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Original poster

Husband 'needs'

264 replies

NeedyOne · 03/07/2024 04:13

An argument with DH about his needs not being met, the usual needs men demand. Sex.
I've said before that if you ignore me all day, speak to me about only sex and make lewd remarks it's not attractive and I'm not interested if there's been no connection. His reply is that it's apparently all about me, my needs are always first and his never matter.

I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage. I asked why he thinks it's ok to demand his needs are met but I'm apparently unreasonable to ask for him to spend time with me.

His reply was, that is my need, (time together) and that he shouldn't have to do it if his needs aren't being met.
I had to clarify a few times as surely he couldn't be saying time spent with your wife, watching a movie or whatever (he never arranges anything) is apparently a need and he doesn't and won't be engaging in it as he's not having sex.

This can not be real? Do men equate the two as equal.
Add in the fact we have small children that crawl over me before bed and I do all the household labour and childcare.

OP posts:
TakeMeDancing · 03/07/2024 07:48

“Darling, it’s common knowledge that a woman’s biggest sex organ is her brain. Having said that, foreplay for me is conversation and quality time spent together. The good news is that you already have these skills, which you demonstrate in your friendships and your willingness to build those relationships. I find that quality really attractive in you. To avoid me being as dry as Melania Trump on her wedding night, let’s engage in some of that foreplay ourselves.”

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 03/07/2024 07:47

KnitnNatterAuntie · 03/07/2024 05:32

It's the age old problem . . .

Men need to have sex to feel close to their woman

but

Women need to feel close to their man BEFORE they have sex . . . .

He doesn’t want to be close, he just wants a fuck, and would be very happy doing it, knowing his wife will hate it.

Livinghappy · 03/07/2024 07:46

@NeedyOne how old are the children? How long together?

I wouldn't advocate separation in the first instance because it is working at a marriage however that has to be both parties.

Sulking/stonewalling is a very unhealthy response and regrettably it can be a habit from childhood so very hard to break. What's his parents relationship like?

cheekycheekshiyah · 03/07/2024 07:46

I can’t tell if this is your wanting to vent or actually asking for help or thoughts

localnotail · 03/07/2024 07:46

Summerinspringtime · 03/07/2024 06:34

I think this is a common theme with SOME men.
Usually those men who don’t pull their weight with the childcare and household chores. There is a link.
The women then feel like nothing more than unpaid nanny and domestic servant.
On a serious note do you enjoy having sex with him op? Does he make you climax? Or is it all about his needs?
Does he understand your wants and desires or is it all over when he orgasms?
Women do not feel sexy 2 minutes after having children crawling all over them for example. He needs to up his game.

From what the OP said in her last post I assume he only wants her to go down on him, so I doubt there's anything in it for the OP.

So, this is someone who does nothing around the house, says he is not interested in talking to his wife or spending time with her, and only wants to use her as a sex aid regularly and is not interested if she wants it or not. Lovely.

Beekeepingmum · 03/07/2024 07:45

Men have different levels of "needs" in that space similar to women. There are plenty of posts where women say no sex is a deal breaker. However, no one is entitled to sex. It sounds like your no longer compatible and the resentment is causing a negative spiral.

bonzaitree · 03/07/2024 07:42

I think the fact that he sees your relationship as transactional is the final nail in the coffin really. It’s like he is a vending machine. You have to give him sex in order to get time spent with you. He’s treating you like an object.

HotPipe · 03/07/2024 07:39

My grandma always told me there's nothing worse than a moody man. Never go out with one.

I have on occasion not followed her advice and she was right. They are not worth the hassle.

Original poster
NeedyOne · 03/07/2024 07:39

Dolly34 · 03/07/2024 07:28

I’ve not read all of the replies to the OP, but I’d recommend going to couples therapy. And perhaps one who specialises in sex.

I am currently in your DH’s position where my partner doesn’t want to have sex and I am the one “pestering” him for sex or just some physical touch. It is a horrible place to be in.

We are seeing a therapist and starting to work through some challenges, and it is hugely beneficial to have an impartial third parter to essentially translate each of your view points into something objective and easy to see how the other person is feeling - I would highly highly recommend it.

Do you only talk to him about sex though? Or are you engaging and listening.
I get no conversation outside of sex, no hugs unless groped
I understand he may feel rejected, I feel rejected every day as a human being.

OP posts:
Alondra · 03/07/2024 07:35

lamppostliving · 03/07/2024 07:29

What absolute bollocks.

