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Lying husband help

115 replies

Laylaleela · 03/07/2024 20:23

Hi everyone.
Apologies if this is in the wrong section, I really wasn't sure where to put it.

For many many reasons, my marriage has been struggling for a while and my husband has become more and more emotionally abusive and shady and just horrible.

He recently took my bank card from me (I use his account normally as I am a sahm) and told me he'd transfer me £500 for the month. He said he wanted to save.

In March my dad kindly offered to lend us money to buy a car as ours had been written off. The agreement was once we received the settlement from the insurance company we would pay him that amount back, then the rest over time in installments. My husband agreed to this.

We received the money from the insurance whilst he was away with work. He said he'd pay it back once he was home in about a month.

when he returned he told me I'd spent half the money (I knew I hadnt) so only transferred half to my dad. He was adamant it was me.

I haven't looked through the online baking before, I'm ashamed to say but I just thought I'd have a look.

He has been transferring hundreds of pounds to a separate account which I have no access to. He's been doing this for months but suddenly upped the amount when we had the money from the car in there.

I can't believe he did it. I can't believe he had the audacity to do it in secret, lie and blame me for it.

I'm a fool for not checking the account sooner but I just trusted him and didn't think to.

I want to leave. This is one step too far and I am done 100%.

What do I do from here?

I don't suppose I have any rights to that money now he's sneaked it off. My poor dad now is out of pocket because of this ass.

OP posts:
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OCDmama · 06/07/2024 18:21

@Laylaleela are you okay? Can you check in please?

Mumofoneandone · 05/07/2024 20:34

Laylaleela · 05/07/2024 19:24

No. I've sent statements to my email though he doesn't know I've done this.
I've changed phone code.

Forward these emails to your dad or someone else away from home.
Well done for changing passcodes.
Contact welfare asap.
You are sane, he is trying to play you - keep saying this to yourself.

MadeForThis · 05/07/2024 20:10

He's panicking so be careful.

StopInhalingRevels · 05/07/2024 19:56

Laylaleela · 05/07/2024 17:04

He deleted all the screenshots but I've already sent the statements to my email which he didn't see.

He always does this. Makes me feel it's my fault. He's right. I feel guilty and wrong.

Is it an iPhone? Can you recover the deleted pics? They go into a separate folder before they get deleted don't they?

Laylaleela · 05/07/2024 19:28

Iaskedyouthrice · 05/07/2024 18:15

You do not have to say out loud that you don't believe him. Just nod along if you have to while knowing yourself that it's all bullshit.
The problem is, he may start to unravel now you have cottoned on so be prepared to report him to the service the Army provides or ring the police if you feel threatened. What is he doing now?

Thank you.
He's calmed down now. He was so angry before. Shut himself away with my phone. Wouldn't give it back and was shouting stuff at me from the room.

I asked him again about the amazon and hes just saying he had no idea.
These payments go back to January and he has no idea...
I told him if he has no idea he should probably look into it as its obviously someone using his card or something (I know it isnt)
He got angry and told me I'm a prick and being smug???
Couldn't explain where that 400 had gone either.
Yes good advice though. I'm just going to try and ignore his defence.
He got me for a moment but there's no way he's not up to some dodgy stuff

OP posts:
Laylaleela · 05/07/2024 19:24

Wallywobbles · 05/07/2024 18:35

Do you have your photos backed up on the cloud or anywhere. Change your passwords and phone code too.

No. I've sent statements to my email though he doesn't know I've done this.
I've changed phone code.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 05/07/2024 18:35

Do you have your photos backed up on the cloud or anywhere. Change your passwords and phone code too.

Iaskedyouthrice · 05/07/2024 18:15

Laylaleela · 05/07/2024 18:02

Youre right.
Whenever he speaks he is so convincing that it's all me and he makes me feel sorry for him and doubt myself.

You do not have to say out loud that you don't believe him. Just nod along if you have to while knowing yourself that it's all bullshit.
The problem is, he may start to unravel now you have cottoned on so be prepared to report him to the service the Army provides or ring the police if you feel threatened. What is he doing now?

Julyshouldbesunny · 05/07/2024 18:13

File for divorce and let your lawyer find that money. 50 %is yours...

Laylaleela · 05/07/2024 18:02

Iaskedyouthrice · 05/07/2024 17:55

This.
Come on OP, he is 10 steps ahead of you and will ramp up the abuse now you are figuring it out. Stay on track, you know he is lying so do not fall for the manipulation. He stole from your dad for gods sake. Your dad who did a nice thing for you.

Youre right.
Whenever he speaks he is so convincing that it's all me and he makes me feel sorry for him and doubt myself.

OP posts:
Laylaleela · 05/07/2024 18:01

WitchyBits · 05/07/2024 17:59

Please please please go to Welfare as a matter of urgency. Men like this can be very dangerous when they feel their secrets are about to burst open. Do not out you and your kids at risk. Go to sugar and speak to his superior. If you have text/written Prof that he owes your father money and he's been intentionally hiding money from you they can make him pay it back.

