Daughter/ scolhool/ refusing to attend

I think focusing on the bigger picture can be helpful.
The op has indicated that they can't home ed and I wouldn't advocate for that so close to school finishing but if they can focus on on what's important then her DD might be able to get something out of her school education rather than nothing.

So if they can think about what she wants to do for the next step - and one of my kids was like a rabbit in the headlights about this so I know even that is hard, especially with a history of school trauma, then hopefully they can get over this particular hurdle rather than finding it's a brick wall.

So art. College where she'll be with more artistic children and hopefully find a tribe. Doing what she needs to do to satisfy the college that she can have a place. Often in vocational subjects this isn't the 9 GCSEs but it's passion, talent and a portfolio that shows that while school was not a good for they were still (self) motivated in the subject they wish to continue with.

@Devonshirerexx

My reply wasn't aimed at you at all OP, it was for the PP who said it's not parents responsibility.

It wasn't aimed at you at all :)

What I would do....
Focus on her art. Find good quality subsidised evening and weekend courses and go along with her. Things that she can't necessarily do from home due to needing equipment. Hopefully a mix of ages ago that she gets a different perspective from the conversations there.

Find a way to do silver arts award with her.
Help her build a portfolio.

Start to make the suggestion and hope she takes it onboard that college is a completely different kettle of fish to school. That they're more able to treat young people as individuals and she will love it.

Give her mental health days from school and focus on the art. Encourage her to make the effort with maths and English as then if she goes to college for art she won't have to do those alongside.

I agree with most of this apart from the 'it isn't your job to get them in school'

Of course it is. Children legally have to be in full time education and it's absolutely up to the parents to facilitate that. Yes we can take the pressure off and advocate, but kissing goodbye to any responsibility for getting your child into school is downright stupid IMO. It'll always be the parents responsibility, with the HELP of professionals.

First of all let me point you in the direction of these people https://notfineinschool.co.uk

Secondly, you are not on your own, there are thousands of us dealing with this .. there is loads of support and guidance out there

Also, I am a governor at a Catholic School, and your Head is talking of thier bum. They should be catering for ND young people, whether they are diagnosed or not

My daughter missed 3 years.. she has just completed Y1 at college, but I’m not confident of Y2. She is now diagnosed with Autism, and takes Sertraline to manage her anxiety.

what I would advise is to take any conflict out of it , no shouting, no removal of possessions, no switching off the WiFi etc. Take away the pressure to attend, stop talking about school, or qualifications or exams … they already know they should be in school, they don’t need you to tell them.

It isn’t your job to get her in school, they are professionals for that .. it’s your job to make her feel safe, and feel loved, and for her to realise you are on her side.

You can return to education at any age .. there aren’t guards on the door of colleges and universities that turn you away of you are over 21.

take the pressure off

There are alternative provisions based on art. This may be a way in. There are also art subscription boxes and boxes that companies do that are tailored to the educational needs and interests of each child.

Would DD be open to art therapy?

My daughter at 16 (post covid) would not attend for full timetable as she did not get all of her preferred choices. A full timetable is mandatory in fifth year (Scotland). She was extremely rigid and unbothered by penalties. Always been very literal in her attitudes but sociable enough, behaviour/difficulties not sufficient to warrant CAHMS/ASD referral but had always been on a stage 1 Intervention plan since primary.
Ended up moving her to local college after Christmas to do elective NVQ courses to get her into chosen career. Will take her an extra year, but a but of maturity will benefit her I think. Like a different child. Got herself a part time job. Now on time. Does not miss classes. Does homework assignments. Shows up early for work (I’m fainting, truly) and now can (gasp) engage with adult strangers - something she could never do. I had been demented with her, and gone toe to toe every day over school, wearing uniform, etc. making me hate her, both of us utterly worn down with it. I had been very resistant to the college idea as she’s clever and I felt this was a less desirable option. I now feel that sometimes what I wanted for her isn’t what she wanted so she just checked out. I really believe if I had forcibly kept her in school she would’ve flunked on purpose to spite me.

I guess what I’m saying is try to check out ANY alternatives even if you don’t fancy them to keep her in viable education. Talk them over with her and make her choose so there’s a chance she will engage as she’s had agency over the choice. Hopefully something that can lead to a productive outcome. Best of luck, I feel your pain.

My DD dropped out of the first year of a levels for similar reasons.

She had a year at home, anti anxiety meds, counselling etc. she then re-engaged with education when she was ready. She did a part time catering course in her first year back, then an access course and is now at uni.

Your DD does not have to follow the oath everyone else does.

You would probably be better off focusing on meds (and diagnosis if not already in place) than education right now.

Ok.

So, firstly the steps towards sorting this are basically around documentation as this will start to produce some of the help you need.

You mention adhd and autism - is she diagnosed? If not then starting that process is step 1.

If she's had a managed move then presumably her behaviour etc is documented.

Next step is starting the EHCP process if not already done. Try heading over to the SEN boards first advice on that. You can apply as a parent you do not need the school to apply.

Yes, totally agree.

Sending your disabled child to a school that doesn't believe in her disability will be nothing other than damaging for her. I would do anything to get her out of there.

I don't know where you are, but google EBSA and your LA - there should be a guidance document that sets out the responsibilities of those involved.
If there isn't one for your LA, the information from other LA’s will be similar.

Arm yourself with the information ready to meet with the school. Challenge them regarding expectations of their role.
Are you meeting your role as a parent too?

Has your daughter a health care plan?

This is from an LA.
https://www.lincolnshire.gov.uk/support-education/emotional-based-school-avoidance-ebsa/2

'The new head told me that due to the school being Catholic their is no regard for such things as anxiety and adhd, that it is all due to covid and all the other students still partake'

How recently was this said to you?

If this was said to me, I would write to the Headteacher saying...

Dear Headteacher

Just to confirm our conversation earlier this week, I would like to check my understanding of your comment in which you said that as the school is Catholic, there is no regard for things such as ADHD or anxiety'. Please could you confirm which parts of the Equality Act you propose to ignore when you deny the existence of ADHD which is a registered disability.

Additionally, please confirm whether this is your personal standpoint, the standpoint of the school governors, the standpoint of the Catholic Church or all three.

Please could you also let me know which Special Educational Needs professional advises the school as I would like to ensure that they are aware of the disability discrimination that this stance demonstrates.

Regards

OP
No consequences from school
Only home ie taken phone and grounding (which is no good as she doesn't go out)
No devices

Have the phone and devices been given back to her?

What was the outcome of the parental EHCNA request you made? Does DD now have an EHCP? If so, what provision, including therapies (e.g. OT, SALT, MH therapies such as animal assisted therapy), is in there? If school is inappropriate have you considered EOTAS?

It is far more likely DD can’t engage rather than won’t and the type of support needs amending so DD can get to a point where she can engage. What are DD’s interests?

The LA has a duty to ensure DD still receives a suitable full time education. Often the way in to get DC to a point they can engage is via their interests. For example, if DD likes gaming there are alternative provisions based on gaming. Same if DD enjoys sports. If DD enjoys animals there are lots of provisions based on animals.

My ADHD/ASD daughter missed most of year 10 and 11.

Mainstream secondary school is absolute mental torture for many ASD teenagers. My daughter just couldn't cope with it.

Autistic burnout is sadly very common at this age. It's debilitating and unfortunately not very well known about by most people. I'd never heard of it until my daughter was suddenly deep in a dangerous burnout. I learned a lot but sadly mostly too late.

The school sounds awful.

Go back to your local authority to see what they can offer. It sounds like she's had a lot put in place already but may be too far in burnout for anything to succeed.

My DD wasn't offered and thousands like her, sadly are usually offered very little. CAMHs don't seem to be able to cope with autistic burnout either. Often the only way to recovery is complete rest for a while.

I have a 13 year old who experiences emotional based school avoidance - i understand how hard it is.

Firstly, I would reframe your thinking. This is a child who Can't go to school, not Won't. This shift in thought pattern for me was game changing. Could she be in burnout? Autistic burnout is very common and not well understood, particularly in girls.

Did I read that you've completed an EHC needs assessment? If so, great! I don't know how far along the process you are, but don't be put off if they reject it, it's really common and will likely be granted on appeal (from experience). Frankly, this school sounds dreadful and not suited to her needs.

Are there any 14+ colleges near to you?

You could also write to your local authority to request temporary education be put in place due to your DD not being able to access school. There are templates on the IPSEA website.

Prioritise your relationship with your daughter, spend time doing things she enjoys and always always let her know you're on her side.

I'm sure there is lots I'm missing, but I just want to let you know that there are masses of us going through the exact same thing, you're not alone

Firstly please don't punish a child for being anxious. Can you imagine if your loved ones response to your extreme anxiety was take her phone away?

It's the environment and that needs to change, not the child. Her school sounds crap.