just you he sat separate from? If not then I’m not sure you can take it personally.

Perhaps he is jealous and sees you as a threat due to your promotion. If you feel he is undermining you then have a word with management, but the desk thing, I get it but I would let that one go.

Exactly. That’s a useful way of taking back ownership of the idea, and can be done semi-humorously, if, as I suspect, the OP isn’t going to be comfortable with snapping ‘Simon, are you deaf? I literally just proposed that and you pooh-poohed it.’

In the meeting I made suggestions on what I thought would work and asked him his thoughts, he seemed to dismiss everything I came up with but then suggested exactly what I had

I hate people like that. I had one in my last job and I used to say "Oh wonderful, I'm glad you've come round to my way of thinking" with a smile on my face. They always looked annoyed, but couldn't deny it, although they did try once and one of my colleagues jumped in and said "Nah, mate that is exactly what she said" Ha

Honestly, OP, while I don’t know exactly what your role involves, it sounds to me as if your ‘breezy’ small talk, ego-massaging and enquiries into his interests isn’t working as an approach with this colleague, who sees it as you acquiescing to your lower position on the pecking order. Which it does, to me, too, a little. No one ego-massages someone with less power. They don’t need to. And if you’re busily making conversation about his interests, and he’s not reciprocating, I think it’s implicitly saying he doesn’t need to pretend interest or make equivalent small talk. Especially if he then dismisses everything you suggest and then suggests it himself as if it’s his idea.

Did you challenge that? ‘Simon, I think you can’t have been listening. I literally just said we could do X, and you dismissed it.’

In future, I would cut the small talk and ego massage in one on ones, stick strictly to the agenda, and don’t let him take credit for your ideas.

If you give some idea of what he does to undermine your contributions in meetings, people can probably suggest assertive responses.

Sounds like you did well in the meeting after all. Well done!

Planning out neutral/positive responses ahead of time can be really helpful. Rather than seeing it as "when he undermines me" see it as "when I have to support my expertise". Which you may need to do for different reasons even when he's not there. It can only do you good to have them on tap.

If you have RSD, you ought to sense check with colleagues to ensure you are not over-reacting. In most work environments, it is not undermining to ask questions about a proposed solution. Perhaps you could check in with other colleagues who were in the meeting, to find out if you were being overly sensitive.

Certainly you must never again start arguments about someone sitting with a different team member; if I were your line manager then I would have explicitly told you to settle down with that behaviour, because you will have made multiple colleagues unnecessarily uncomfortable.

Stepping forward from here, it isn't worth trying to apologise, because you missed the moment on the day and late follow-up will just add disruption. Resolve to be pleasant and professional; when colleagues see you can behave rationally, the silly behaviours should be quietly forgotten.

Ahhh your last post explains it OP. I also have RSD and ADHD.
The undermining you in meetings is shitty but you have over- reacted to the incident with the desks.
Once you have calmed down and have time to think through all this , you will realise the situation is not as bad as you think. You are in that emotional place where life feels untenable.

no one is gaslighting you here. Hugs . Take a deep breath !

Take that straight to HR.

I don't see a need to "call him out", rather saying "since we're in office let's take the opportunity to work together today, mind if I join you?" and plump yourself down beside them.

And you need some self-supporting cliches like "well, there are many views on this and I've been asked to share mine because of my background in Thingy/because that's what we found on the Thingy Project".

He wont be the only twat you get to deal with!

Not in a competitive sense but in a trying to survive and get ahead in what can be a shitty world. I don't need a man to come along and try to put me back in my box.

He's really got up your nose! "Get ahead" is competitive - what else can it be? And that's OK. People manage competition in different ways.

I believe in raising people up, telling them they've done a good job and work towards a common goal, supporting them to get ahead and be the best version of themselves.

Well, he doesn't. A lot of people don't. You still have to stay cool and cope with that. If you're looking for strategies many people find "transactional analysis" useful for managing this kind of office interaction calmly and effectively.

Good luck with the meeting! I really like what @ChateauMargaux wrote, hope you can use it, and feel your strongest!

You sound like you might be hard work...

Honestly, I think I'd be keeping out of the way of someone who seems to be so sensitive, dramatic and emotional.

@spiropunk
Look, he probably doesn't like you. That shit happens.

You say that you work together well when needed. That's it, focus solely on that. Otherwise, keep your distance from the Mr Misery Gossip unless your career depends on him.
Then take the head space you've just created and go and do a great job and earn the respect of your boss. Put your energy where it matters.

Surely, if you work together in a team, it's beneficial to sit together when you're in the office? So you lot do sound nit picky over that.

This guy is being a massive prick, undermining the OP, purposely leaving her out etc, and it's causing friction when, quite frankly, there doesn't need to be. The OP and him are not even doing the same job, they bring something different to the team and this guy is basically telling the OP how to do her job and making colleagues feel awkward in the process. That's not professional at all.

OP, start keeping a record of this and also record your meeting today if you can. Tell him you're doing it so you can refer back to what he's said, that may stop the prickish behaviour.

Don't lose your cool, he's not worth it.

Having Googled 'RSD', I think if you feel it's relevant to the situation, you definitely should've included it in your OP.

Ok, so you've identified the issue. You have a choice- let his arsehole behaviour bother you, or not.

Another thread here today had a similar situation- male colleague groaned about working with female colleague.

She went to her boss and restructured a project to work with someone else.

I don't think you need to go to your boss over this, but you can rearrange things so you don't care what he does.

Tune him out. Focus on other people.