Have you thought that he could possibly be using web cam girls or only fans? The women that do this often have "wishlists" on Amazon that they get make subscribers to buy things from as a way of hiding the transactions so they don't show up as sex /porn related

Ok. Thank you.
Oh lord. No never knew that.
I don't think there would be any way of checking though.
Very weird that he has 'no idea' about it

OP posts:
WitchyBits · 05/07/2024 17:59

Please please please go to Welfare as a matter of urgency. Men like this can be very dangerous when they feel their secrets are about to burst open. Do not out you and your kids at risk. Go to sugar and speak to his superior. If you have text/written Prof that he owes your father money and he's been intentionally hiding money from you they can make him pay it back.

Have you thought that he could possibly be using web cam girls or only fans? The women that do this often have "wishlists" on Amazon that they get make subscribers to buy things from as a way of hiding the transactions so they don't show up as sex /porn related

Iaskedyouthrice · 05/07/2024 17:55

CowTown · 05/07/2024 17:29

You haven’t got it wrong, OP. He’s gaslighting you.
£400+ is missing.
He stole your father’s money.
He has a secret Amazon account.
He changed the bank passwords.
He deleted your bank screenshots.
His work will fund his trips abroad + food, etc.

Your gut is not wrong.

Edited

This.
Come on OP, he is 10 steps ahead of you and will ramp up the abuse now you are figuring it out. Stay on track, you know he is lying so do not fall for the manipulation. He stole from your dad for gods sake. Your dad who did a nice thing for you.

HeChokedOnAChorizo · 05/07/2024 17:47

Change the passcode on your phone - fast

he is gaslighting you.

NoNameNonsense · 05/07/2024 17:43

Laylaleela · 04/07/2024 19:15

Thanks everyone.
So it's not illegal if I take the card and use it anyway if needed?
I know where he's put it

By withholding it from you, he is committing domestic abusive (coercive control) by restricting your access to money. So therefore it’s actually him committing a crime. DV isn’t just physical OP. It sounds like he is squirrelling money away in case you separate, but as you are married you are entitled to it anyway.

CowTown · 05/07/2024 17:29

You haven’t got it wrong, OP. He’s gaslighting you.
£400+ is missing.
He stole your father’s money.
He has a secret Amazon account.
He changed the bank passwords.
He deleted your bank screenshots.
His work will fund his trips abroad + food, etc.

Your gut is not wrong.

Greydays10 · 05/07/2024 17:18

Please reach out to military family services.
You are being abused by this man.

Laylaleela · 05/07/2024 17:15

He's saying he doesn't even have a clue what the amazon payments are.
Says he told me about the account and that he was saving. I don't remember this.
Also saying he told me about the other account because he wanted to save. I don't remember this.
But changed from saving for a car to saving to go to America on a work trip in October (he is but surely work would pay and even if he wanted spending money there would he should tell me about it surely)
Also he showed me the account which has 600 in. He transferred well over 1000 so where is the money.

I'm worried I've got it wrong and I'm jumping to conclusions and am being really out if order.

But my gut tells me it's dodgy and it doesn't add up really.

OP posts:
SuePreemly · 05/07/2024 17:11

He gaslighting you.

Boot the piece of 💩 out the house or move out, with the kids and get on the divorce paperwork because this isn't getting better.

He's a controlling, manipulative abuser and you need out.

Laylaleela · 05/07/2024 17:04

He deleted all the screenshots but I've already sent the statements to my email which he didn't see.

He always does this. Makes me feel it's my fault. He's right. I feel guilty and wrong.

OP posts:
Jeschara · 05/07/2024 16:54

You are not wrong, he is a financially, lying abusive man. He is gaslighting you. Protect yourself now.
Get your phone back, if deletes anything, it can be retrieved. Keep everything private and safe from now on. This man cannot be trusted.

Iaskedyouthrice · 05/07/2024 16:34

Have you saved the bank statements etc somewhere he won't find them on your phone? He will be deleting any evidence that's for sure.
What did you tell your dad when you didn't repay him the full amount? Stay safe but he needs reporting to whoever it is you report to in the Army. I believe they take domestic abuse very seriously?

CowTown · 05/07/2024 16:23

He’s panicking because he knows that you logged in to online banking. He wants to know what you’ve seen.

Why the secret Amazon account then?

If he’s so transparent about saving, why has he changed the bank login details now that you’ve logged in?

CowTown · 05/07/2024 16:20

You’re not wrong—he’s gaslighting you. He stole your father’s money. Did you backup the screenshots somewhere? Has he deleted them? Are you safe?

Laylaleela · 05/07/2024 16:02

He just stole my phone off me and shut himself away looking through it.hes seen I've been screenshotting things.
He's so angry.
He's telling me I am the one who can't be trusted because I'm going behind his back.
He's saying he's saving for a car
He's trying to justify everything. Told me he told me he'd be saving.
Saying I screenshotted his bank statements and it's illegal.
He doesn'ttrust me.
He's making me feel like I'm wrong.

OP posts:
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