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Original poster

Struggling with ND husband

33 replies

AquaQuail · 03/07/2024 22:30

I’m wondering if anyone is in a similar situation and can offer advice? Been married for over 10 years. Overall we’re happy and accept each other for who we are. He’s a good person and I think I am too.

The problem is he doesn’t understand feelings and often can say inappropriate insensitive comments. I tell him he’s hurt my feelings and he apologises, but then he thinks that’s the end of it and just repeats the same behaviours a day or two later.

Normally this doesn’t cause arguments as I know (believe) he can’t help it, and I’m generally easy going, but he’s become worse lately and I’m getting really fed up with him.

He’s recently been diagnosed with a number of health conditions which I know he’s struggling with and I am being supportive. Although he tells me all the time how much he loves me and appreciates me his behaviour and comments contradict this.

I’ve explained this to him and he says in his mind the two things are completely unrelated, he says he is completely unaware of being insensitive and apologises immediately. I’ve said I don’t understand how you can say one thing and then behave in the opposite way, he says he can’t understand how I feel as he doesn’t get it and therefore doesn’t know how to solve the problem.

I don’t know how to move forward, I don’t want to throw away our marriage as it seems silly and we have two children who would be completely distraught (who are also on the autistic spectrum) if we separated. I’m just so tired of feeling unhappy!

OP posts:
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Olivia2495 · 04/07/2024 10:03

This doesn’t sound like it’s anything to do with being ND. Does he make these “jokes” to anyone else? His boss or colleagues? He just sounds disrespectful and like he enjoys winding you up.

Stop expecting him to be empathic towards you. Stop supporting him too, he is literally laughing at you.

Duckingella · 04/07/2024 09:46

AquaQuail · 04/07/2024 07:20

It’s things like if I say I’m struggling to keep on top of the housework (the house is reasonably clean and tidy) he’ll say something like well you’re not doing a great job and run his finger on top of the skirting board and show a bit of dirt then laugh.

or if I say I’m tired he’ll say not as tired as I am, or I say I’m not sure someone at work likes me he’ll say well no-one likes you as you’re a bit weird. Then he’ll laugh and say it’s only a joke, he thinks I’m a wonderful person. I tell him his jokes aren’t funny but he says it’s his personality. He’s always been quite sarcastic but I’m at a time in my life where I’m just not patient and expect him to be a little sympathetic at times.

He”s just difficult to live with. I try and support him but don’t feel it’s reciprocated.

Yes I'm ND and it causes me to be cruel and behave like a twat;that old chestnut.

You can be ND and still be an emotionally abusive arsehole.

3luckystars · 04/07/2024 09:39

Yes it will sand you down.

lamppostliving · 04/07/2024 09:35

There’s a thread on relationships for people in relationships with ND people. I suggest you post there.

My experience: it won’t change. You need to decide if you can accept that.

Also my experience, being in a bad relationship slowly corrodes you, like water over a stone.

VoteHappy · 04/07/2024 09:30

I think if he's unwell and isn't able to do his share of chores then you absolutely must outsource them before you burn out.

He does sound difficult but why go to him for empathy when what you need is practical help to release some of your burden.
If he said he was sorry you are tired and overwhelmed does it change the amount of tasks?
No
That's seeking validation when what will help the most?
Practical redistribution of tasks which he is unable to help with
Feels a bit futile and stuck in a loop

Go round the back and approach it in a different way.

He does sound like he has a script he sticks to which has developed as a defense mechanism ask me how I know

First release some of your burden
Online shop
Cleaner/ Ironing

Take what you need,stop asking for it

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 04/07/2024 09:14

Men like to fix not be empathetic (generally)

His Humour is Probably his mask. He has probably been using it to Cope his whole life

Did it originally attract you to him? Be honest

theeyeofdoe · 04/07/2024 09:04

I think that's a most men thing isn't it. You want empathy and they think you want a solution. (II'm a little bit like that too TBH).

I think you're being a bit oversensitive.

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 04/07/2024 08:55

I agree with the poster above.

