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Original poster

Lying husband help

115 replies

Laylaleela · 03/07/2024 20:23

Hi everyone.
Apologies if this is in the wrong section, I really wasn't sure where to put it.

For many many reasons, my marriage has been struggling for a while and my husband has become more and more emotionally abusive and shady and just horrible.

He recently took my bank card from me (I use his account normally as I am a sahm) and told me he'd transfer me £500 for the month. He said he wanted to save.

In March my dad kindly offered to lend us money to buy a car as ours had been written off. The agreement was once we received the settlement from the insurance company we would pay him that amount back, then the rest over time in installments. My husband agreed to this.

We received the money from the insurance whilst he was away with work. He said he'd pay it back once he was home in about a month.

when he returned he told me I'd spent half the money (I knew I hadnt) so only transferred half to my dad. He was adamant it was me.

I haven't looked through the online baking before, I'm ashamed to say but I just thought I'd have a look.

He has been transferring hundreds of pounds to a separate account which I have no access to. He's been doing this for months but suddenly upped the amount when we had the money from the car in there.

I can't believe he did it. I can't believe he had the audacity to do it in secret, lie and blame me for it.

I'm a fool for not checking the account sooner but I just trusted him and didn't think to.

I want to leave. This is one step too far and I am done 100%.

What do I do from here?

I don't suppose I have any rights to that money now he's sneaked it off. My poor dad now is out of pocket because of this ass.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 20:50

Mumofoneandone · 04/07/2024 20:46

Is there any support directly from the military if he is leaving you short of money?
Particularly concerning about his actions if he is deployed......

He's recently returned from deployment but began transferring money when he was away. Really went for it once we had the money in from my dad.
Yes there is support. I'll try and speak to someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 20:47

1700ish transferred to one account
2500ish transferred to another
Plus spending hundreds on things for himself when I never buy myself anything.
Taking my dad's money and moving it and saying I spent it.
He's managed to do it.
It might not be insane amounts but we don't have spare money to do this. And what is it for and why not tell me about it?
And like I said I don't know why his mum keeps giving him money that I don't know about and we're not seeing that.
He shouldn't be telling me to live on a budget (which I do anyway) when he is spending hundreds on clothes and things for himself and transferring money into secret savings.

OP posts:
Mumofoneandone · 04/07/2024 20:46

Is there any support directly from the military if he is leaving you short of money?
Particularly concerning about his actions if he is deployed......

sandyhappypeople · 04/07/2024 20:42

Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 20:29

Not a clue what he's doing with the money

Could he be in debt? Or his mum?

Could he have borrowed off her or lent her money which she is repaying, definitely gather as much evidence as you can. Do you have access to any emails etc?

I think the solicitor is the best starting off point, but be sure to mention financial abuse.

StopInhalingRevels · 04/07/2024 20:37

Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 20:02

We live on a military house so rent is very cheap and comes out his wage.
So 2500ish after rent has come out.
He pays the other bills out of that amount.

Show quote history

Ah, my first (very short lived) marriage was in married quarters too.

Rent is indeed cheap. So we're looking at £2.5k a month after rent.

Council tax. Gas. Electric. Water. Contents insurance. Car insurance. Car tax. Fuel. TV package, Netflix, Prime. Broadband. Phones. Household stuff, furniture, repairs and maintenance.

As you've mentioned kids, plural, I'll guess 2. So then there's clothes, food, activities, days out, takeaways, clubs, for 4.

If you then get £500 allocated to you each month, is there really all that much left over for him to squirrel?

Original poster
Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 20:29

Not a clue what he's doing with the money

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 04/07/2024 20:27

What do you think he is up to op? You’ve got the benefit of knowledge as to how he is acting.

What’s your gut telling you?

itsmylife7 · 04/07/2024 20:10

Is your Dad brave enough to contact him and demand the money back.

Is there a support scheme for military spouses?

Original poster
Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 20:05

Mumofoneandone · 04/07/2024 19:56

Can you get access to his other bank accounts?
Get proof of his income.
Make notes of things he is doing IE limiting finances for you as proof for divorce/evidence of financial abuse.
Get important paperwork out of the house/get copies of other things like house ownership etc.
Small claims court for your dad to get the money back for the car from your husband.

Thank you.
No access to other accounts. One I didn't even know he had. The other I knew he had as a savings account but I can't access them

OP posts:
Original poster
Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 20:04

sandyhappypeople · 04/07/2024 20:02

are you the policy holder though? Is it your email/phone number on the policy?

just trying to say if in his name and you’re only a named driver he could cancel it without you even knowing.

