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Original poster

Potential Extra Income

45 replies

ShouldITell101 · 03/07/2024 11:48

Hello MN! Long time poster but have name changed to avoid identification!

I am just after some opinions on what I should do..

My salary currently gets paid into a joint account that I hold with DP. We live mortgage-free in a house owned outright by him, and have lived together around 8 years. No DC.

Since I moved in, I have found myself paying more and more of our bills/food/outgoings. He is self-employed and hasn't actually had a steady income since per-Covid. He worked sporadically before that, but I have always earned more - now I provide 100% of our income.

I am employed PAYE full time. I can also do my job privately, out of hours, if I wanted to. I've just been approached for someone I worked for several years ago to see if I would be interested in any private work, as a contractor (so not PAYE). They would pay £10,000 per annum, split across the 12 months. I could handle this work.

Now, here's where it gets tricky. Due to the situation with DP, I have no savings, nothing at all to my name. I have a couple of credit cards that I pay the minimum on each month. I would like to have this additional income paid into a different account, in my sole name, and not tell him. We have been on the rocks lately and I feel I need to get something behind me so that, if I need to, I can leave comfortably. He monitors everything that comes out of the joint account.

Question One: Is this 'right'? I know that I shouldn't have to hide this from him, but if I tell him I'll be doing the work and earning the money, he will want to see it/spend it. If I say no, he'll kick off and kick me out.

Question Two: Of course, I would need to declare this via Self Assessment. Can I keep my current PAYE tax code, and just pay additional income on this, or will it have an impact on my PAYE code? He will notice this and question it if so..

What do you think?

Also, yes, I know I shouldn't have let myself get here but I was 'in love' and blind to the stupidity. I have built a rod for my own back so I need to try and get myself free of this situation..

Thank you!

OP posts:
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UltramarineViolet · 10/07/2024 13:31

Why delay? I would make a plan to leave ASAP (as soon as you have enough money put aside for a deposit and first month's rent on a home)

Since you are not married then you will have 100% of your income to spend how you choose!

LadyDanburysHat · 10/07/2024 13:23

Can you at least use some of the money that you already get paid into the joint account ot pay down your credit cards to allow the other money to accrue quicker? It is a debt he knows about, I think you said. It does need to be paid.

Original poster
ShouldITell101 · 10/07/2024 13:16

Thank you!

Re moving money out and back into my account - IF there is any left, which there hasn't been, it stays in there. He monitors it and checks what's gone where.

I'd rather not kick the hornet's nest to be fair, so doing it this way and not changing anything he is already aware of is the way forwards for me x

OP posts:
Brieandbeetroot · 10/07/2024 08:55

Is there ever any money left over in the account at the end of the month/when your next salary gets paid in? If you're concerned about him noticing if you paid less than your full salary in, could you at least take out any remainder from the previous month (even if it's minimal) so that at least you are slightly benefitting from whatever is left?

maddening · 10/07/2024 08:46

I would also get my salary paid in to my own account and only move over the bill money.

OhamIreally · 10/07/2024 08:40

That's great to hear that you're feeling more positive. Keep working towards your freedom. It's a wonderful feeling when the fruits of your labour are all yours to enjoy.

Original poster
ShouldITell101 · 08/07/2024 11:47

Just a quick update...

I've spoken to my mum about this, and she thinks it's the right thing to do, too - she said she's seen how sad I've become and that I've lost my sparkle, but she didn't want to push me to talk to her, she didn't want to interfere!

Also, re-reading through this post, I haven't mentioned anywhere that he bought the house with inheritance, not hard work and diligent mortgage paying! So it's as though life has always been handed to him on a plate!

I feel strong in my decision, and am looking forward to the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldITell101 · 04/07/2024 12:53

Thank you..

Upping and leaving would be great, of course, but the cost of an AirBnB here I could maybe manage 5 days, without food. Honestly, for my own peace of mind, saving for a few months is what I think is best to do. I've managed this long, so that won't be a problem.

Thank you, @strawberrybarn , I will update as things happen!

@Spirallingdownwards he would know because the amount I'd be paid would change, and he would notice that. Payslips are electronic and only accessible when on the intranet at work.

I've said yes to the work offer, so the future starts now!

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 03/07/2024 17:54

How would he even know if your PAYE code was to change (not that it will)? Please do t say he opens your post or demands to see your payslip.

strawberrybarn · 03/07/2024 17:49

I'm following OP and wishing you all the love and luck in the world. This sounds like a wonderful plan, please keep posting with your progress.

Merryoldgoat · 03/07/2024 15:19

@ShouldITell101

You earn the money, have no children, aren’t married, pay everything.

Why can’t you just pack up and leave? You could get a pet friendly Air bnb for a week, look for a house share and then you’d be free.

Original poster
ShouldITell101 · 03/07/2024 15:18

I think I just fell into it, with the promise of him getting more work, with being told I'm living in his house and he's not asking for rent, so I felt obliged to.. However, I don't feel that way anymore!

He doesn't discuss the credit cards, and he would likely get a bit huffy if I said I was cutting back on getting gifts, etc.

The most painless way for me I think is to carry on as normal until I can just get up and go

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 03/07/2024 15:08

Sorry you're in this situation op, but you sound very level headed and smart. How does he feel about you paying down your credit cards? What would he do if you cut out extras, ie, gifts for his family, etc? How dare he go over spending with such a fine tooth comb when he contributes nothing!