If you want to stay
In the marriage which is fine either way then
Look after yourself. Find joy in other things. Can you afford to outsource some jobs so you can have you Time?
Switch To shopping delivery
Get a cleaner
Gardener
Hire a decorator when required

Make sure you put yourself
First

Get a monthly
Massage
Do a
weekly
Club

And so on

Obvs a lot of this is
Money
Depending

Also
Learn about autism
In men. There are
Some amazing podcasts and books out there
I appreciate you have ND kids but an adult
Is Different

Have you considered you maybe ND. Have you thought about RSD

Very
Common in adhd women and ND offer attract each other

I hope
You
Can work it out.

Dotdotdotdot19 · 04/07/2024 08:53

AquaQuail · 04/07/2024 08:43

Something else is he dismisses my feelings all the time. If I say you’re you’re behaving like a twat he acts like it’s endearing, if I say you’re making me unhappy he says no I’m not, if I say I find you deeply unattractive at the moment he gestures his body and says but you have the whole package here. (He’s average looking and slightly overweight- not that I care he just the way he doesn’t seem to grasp what I’m saying).

He sounds as though he is not doing well at processing his new health issues and the anger/overwhelm/whatever is now spilling out towards you which I don't think is fair to you. Is he ever able to have a genuine conversation at the moment or is it all defensive?

Iaskedyouthrice · 04/07/2024 08:46

AquaQuail · 04/07/2024 08:35

He does everything he can but he’s diagnosed with long Covid and fibromyalgia and struggles just to do his job let alone anything else.

Show quote history

His response to you is interesting then isn't it? Instead of saying 'I'm sorry, I'm tired and struggling' he just says 'no, I do enough'.
I understand why you are fed up as it seems to be he is trying to upset you when he answers instead of answering truthfully.
Look, if you are doing everything house and child related as well as working (or even if not) then you must find a way to look after yourself. It's all very well excusing his behaviours but why he does it makes no difference to how it makes you feel. Or the reasons for his lack of input in the house makes no difference to how run down you become.
Start thinking about how to protect your own health, mental and physical, no one else will. You are the doer in your house, you need to stay well.

Original poster
AquaQuail · 04/07/2024 08:43

Something else is he dismisses my feelings all the time. If I say you’re you’re behaving like a twat he acts like it’s endearing, if I say you’re making me unhappy he says no I’m not, if I say I find you deeply unattractive at the moment he gestures his body and says but you have the whole package here. (He’s average looking and slightly overweight- not that I care he just the way he doesn’t seem to grasp what I’m saying).

OP posts:
Original poster
AquaQuail · 04/07/2024 08:39

Crazycatlady79 · 04/07/2024 08:38

Some of this sounds like my ex. We're both ND, but very different people.

If ever I said I was tired or ill, it was NEVER as tired or ill as him. He always had to engage in one-man-ship. Still does, whenever I see him.

Would say something unkind or sarcastic and seem to not care that what he'd said had upset me, as it was always a 'joke'.

Countless other things. I don't know if it's to do with his Neurodivergence, as he genuinely seems to enjoy winding people up and doesn't appear to care what anyone else feels (as he has never made an effort to change/compromise). I think it's more the sign that he is a twunt (my ex, not your husband).

Ha ha yes I think my husband is a twunt too but he seems to think that’s endearing!

OP posts:
Crazycatlady79 · 04/07/2024 08:38

Some of this sounds like my ex. We're both ND, but very different people.

If ever I said I was tired or ill, it was NEVER as tired or ill as him. He always had to engage in one-man-ship. Still does, whenever I see him.

Would say something unkind or sarcastic and seem to not care that what he'd said had upset me, as it was always a 'joke'.

Countless other things. I don't know if it's to do with his Neurodivergence, as he genuinely seems to enjoy winding people up and doesn't appear to care what anyone else feels (as he has never made an effort to change/compromise). I think it's more the sign that he is a twunt (my ex, not your husband).

