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To tell my friend everything

61 replies

dooneron · 03/07/2024 07:03

I have ended up casually seeing a guy who is a friend of my ex husband.

It's not an ideal situation. I couldn't give two hoots if my ex finds out. I think we're both available adults who can do what we want. But the guy in question does not want my ex to find out.

We all have a lot of friends in common, and one of them saw us get a taxi home from a bbq together and cottoned on that something is happening.

The guy I'm seeing has asked me to minimise the situation and to say we had a drunk fumble but nothing else. That's not at all true, it's been ongoing for some time.

I really want to tell my friend the whole truth. I don't want to lie to her and I also feel like I need to chat it through with a friend. Furthermore, I feel like the drunk fumble story makes it look worse than just admitting we've been spending time together and getting on well.

I trust her not to tell anyone else but you never know. As I say, I don't really care who knows.

Am I wrong to ignore his wishes and to tell her the whole story?

OP posts:
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SouthernBelle2 · 09/07/2024 14:01

If it's a proper relationship it's not going to stay secret for long is it? Does he have something to hide? Sounds like there is a lot more to this.

Owl55 · 07/07/2024 23:42

Your a familiar shag to your boyfriend but not worth risking your ex husbands friendship for!

likethislikethat · 07/07/2024 19:21

dooneron · 03/07/2024 07:34

Definitely not my boyfriend and no plans for him to be.

But he is your boyfriend, not just a drunk fumble.

You can desensitise it to a casual arrangement but in all other regards, he is your BF.

Pelsall116 · 07/07/2024 18:23

This would be a red flag for me I am afraid.................

Hadalifeonce · 07/07/2024 15:34

No chance I would like about the situation. The truth will out and will bite you on the bum.
I wouldn't respect someone who asked me to lie about our relationship either.

Underestimated4 · 07/07/2024 11:30

How is the relationship ever going to progress, I suspect he’s unsure if it will and that’s why he is it wanting to keep it quiet until he knows.

Dont lie to your friend for a man who’s unsure of your future. Tell him you won’t lie to her and what he chooses to do with that information I his choice.

Hididi11 · 07/07/2024 10:13

Please see a man who is proud of you.
Ditch him so there is nothing to tell.

Barbraboo · 07/07/2024 00:11

Why does it need to be kept fro. Him youbare no longer with him and if he's asking you to lie to your friends I think you need yo rethink about they guy you are seeing weather it be friends with benefits or a relationship you shouldn't have to hide anything from your friends!
Also depending on the friend its good to have someone to talk to who knows you and how you think!

EthicalBlend · 07/07/2024 00:09

If he says this, he is absolutely NOT interested in a relationship with you. He just wants the sex. I'd say, get rid now.

azlazee1 · 06/07/2024 22:07

If you have no intention of having a relationship with this guy, just tell him there;s no reason to keep quiet. Your just friends.
Unless it is more than that.

InSpainTheRain · 06/07/2024 21:54

Aside from who you should tell, it doesn't seem he's very respectful of you. Just referring to you as a "drunken fumble" is horrible when you've been dating so long. Perhaps really consider if he's the right guy for you and if he's worth it. Sorry OP, but I think it runs deeper the original question and it would make me question the relationship. If he won't acknowledge you now when will he?

DingleDongBellEnd · 06/07/2024 21:20

I was in this exact spot once. The new guy actually said he wanted to ask my ex for "permission". He never did, he never admitted anything was going on and we fizzled out as a result.

Sparkysmum · 06/07/2024 21:04

If you are not looking at him as a boyfriend and he does not want your ex to know then there is no problem. You are both using each other. Your friend does not need to know anything about your relationships/non relationships.

Ger1atricMillennial · 06/07/2024 20:44

Well its one thing to have a fling, its another to lie about it to protect your ex's feelings.

Agree with others, time for someone new. End it and then tell your friend the whole story.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 06/07/2024 20:32

dooneron · 03/07/2024 07:34

Definitely not my boyfriend and no plans for him to be.

Then I don't really understand the issue, you're just shagging so why does it matter what anyone thinks of it?
Also don't get why anyone needs to know how it started, it's not going anywhere so just take it as what it is-a scratch for an itch.

TypingoftheDead · 06/07/2024 20:21

AmelieTaylor · 06/07/2024 19:52

@Somepeoplearesnippy

Self respect? Stop shaming other women.

There's nothing wrong with a drunk fumble if you're both up for it.

Is that the case for OP, though? If not, then it is disrespectful to imply that she was. I agree it’s ok if both people involved see it the same way, though.

Uricon2 · 06/07/2024 20:06

If I were you, he'd have had his last "fumble", drunken or otherwise.

AmelieTaylor · 06/07/2024 19:52

Somepeoplearesnippy · 06/07/2024 19:24

I'd tell him you've never had a drunk fumble in your life. You have too much self respect for that and you won't be telling anyone you did.

Edited

@Somepeoplearesnippy

Self respect? Stop shaming other women.

There's nothing wrong with a drunk fumble if you're both up for it.

AmelieTaylor · 06/07/2024 19:51

dooneron · 03/07/2024 07:34

Definitely not my boyfriend and no plans for him to be.

@dooneron

then what's the issue?

stop seeing him & find someone where you don't have to pretend just to be someone he's fumbled with when drunk.

BirthdayRainbow · 06/07/2024 19:49

If he's not your boyfriend and you don't want him to be then you're being silly. It's barely more than casual then...

BirthdayRainbow · 06/07/2024 19:47

I'd probably end it for disrespecting me by saying I was just a drunken fumble.

He is choosing his friendship with your ex over you.

Otherstories2002 · 06/07/2024 19:45

dooneron · 03/07/2024 07:10

Honestly I think it's just man logic of feeling like it looks less "bad" if my ex were to find out.

I disagree with him though and as you say, I'm annoyed at being just a drunk fumble.

He’s using you for a lay.

He’s shown you exactly what he thinks.

randoname · 06/07/2024 19:26

BeforeNextWeek · 03/07/2024 07:15

I wouldn't want to date a man who wanted to pretend we weren't seeing each other.

Red flag.

This. It’s a very very big red flag.

Josette77 · 06/07/2024 19:26

You don't want to date him. He's not your boyfriend.

Not much to tell really.

Somepeoplearesnippy · 06/07/2024 19:24

I'd tell him you've never had a drunk fumble in your life. You have too much self respect for that and you won't be telling anyone you did.

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