Parents in law on holiday

No apology for the ageism then?

Tricky. How does DH feel? Is it possible he encouraged them to come?

I've been on holiday a lot with my in-laws, they're very hands on with the children and a great help, but I still feel awkward around them. I know I don't meet their expectations but I've also stopped seeking their approval or caring too much what they think of me. Instead I try to see them kindly, and focus on the lovely time my children have with their grandparents, the memories they'll grow up with.

I find it easier if we have our own space, eg a self contained apartment next to theirs or cottages.

Why do you think they will want to do everything with you? They may want to have their own holiday, go sight seeing or for some day-trips, then meet in the evening for a meal out? Or look after children some evenings so you and DH can go out by yourselves?

If they do come, maybe write a plan for your family of the things you've planned to do, like beach trips, and leave some days or afternoons free for doing things together?

Softplay in the rain actually sounds grim, what if it rains all week? Would having 2 extra adults allow you to try some new indoor activities? Explore some local indoor attractions?
We do things like interactive museums, boat trips, butterfly house, touring castles or guided tours of caves. When grandparents come they're often happy to play with the kids indoors for a morning while DH and I explore the places less suited to kids.

Is it possible your DH is getting fed up of only doing beach trips and softplay on the annual holiday?

That’s a shame @RosieApple61. Can you speak to your DS privately and ask him what was wrong? If they didn’t enjoy themselves could be they’re worried you’ll suggest it again. It might help them to know you won’t.

That sounds like the best outcome, @Anxiousmuch - I hope you have a lovely holiday.

This is the answer.

My ILs NEVER babysat when we holidayed with them - they seemed terrified at the prospect! I think they felt they had done their child rearing (DH is an only, they are not particularly maternal/paternal). Not all ILs are created equal. We only had a couple of holidays with them and those were never our main holiday - it is ok to want time with your closest family. Just explain that you’ll want to do different things - they may (or may not) listen!

We used to go on holiday with our in laws when our children were small. It went relatively ok until we did an all inclusive and they wanted us in a strict regimen! After that I decided no thanks. A few years later they asked to come on a cruise we booked. I told them politely that they were welcome to book it |(couldn't really stop them) but that this was our holiday and we would be doing everything to suit our family. If they wanted to join in that would be great, otherwise we would leave them to it.

Oh Gawd this brings back memories! When my Grandpa and Grandma moved to Paignton. My family booked a caravan there. However Grandma let her feelings be know that we would go out and about most days and not spend it cooped up in her house! Annoyingly too, she decided I should have my privacy and stay in her house rather than in the caravan (boo!). My dad picked me up most days to find Grandma with a face on and when we left she would slam the door! She did eventually apologise and say she was just a silly old woman. She was one for moods and grudges.

I’m a MIL.M,stepmum/step Mil /nanny/step nanny, every combination you can think of. I love my adult children, their wives, partners, grandchildren and see the local ones regularly, the overseas ones once a year.
I can’t for the life of me understand why grandparents want to invite themselves to their offsprings precious yearly holiday.
I love my grandchildren dearly , but I’ve done holidays with children and now it’s their turn to have lovely times with their children.
Me? Now I like holidays with my husband and afternoon teas! I’ve no desire to spend a whole week with sandy, overtired little ones- done that !
Just say no politely
Im so glad I gave the sort of relationship with the adult children where they can say thanks but no thanks to me if I say/do something that’s not required.
And like Redmat, it’s nice to be invited to stuff sometimes, which we are often and we have a lovely time - but we never go on the yearly holidays with them.
Of course as always I will add, everyone is different.

being of the boomer generation I fully expect them to ignore him and come anyway

just don't tell them where you are going.

If they do come, you have your holiday as normal. don't change one single thing that you would otherwise do. And make it clear in advance that's what you'll be doing. you can meet them once for afternoon tea and otherwise holiday separately.

I'm a boomer. I've never once invited myself on my children's holidays. How dare you suggest that we all push ourselves on our families without heed for their own space or feelings.
My children however occasionally do ASK us to join them and we are pleased to do so.

@plimbow "Another boomer here who's had the opposite problem.

How do you tell your beloved child that you don't want them to come away with you, that you don't want to spend your holiday being organised by them?"

This also made me laugh. Why do families all torture each other in these ways? Can one of the assertiveness crew not give you a hand, Plimbow? Is your child over-anxious about you going alone or do they just fancy the company? Perhaps a bit of vagueness and not divulging that you're going until you've set off is the way? Or the "I really want to go alone this time to have an adventure". Breaking the habit once can make things easier.

Chapeau! I love that you said that! Especially excellent for an ex-people pleaser! 👍

OP - I have a demanding parent to whom we've allocated A LOT of our holiday time. I know how hard this is.

But there is no alternative but to be firm. Suggesting an alternative weekend in the Cotswolds is fine but you have to explicitly state "it won't work" for them to come on this one. They will nod along and say it's fine when you explain it's a beach holiday - when you get there they will look confused the arrangements can't change "just a bit."

At last a sensible suggestion. Was about to post the same.

DH and I do a separate holiday in the summer with our kids. Its stretches out the annual leave vs school holidays deficit. HTH.

My parents used to do this no respect for boundaries. Tell them "that's great, we could meet up with you on 2 of those days but so have plans for the rest of the week".

If they insist on coming along, then DH does town and teacakes with them

You do beach and soft play with the children

Why don't you suggest to them (or DH suggest) that it'd be nicer to book somewhere more accessible for them rather than beach as really all day you are on the beach with the kids.

I'd do some research as to where you could go for a weekend /few days away that is accessible for them and present that to them as an option.

"we've promised the dc this will be a breach holiday and we've planned to do xyz -active/adventure type activities, I know that's not your thing, how admit we do a weekend later in the summer somewhere else?"
Then if they insist on coming, "ok that's great, well stick with what we've planned and if you're not up for those things it's completely fine to do our own thing isn't it!"

I'm not sure why people have a problem just being assertive. If you feel that strongly about it there are ways of speaking up without being rude.

Next time don't tell them you are going on holiday. When you come back say it was literally a last minute bargain holiday you found online . I learned quickly with my in laws to do things and tell them afterwards.

You probably haven't done anything wrong. It was probably a shock for them holidaying with a one year old and expectation v reality and they are probably just knackered generally. I'm sure they will come round.

Just say that you really need some family time, and that your plans are going to be centred entirely around child friendly activities so probably best that they don't join this one....

I had twenty years of this. Every holiday, home and away, they were there.
It destroyed my mental health and eventually my relationship.
Hold your ground
Yes hold your grond and say no. I put up with this for many years, then I started to put my foot down and say no and start going low contact with in-laws. I have to be the one to say no as dh is a wet lettuce with his family. If you don't resentment will build up about how many holidays in-laws ruin.