It will all be over soon hopefully! He sounds horrendous.

notatinydancer · 03/07/2024 15:06

I hope you can get out asap

Why have you been paying everything for 6 years ??

Original poster
ShouldITell101 · 03/07/2024 15:01

ShouldIstayorgogogo · 03/07/2024 14:53

Just leave him. Ideally, stop paying for everything for a while before you go.

If I could, I would, but nothing would get paid and my life would be a nightmare until I could afford to leave!

OP posts:
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 03/07/2024 14:53

Just leave him. Ideally, stop paying for everything for a while before you go.

Original poster
ShouldITell101 · 03/07/2024 14:44

Thanks, all.

The complication re house sharing/being a lodger is I have a cat, and to be honest, at my age, I really just want to be able to find my own space.

Thank you for the reassurance re my tax code not changing with SA - that's a relief, definitely.

I have started to add a little on to out online shops each time, but nothing huge otherwise it would be too noticeable.

I am hopeful that by the end of summer I'll have cleared my credit cards and be ready to go.

OP posts:
Ariela · 03/07/2024 13:25

One other thing you can do, is when you go to the supermarket for food shopping, take ££ as cash back each time, then bank that in YOUR account. Doesn't show up on the bank statement separately, just shows as 1 spend. Destroy/refuse a receipt when you shop, and this money will remain hidden.

Forget which member saved up to leave by this route, but no doubt somebody can point you in the direction of that thread.

Once you have an account in your name only, you could also eg sell items you no longer need online Marketplace, Vinted etc etc and pay it in to your sole account

CandidHedgehog · 03/07/2024 13:10

How about becoming a lodger temporarily? I was a lodger for 6 months at one point and paid a flat rate with bills included. I paid a bit more for an en suite but it was a lot cheaper than a flat / house. It would get you out of the house faster.

OrwellianTimes · 03/07/2024 13:01

If you’re only going to the. Over £10k a year don’t bother going limited - it’ll cost a lot and take up time.

Logon to HmRC and register as sole trader, opt for paperless messages.

Your employed tax will remain the same code etc. Nothing will change there. You’ll just pay full whack of tax on your self employed earnings (eg 20%) your personal allowance will have been used by your employed role.

Then run for the hills. This guy is using you for an easy life.

Dweetfidilove · 03/07/2024 12:55

ShouldITell101 · 03/07/2024 12:48

Thank you all for your replies.

It's great to hear re PAYE - it won't take me over my current tax bracket so I should be ok re the tax code.

I know it should be as simple as getting my salary paid into my own personal account, but it isn't. It isn't worth the arguments it would cause - I live in the situation and I know how it would be, so that is not an option all the while I am living there.

I don't have anywhere else I can stay, I live a very isolated life here and my friends are his friends' partners. My family are not close, and I work in an office so could not commute back and forth to them.

This is the best way I can see to get out - just giving myself a few months of additional income to be able to have enough to move out without any worries at all

While you're doing this, ask HR to start paying your salary into your account and only pay the council tax.

The arguments can't be worse than the current set up and it gets you out quicker.

Original poster
ShouldITell101 · 03/07/2024 12:48

Thank you all for your replies.

It's great to hear re PAYE - it won't take me over my current tax bracket so I should be ok re the tax code.

I know it should be as simple as getting my salary paid into my own personal account, but it isn't. It isn't worth the arguments it would cause - I live in the situation and I know how it would be, so that is not an option all the while I am living there.

I don't have anywhere else I can stay, I live a very isolated life here and my friends are his friends' partners. My family are not close, and I work in an office so could not commute back and forth to them.

This is the best way I can see to get out - just giving myself a few months of additional income to be able to have enough to move out without any worries at all

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 03/07/2024 12:39

Could you stay with a friend or family for a month or two so you can save up for a deposit and rent?

ForCheekyOpalAnt · 03/07/2024 12:34

ShouldITell101 · 03/07/2024 12:28

@ForCheekyOpalAnt Yep, totally get what you're saying. So, for at least 6 years, I have paid all of the bills - including his personal outgoings phone bills, car tax and insurance, prescriptions. 100% of everything, including food, days out, meals out, gifts for his family for birthdays/Christmas, materials for doing the house up, fuel, wood for the fire, 100% of everything. So yes, I would happily pay 50% of the shared bills and 50% of the food, and he pay 50% plus his own bills (phone, car, etc), and then I'd pay a rental percentage. However, he doesn't earn anything so couldn't cover his half. He would say something like "the rent covers my half so you might as well keep paying it all".

All of the household bills are in his name, my name is only on the Council Tax.

It all started with 'he pays the bills, I pay the food', then 'I pay the food and half the bills', now 'I pay it all'..

Sounds like you're a caring person and he's become reliant on you and that's perhaps why he's not positively looking for work.

I agree with other PPs, pay it in into a separate account and if he asks about it explain that it's your side income and you intend to put it away for the future (e.g. a pension for retirement etc etc). He shouldn't be allowed to financially abuse you and him keeping an eye out for change in tax codes and insisting all money is pooled suggests he's already financially abusing you.

Snowpaw · 03/07/2024 12:32

Six years of paying for everything?!

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