Parents in law on holiday

Godamighty, I'd be developing Orange juice Covid the day before take-off and enjoy the two weeks at home in peace and quiet.

Last time he spent most of the drive home gnashing his teeth saying 'I'm NEVER going away with my mother again, that was a nightmare. We mustn't tell them the dates !!'' and i was like ''<shrug> well it was you that told them but it wasn't that bad in the end ....''.
😆

😂

Isn't the answer just to spend time on the beach regardless? If they can't come with you, so much the better. Tell them it's all the children want to do and, as it's their one opportunity to do it all year, you're not going to make them traipse around teashops.

@RosieApple61 "From the other perspective... we invited my DS, DIL and 1 yr old GC to spend a week with us in a cottage last year (we paid). We told them they could go and do their own thing, which they did on a couple of days. We babysat a couple of times so they could go out on their own. On the face of it, it was a good week. But our relationship has not been the same since. I can't figure out what we did wrong, but they don't seem to want to spend any time with us since then. It definitely won't happen again."

Aw RosieApple I feel sorry for you for this. It's easy for us all to romanticise holidaying together and sometimes it just isn't the image we have in our heads. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong, and you sound considerate by babysitting too. But maybe they felt under pressure to go and it was a bit too full on being all together for a whole week? Holidays are always sold to us as relaxing but for a lot of people they can be stressful rather than relaxing even with everyone on best behaviour. Maybe traveling with a baby and worrying about that was stressing them and it's not something easily explainable however nice you are.

I don't know if this is any comfort but I went on one holiday that included my parents and inlaws! (Whose bright idea was that?) and absolutely hated it. Everyone was fine. Noone did anything wrong. I love my parents dearly and get on well with inlaws but somehow the combo of everyone's different stresses, including mine, meant it wasn't relaxing for me at all. Plus I felt very little connection with my partner who kind of switches off in these situations. People can be different about their stresses. Some people stress about being overly early for everything. Others stress about the travel aspect, others can be fussy about the food aspect. There is also a sort of constant scheduling thing that can tend to happen in these situations, when I'd just like to go with the flow more. The constant meal planning and endless discussion of these aspects. The irony being that everyone else had a great time...apart from me.

My parents occasionally say we should do it again. Thankfully I have quite a jokey relationship with them and so I tend to say I love you loads but hell will freeze over first. I paint it as my failing though. They know they are loved so it's not some massive rejection if we don't do actual holidays together.

Yeah - I am sympathetic with the situation but I won't be engaging after this comment.

@Mintleafcocktail 😅we do mini versions of that. Kind of every year!
18 years on and he's no better. The funny thing is, when PIL crash our holidays the thought/principal of it before hand annoys me more than him and, weirdly, more the actual reality when they're with us. He's the other way around.

Last time he spent most of the drive home gnashing his teeth saying 'I'm NEVER going away with my mother again, that was a nightmare. We mustn't tell them the dates !!'' and i was like ''<shrug> well it was you that told them but it wasn't that bad in the end ....''.
😆

I had twenty years of this. Every holiday, home and away, they were there.
It destroyed my mental health and eventually my relationship.
Hold your ground.

Not just me then. I totally get it - I’d rather eat my own liver than have a holiday with small children. It’s not generational @Anxiousmuch, all boomers are not created alike.

But you haven't met my DH. He's like a rabbit in the headlights when someone asks him a question he knows he's meant to be vague about. He opens and closes his mouth like a gold fish and then looks at me 🙄

Ah yeah that is hard. Can you practice with him beforehand? pretend you are one of his parents and get him to role play being vague? 😆

You'd think it would be easy wouldn't you? (it is for me)

But you haven't met my DH. He's like a rabbit in the headlights when someone asks him a question he knows he's meant to be vague about. He opens and closes his mouth like a gold fish and then looks at me 🙄

@Nanaboots you sound so lovely. If people were more relaxed about people doing stuff on their own they'd be far more inclined to go with them! I dont know why people dont get that

I’m a nana, and I love my son/dil/gc so much, and yes we go on holiday with them, but they also go alone. I love our week together but respect they need their space and also to be a family.

we always book a cottage or something big enough for us all, we pay for everything we do together, I supply plenty of food and pay if we eat out so basically they get a free holiday unless they choose to do something different, and that’s the big point, they law of the holiday is, we each decide as a couple what we want todo if the other couple are invited great otherwise no, there have been times I’ve watched them pack a picnic to go to a castle or something and I’ve felt I would love to go, but they don’t ask us so 🤷🏼‍♀️ that’s the deal . It works well, we babysit most evenings because I have limited mobility and tired by evening they get couple time if they want it. They go to the beach we might join them for an hour , but that’s it.

point I’m getting at, speak to them, explain you need this family holiday, and yes you would love a different break another time with them but not this one this one is just you, I’m sure well would like to think they will 😂 understand.

We're going away for 4 days in the summer and they've already said they want to come for a night which will be 2 of the 4 days we're there! It's not like they've not been on 3 of their own holidays this year!

Dont tell them! why is everyone talking so much about their exact holiday plans and then getting upset when they try to book? If you stay silent about it they wont know and wont be able to wangle their way in. If they ask if you've booked a holiday be vague and say hmmm not yet, not sure what we are doing etc...

Exactly- it's his fault for not being assertive/direct with them so he can look after them cant he? I bet he wont be doing that again 😆

Just pass them off to your son anytime he agrees to go potter and afternoon tea say that sounds nice the kids and I will be at the beach catch up with you later

We have just avoided similar but with my bil and family. I just piped up that this was a much needed week to get away from life and I had no intentions of compromising our plans. They got the message, instead we have offered they join us on day trips and a weekend trip to Paultons park.

You really need to find your backbone and say that it wont work for you and instead you will do a weekend away at another time. Be firm. Ultimately they still might make plans to be nearby but then if you are having a beach day go anyway, don't change your plans.

I love my in laws but the one and only time we went on holiday with them (again, invited themselves) I hated every second! It was like reverting back to being kids and then the parents! We had to do everything with them all the time which was not my idea of fun at all.

They've tried it since but I've always been ready with "we're just so looking forward to some much needed time together"

We're going away for 4 days in the summer and they've already said they want to come for a night which will be 2 of the 4 days we're there! It's not like they've not been on 3 of their own holidays this year!

He shouldn't tell them the dates your going. If they turn up regardless then I wouldn't be available. Don't engage with them. They weren't invited.

It's really quite simple ..you can't stop someone booking a hotel or cottage etc wherever and whenever they want.
Luckily they are not sharing accommodation with you, so you go about your holiday as you normally would.
If it's camp breakfast then to the beach for the day then a BBQ in the evening you do exactly that.
Your DH can communicate that to his parents, with a cheery " you're welcome to join us if you want".
I also had awful weeks when ex ils invited themselves and ex mil had very poor mobility but insisted on doing everything we did, this slowing everyone down , walks had to be cut short, someone had to sit with her etc ..until I decided she wasn't my mother or my responsibility and I just continued with whatever I wanted to do.
I do feel for you OP.

No, your DP needs to tell them this is your one holiday and you value the time alone and don’t want to share. Ie the truth. You need to assert yourself with your dp and he needs to assert himself with his parents. Honestly mn is filled with these type of posts. People just go through life getting walked all over, then come to mn to solve their none-problems. Learn to advocate for yourself.

There is no way someone should invite themselves on your holiday. Don't give the dates is fairly simple

Yep- basically I wouldnt tell anyone we had booked a holiday until a few days beforehand. Then it's too late for anyone to book it themselves. If they asked why I didnt mention it I'd just say vaguely "Oh, did I not mention it? I'm sure I did, oh well I must have just forgot" etc Be vague, very, very vague.

If they dont know about it until the very last minute they cant elbow their way in to the plans.

Start a thread! Then you sit back and read all the responses telling you what an ungrateful old woman you are, because you're actually incredibly fortunate and privileged that your important and busy adult child spares you even a yearly visit, never mind a whole holiday! And if that means you get to provide childcare...well, your cup runneth over! Also, that you really should be paying for everyone because..you know..boomer..£2m house that you bought for £3.50...

From the other perspective... we invited my DS, DIL and 1 yr old GC to spend a week with us in a cottage last year (we paid). We told them they could go and do their own thing, which they did on a couple of days. We babysat a couple of times so they could go out on their own. On the face of it, it was a good week. But our relationship has not been the same since. I can't figure out what we did wrong, but they don't seem to want to spend any time with us since then. It definitely won't happen again.

We do go away with our inlaws and used to go away with my parents but we all give one another plenty of space as we want different things from a holiday, do different things in the daytime, apart from perhaps one or two trips together, and just get together for dinner.

But none of us would dream of encroaching on the other's separately booked holiday.

There is no way someone should invite themselves on your holiday. Don't give the dates is fairly simple. Just get vague about that. In addition, your partner should say not this time and offer another one as you say and say you'd love to see them then. I actually think it's rude of them not to give you an opt out so it is better to be clear or else it will keep happening. If they persist can you say it's an activity holiday to make it quite clear you wont be doing the kinds of things they would want you to do? I don't think you should feel guilty though. It isn't on to invite yourself on someone else's holiday.