Original poster
AquaQuail · 04/07/2024 08:38

Dotdotdotdot19 · 04/07/2024 08:15

My husband is ND and his empathy is just not there. We have had some absolute clangers over the years but it is something that he worked on although when he is tired and overwhelmed then we slip back to square one. Once he isn't overwhelmed we talk it through and he understands why I might not have appreciated that response

It does suck when it feels like the relationship is one sided but I think it is part and parcel of living with an ND partner.

I totally understand this, problem is he’s always tired, overwhelmed and not very cognitive (long Covid and fibromyalgia) which is why he’s regressed somewhat. I also think I’m menopausal and am struggling with my mental and physical health and he just can’t be supportive as he doesn’t understand. It’s really difficult 😥

OP posts:
Original poster
AquaQuail · 04/07/2024 08:35

Iaskedyouthrice · 04/07/2024 08:14

Or I I need you to load the dishwasher, response is no, I cut the lawn and fix things.

Please tell me this isn't all he does in the house?

He does everything he can but he’s diagnosed with long Covid and fibromyalgia and struggles just to do his job let alone anything else.

OP posts:
RatHole · 04/07/2024 08:24

It’s not unreasonable to expect more of him around the house, ND or not.

Personality wise it could be that this is genuinely who he is, and it can be very difficult to compromise and adapt to other's needs.

Ultimately I think you need to have a very clear talk about what you expect from the relationship (him taking into account how you feel at his insensitive jokes, him not doing his fair share of things).

If you’re unhappy and he’s showing no signs of making an effort to improve this then you need to prioritise yourself. Either leave him or find a way that works for you to accept it and feel happier.

Dotdotdotdot19 · 04/07/2024 08:15

My husband is ND and his empathy is just not there. We have had some absolute clangers over the years but it is something that he worked on although when he is tired and overwhelmed then we slip back to square one. Once he isn't overwhelmed we talk it through and he understands why I might not have appreciated that response

It does suck when it feels like the relationship is one sided but I think it is part and parcel of living with an ND partner.

Iaskedyouthrice · 04/07/2024 08:14

Or I I need you to load the dishwasher, response is no, I cut the lawn and fix things.

Please tell me this isn't all he does in the house?

Original poster
AquaQuail · 04/07/2024 08:10

VoteHappy · 04/07/2024 07:52

It reads like you expect him to understand the subtext of what you are saying but what he's doing is confirming what you are saying but not understanding you

" I'm struggling with housework"
Subtext I need help
Him " yes you are struggling, this is dirty"

Change in communication
I need you to step up and do your share in the house, what tasks will you take on?

"I'm tired"
Subtext Im tired and overwhelmed, I need you to do more
Change

I'm overwhelmed with tasks , what are you going to take on
Or
I'm going to bed, to rest ( statement)

Stop calling yourself wierd, you have no idea if your colleagues think you are wierd or not
It's a form of self bullying

Disclaimer
My DH is ND and does not get that there is a subtext, so I have to be VERY direct

Show quote history

I understand all of this and have approached communication differently as in the above examples. I’m met with ‘no I don’t do that, I do xyz instead’.

OP posts:
Original poster
AquaQuail · 04/07/2024 08:08

greengreyblue · 04/07/2024 07:28

I would think he is saying the things you want to hear because he has learnt that but his behaviours are instinct. Were you not aware he was ND when you married him?

Edited

No, I wasn’t, just thought he was quirky

OP posts:
Original poster
AquaQuail · 04/07/2024 08:06

He’s always been sarcastic and inappropriate but it has become worse recently due to additional health concerns. I am very direct (vast majority of the time) as I realise this is necessary for him to understand but he just says things like ‘no’ or I don’t do that I do xyz.

He’s extremely practical however, sometimes it’s just exhausting and I wish he could just give a more empathetic response. Eg I’m tired his response is to go to bed earlier like I hadn’t thought of that. Or I I need you to load the dishwasher, response is no, I cut the lawn and fix things. If I say I’m fed up with work he just says well don’t go, or think about something else.

He just doesn’t understand context or the fact the sometimes a little flexibility is needed. I guess he can’t change it’s just I’m going through a time in my life where I just need someone who can understand depth and he can’t.

I’m not weird at all, he just thought this was funny.

OP posts:
Begsthequestion · 04/07/2024 07:55

VoteHappy · 04/07/2024 07:52

It reads like you expect him to understand the subtext of what you are saying but what he's doing is confirming what you are saying but not understanding you

" I'm struggling with housework"
Subtext I need help
Him " yes you are struggling, this is dirty"

Change in communication
I need you to step up and do your share in the house, what tasks will you take on?

"I'm tired"
Subtext Im tired and overwhelmed, I need you to do more
Change

I'm overwhelmed with tasks , what are you going to take on
Or
I'm going to bed, to rest ( statement)

Stop calling yourself wierd, you have no idea if your colleagues think you are wierd or not
It's a form of self bullying

Disclaimer
My DH is ND and does not get that there is a subtext, so I have to be VERY direct

Show quote history

I think it's op's husband who called her weird. And said that no one likes her.

VoteHappy · 04/07/2024 07:52

AquaQuail · 04/07/2024 07:20

It’s things like if I say I’m struggling to keep on top of the housework (the house is reasonably clean and tidy) he’ll say something like well you’re not doing a great job and run his finger on top of the skirting board and show a bit of dirt then laugh.

or if I say I’m tired he’ll say not as tired as I am, or I say I’m not sure someone at work likes me he’ll say well no-one likes you as you’re a bit weird. Then he’ll laugh and say it’s only a joke, he thinks I’m a wonderful person. I tell him his jokes aren’t funny but he says it’s his personality. He’s always been quite sarcastic but I’m at a time in my life where I’m just not patient and expect him to be a little sympathetic at times.

He”s just difficult to live with. I try and support him but don’t feel it’s reciprocated.

It reads like you expect him to understand the subtext of what you are saying but what he's doing is confirming what you are saying but not understanding you

" I'm struggling with housework"
Subtext I need help
Him " yes you are struggling, this is dirty"

Change in communication
I need you to step up and do your share in the house, what tasks will you take on?

"I'm tired"
Subtext Im tired and overwhelmed, I need you to do more
Change

I'm overwhelmed with tasks , what are you going to take on
Or
I'm going to bed, to rest ( statement)

Stop calling yourself wierd, you have no idea if your colleagues think you are wierd or not
It's a form of self bullying

Disclaimer
My DH is ND and does not get that there is a subtext, so I have to be VERY direct

romdowa · 04/07/2024 07:36

AquaQuail · 04/07/2024 07:20

It’s things like if I say I’m struggling to keep on top of the housework (the house is reasonably clean and tidy) he’ll say something like well you’re not doing a great job and run his finger on top of the skirting board and show a bit of dirt then laugh.

or if I say I’m tired he’ll say not as tired as I am, or I say I’m not sure someone at work likes me he’ll say well no-one likes you as you’re a bit weird. Then he’ll laugh and say it’s only a joke, he thinks I’m a wonderful person. I tell him his jokes aren’t funny but he says it’s his personality. He’s always been quite sarcastic but I’m at a time in my life where I’m just not patient and expect him to be a little sympathetic at times.

He”s just difficult to live with. I try and support him but don’t feel it’s reciprocated.

He just sounds like a passive aggressive asshole hiding behind his nd.

Gliblet · 04/07/2024 07:35

My DH and DS are both ND and I spend a fair bit of my working life coaching people with various 'flavours' of ND - what you describe sounds to me like the behaviour of an arsehole, not someone with any specific social communication issue.

To stop that sounding too throwaway, reactions I might anticipate from kind ND individuals who were making a genuine effort if you said you're struggling to keep on top of the housework:

Practical solutions (up to and including a colour coded schedule to keep you on track) even if what you were looking for was emotional support

Defensiveness if they feel you're hinting they should be doing more (even if you weren't)

Learned or instinctive emotional support along the lines of 'no it's fine, look there's a whole patch of clean floor right there'

Avoiding the issue then doing something kind for you that they know usually works, like appearing with biscuits or suggesting you have a bath

Not a bitchy put down, followed by a laugh, followed by refusal to even attempt to improve. If it is 'just his personality' then his personality is shit.