To tell my friend everything

If he's not your boyfriend and you don't have plans for him to be sounds like you're just trying to create drama..

Tbf, if you don’t want him to be “your boyfriend/ partner” in the future, then walk away now. It’s just drama for drama’s sake.

Then what's the problem? There is nothing to tell anyone about.

If you can trust your friend I would tell her. Actually it is very useful to talk these type of things through with good friends who can offer advice on the situation in real life as opposed to strangers online. Screw this guy, his demands are unreasonable in the first place .

You need to get to the bottom of why his wishes are such....before you tell anyone anything and for the sake of your future.

Yup, exactly.

No that's disgusting. I'd tell the truth. If he can't handle it, then you shouldn't be together.

Yes. And it stinks of him believing that you're somehow still another man's property.
Plus if you have to skulk around and lie to your friends you can't relax.

Asking you to keep the relationship a secret is a red flag. He knows you are his friends ex, if he thinks it's this much of a problem he shouldn't be dating you.

He's keeping the Exit door open, isn't he?

I don't think the issue is what you tell your friend, I think the issue is that he wants to lie and hide your relationship.

So what are you wanting to tell your friend because it sound like it IS a drunken/sober shag and fumble....

Dump him.
Then tell your friend.
He is a twat that is using you.
Don't be a mug.

He basically sees you as a secret shag, but not a friend. His friendship loyalties lie with your ex husband.
Do you really want this?

Attempting to be discreet is one thing, lying is quite another, and asking you to lie about it it's crappy of him. This would be game over for me. He's clearly not comfortable with what you're doing and that's all that you need to know really.

Personally in that case, I’d end the whole thing and put it down to experience. You don’t want anything long-term; he’s more worried about letting a mate down than he is about you; it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

Why on earth are you standing for this op?

You are an adult of course you can speak to your friend in private if you wish. You are not a child.
Secondly, I would make it clear to this man if he wants to be with you, then he has to tactfully broach it with your ex partner. You are no one's dirty secret and deserve more respect than that.

It sounds like you have low self esteem and this is playing out here, because most people would not stand for this op. Nor would they be spending time with a man that describes anything as a drunken fumble. How disgusting.

Hi OP

I wouldn't be adding any lies to this situation, it will end up messier than you intended it to, it always does

You have been seen, it's not like you are having an affair, you are 2 single adults who have embarked on a casual relationship- that is your business. You don't owe anybody an explanation

However if you want to tell your friend, then dont lie. You are risking your friendships by lying to your friend, and on request of a man who wants you to refer to it as a drunken fumble 🙄

It sounds like you both understand it as a casual relationship but as adults, surely that can be said openly. He can say that to your ex too if he finds out.

I think the key thing is, do you see this relationship as going somewhere or as just a brief fling? If it has potential to become serious then your ex will need to know.
I actually ended up with my ex's close friend too! We kept it quiet for a few months but then told him. He wasn't over the moon and it did end their friendship. However my ex moved away (not because of that, for another reason) and he lost all his friends anyway. He never maintained any friendships and people got fed up with him.
Me and his best mate have now been together for over 20 years and are married with kids.

I think he's being unreasonable by asking you to lie to your friend. If you feel that you want to tell her the truth, you should be able to. He must have known there's a risk that your ex will find out.

You need to ask yourself if this is going someplace if he’s too ashamed to admit being with you, and his reaction to saying it’s a drunk fumble indicates it’s just sex for him, you’re offering he’s taking, nothing in it.

Maybe he is afraid because it's not you the ex will take this out on. He probably feels like a shitty friend and isn't as happy as you are for your ex to find out. He probably feels disloyal. I know I would if I was shagging my friends ex.

I don't think it bodes well if he is putting your ex's feelings about your developing relationship above your own.

I'd be quite stung too, starting the "how did you meet" with "oh it was a drunken fumble" isn't exactly high romance.

You need to sort this out with your love interest (is he a boyfriend yet?) and make a decision before telling your friend imo.