Show quote history

Yes I'm the policy holder. I have all documents for the insurance. He just paid for it.
It's in my name. He is a named driver

OP posts:
Original poster
Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 20:02

StopInhalingRevels · 04/07/2024 19:56

Gently, just trying to establish the level here, if you only have £2500 coming in, do you have no rent or mortgage coming out of that? Does he pay all the council tax, utilities, TV, broadband etc out of that?

We live on a military house so rent is very cheap and comes out his wage.
So 2500ish after rent has come out.
He pays the other bills out of that amount.

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 04/07/2024 20:02

Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 19:48

He paid it for the year when we got it.

Show quote history

are you the policy holder though? Is it your email/phone number on the policy?

just trying to say if in his name and you’re only a named driver he could cancel it without you even knowing.

StopInhalingRevels · 04/07/2024 19:56

Gently, just trying to establish the level here, if you only have £2500 coming in, do you have no rent or mortgage coming out of that? Does he pay all the council tax, utilities, TV, broadband etc out of that?

Mumofoneandone · 04/07/2024 19:56

Can you get access to his other bank accounts?
Get proof of his income.
Make notes of things he is doing IE limiting finances for you as proof for divorce/evidence of financial abuse.
Get important paperwork out of the house/get copies of other things like house ownership etc.
Small claims court for your dad to get the money back for the car from your husband.

Original poster
Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 19:48

Aligirlbear · 04/07/2024 19:43

If the card is in your husband’s name and his account it would be fraud if you used it without his permission

Show quote history

Okay. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 19:48

sandyhappypeople · 04/07/2024 19:41

Who's paying the insurance on the new car? Is that coming out of your account?

He paid it for the year when we got it.

OP posts:
Aligirlbear · 04/07/2024 19:43

Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 19:15

Thanks everyone.
So it's not illegal if I take the card and use it anyway if needed?
I know where he's put it

If the card is in your husband’s name and his account it would be fraud if you used it without his permission

sandyhappypeople · 04/07/2024 19:41

Who's paying the insurance on the new car? Is that coming out of your account?

Original poster
Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 19:39

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 04/07/2024 19:36

@Laylaleela how did insurance money for your car end up in his account in the first place? why did it not go to your account? check that the dvlc v8 is in your name and he hasnt changed it. if he has, change it back and then change the address to get it sent to your dads house/ empty all accounts because you have no money. all passports, birth certs etc and all copies or originals better of house docs and bank docs/ if you are leaving imminently. make things difficult for him and even think of changing password of bank

The previous car was in his name and he bought it so the money from the insurance company went to his account.
My dad has put this new car in my name because it's mainly mine anyway, he bikes to work and doesn't really use it.
So I am registered owner of the new one.
It's his bank account so I can't change passwords. I can access it but don't even know if I'm legally allowed to now.

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 04/07/2024 19:36

@Laylaleela how did insurance money for your car end up in his account in the first place? why did it not go to your account? check that the dvlc v8 is in your name and he hasnt changed it. if he has, change it back and then change the address to get it sent to your dads house/ empty all accounts because you have no money. all passports, birth certs etc and all copies or originals better of house docs and bank docs/ if you are leaving imminently. make things difficult for him and even think of changing password of bank

Original poster
Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 19:34

44PumpLane · 04/07/2024 19:20

Honestly, is there enough cash in his account to take the rest of your Dad's money back? If so I'd simply take that and transfer it to your Dad or take it out in cash and give it to your Dad and get yourself out.

Although I hasten to add I don't know the legalities of taking money from your husband's account, but I guess all I'd say is how could he prove it was you and not just him paying the other half of the debt?

There isn't enough in the account I have the details for. He's moved it to two separate accounts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 19:33

There are also a bunch of transfers from his mum which is really weird.
She was given random amounts here and there. Then suddenly last month she gave him 1000 in separate transfers.
What the hell is that about.
And I knew nothing about it.
I'm told we need to budget and save and he's got all this extra money and he's moving it around and buying himself fucking ray bans.
Honestly I'm so angry.
All I buy is food and bloody nappies

OP posts:
Original poster
Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 19:31

StopInhalingRevels · 04/07/2024 19:26

Also, if the only income into the house is his wages, how much is that each month?

It's around 2500 a month

OP posts:
Original poster
Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 19:30

Gymnopedie · 04/07/2024 19:29

First things first OP. Make sure you have copies of the bank statements showing his transfers so that he can't hide the money in the divorce.

Thanks. I've screenshotted them.
Might try and print them aswell maybe incase.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 19:30

Helpfullright · 04/07/2024 19:27

It is fraud to use a card in someone else’s name without permission. By taking the card away he has removed permission.

how on earth do you not have a joint account!

I asked to be added to his when I gave up work.
He told me I didn't need to, I had the card, if I was on it it would affect his credit score.
Honestly I feel like an idiot for not pushing it more but I just accepted it at the time and always trusted him.

OP posts: