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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my friend everything

61 replies

dooneron · 03/07/2024 07:03

I have ended up casually seeing a guy who is a friend of my ex husband.

It's not an ideal situation. I couldn't give two hoots if my ex finds out. I think we're both available adults who can do what we want. But the guy in question does not want my ex to find out.

We all have a lot of friends in common, and one of them saw us get a taxi home from a bbq together and cottoned on that something is happening.

The guy I'm seeing has asked me to minimise the situation and to say we had a drunk fumble but nothing else. That's not at all true, it's been ongoing for some time.

I really want to tell my friend the whole truth. I don't want to lie to her and I also feel like I need to chat it through with a friend. Furthermore, I feel like the drunk fumble story makes it look worse than just admitting we've been spending time together and getting on well.

I trust her not to tell anyone else but you never know. As I say, I don't really care who knows.

Am I wrong to ignore his wishes and to tell her the whole story?

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 03/07/2024 07:27

If you're all friends, why is it weird that you shared a taxi home in the first place?
Why does it need to be made anything more than that?

But yes, I can see why you'd upset. I think you both need to put your big brave pants on and be open about it. Is your ex going to be annoyed at his friend? Is this what this is about?

CollyBobble · 03/07/2024 07:24

Why start off in a relationship that has unnecessary drama from the beginning?

He's telling you that he's embarrassed at being seen with you and he values his friendship with your ex more than the budding romance with you.

End it now before you get hurt.

Doyoumind · 03/07/2024 07:23

Why should he have any control over what you speak to your friend about?

If you want this relationship to have a future, you're in for a disappointment.

If it's FWB, why him?

BeforeNextWeek · 03/07/2024 07:15

I wouldn't want to date a man who wanted to pretend we weren't seeing each other.

Red flag.

Agix · 03/07/2024 07:15

If you're only seeing him casually, calling it a drunk fumble to someone is surely neither here nor there? If its not a serious relationship , you may as well avoid any drama or hardship on his friendship with this little lie. It doesn't make a difference in the grand scheme of things imo. I don't understand the offence of it tbh.

If you are hoping things will get more serious with the guy, or you already feel more serious than "casually", I suggest talking to him about that at this point. In that case I can see why pretending it's a drunk fumble one-off would be hurtful.

Didimum · 03/07/2024 07:13

You sound more invested than he is and as if you want this to turn into a relationship. He doesn’t. If that’s the scenario then best end it and forget about the whole thing.

DanielGault · 03/07/2024 07:11

It sets off alarm bells that he's asking that of you tbh. When will you be 'allowed' to tell her? I don't like the sound of that at all tbh.

GRex · 03/07/2024 07:11

Can you articulate why you want to be with this man when he would rather you look like a drunken fool to your mate than own up to having any feelings for you?

Throw him back and find another.

TemuSpecialBuy · 03/07/2024 07:10

Your problem is the actual relationship not who knows about it.

Why doesnt he want to admit he is in a relationship with you?
If you actually have a future together it will come out at some point surely???

Original poster
dooneron · 03/07/2024 07:10

SixFifteens · 03/07/2024 07:08

I imagine you won’t be seeing each other and getting on well if he finds out you’ve told her, but I wouldn’t want to be some ‘drunk fumble’ either. What exactly is his objection?

Honestly I think it's just man logic of feeling like it looks less "bad" if my ex were to find out.

I disagree with him though and as you say, I'm annoyed at being just a drunk fumble.

OP posts:
SixFifteens · 03/07/2024 07:08

I imagine you won’t be seeing each other and getting on well if he finds out you’ve told her, but I wouldn’t want to be some ‘drunk fumble’ either. What exactly is his objection?