He sees OP as a service animal who is required to provide her unwilling body for him to use.

This is about his contempt for her, not his love for her.

Show quote history

This in spades. I would never understand in a million years women still thinking marriage or a loving relationship is about giving men as much sex as they want to keep their man happy.

What a load of bollocks.

Original poster
NeedyOne · 03/07/2024 07:33

I'll try to reply to a few messages later.
No we spend barely any time together, he works from home and works all day and often around meals so after the kids are in bed is the only time we have.
I didn't even say no to sex I just told him to stop going on about it as it was draining and he said he was off to bed then. When I asked if he wanted to watch.a movie he said his needs were disregarded but mine had to be attended to.

I asked yesterday if he wanted to discuss it rather than ignore me, he just said 'urgh' like it was a chore he couldn't be bothered with, which I said made me feel like an object only good for one thing but not worthy of speaking to.
Then after the second day sulking I asked how long he planned on ignoring me for and that's when he equated my needs as being always having to be met and explained that it was him having to spend time with me as selfish and self centred etc.

OP posts:
lamppostliving · 03/07/2024 07:33

Crankymonkey · 03/07/2024 05:49

You are not unreasonable and there is nothing less sexy than feeling obliged or pressured into sex when you don’t feel like it.
However, since this is MN people will immediately tell you to end the relationship based on the little information they have on it, which is not helpful.
You are at an impasse because neither of your needs are being met and neither of you are willing to acknowledge this. I understand why you feel like this because he seems to have backed you into a corner. I think it would be valuable to have a calm conversation when you are not feeling angry to discuss properly what you are both missing from each other, and how you can work on this.

I know 2 men who are with long term partners who they love dearly but both are unhappy at the same time because their sex life is non existent any more because their wives simply “don’t feel the need” and asked them to stop initiating. Both are nice men who accepted their fate and use porn as an outlet because their partners never initiate but both mentioned feeling resentful. The only reason I am telling you this is because I think it’s important to hear both sides and find a solution, rather than create a stand off situation in which one side “wins” this argument.

He’s not a nice man though. He’s a man who doesn’t want to spend time with his own wife.

He sees withholding his presence as a punishment to force her to give him access to her body.

He’s genuinely awful. This is not a oh-so-sad tale of a nice good man in a tragic situation.

Arseholes also have wives who stop having sex with them. And this guy is a misogynistic arsehole whose wife stopped having sex with him

RedHelenB · 03/07/2024 07:30

You don't sound like you like him let alone love him. Small children or not, you don't have to stay together if it's making you feel frustrated or sad.

lamppostliving · 03/07/2024 07:29

KnitnNatterAuntie · 03/07/2024 05:32

It's the age old problem . . .

Men need to have sex to feel close to their woman

but

Women need to feel close to their man BEFORE they have sex . . . .

What absolute bollocks.

He sees OP as a service animal who is required to provide her unwilling body for him to use.

This is about his contempt for her, not his love for her.

FunIsland · 03/07/2024 07:28

Paloma Faith talking about what turns her on and off, nails it for me.

I’d say show your husband this but going by what you said I don’t think he’d listen

Before you continue to YouTube

https://youtube.com/shorts/ydAPCET_urw?si=c2HZWeWEmxBcTpL6

Dolly34 · 03/07/2024 07:28

I’ve not read all of the replies to the OP, but I’d recommend going to couples therapy. And perhaps one who specialises in sex.

I am currently in your DH’s position where my partner doesn’t want to have sex and I am the one “pestering” him for sex or just some physical touch. It is a horrible place to be in.

We are seeing a therapist and starting to work through some challenges, and it is hugely beneficial to have an impartial third parter to essentially translate each of your view points into something objective and easy to see how the other person is feeling - I would highly highly recommend it.

Vettrianofan · 03/07/2024 07:22

DH has never behaved like this. Even before DC. He has never sulked about no sex. He respects my wishes. OP please look into why you are with someone who acts like a child as a partner. It's not normal for men to behave that way.

Alondra · 03/07/2024 07:21

NeedyOne · 03/07/2024 04:13

An argument with DH about his needs not being met, the usual needs men demand. Sex.
I've said before that if you ignore me all day, speak to me about only sex and make lewd remarks it's not attractive and I'm not interested if there's been no connection. His reply is that it's apparently all about me, my needs are always first and his never matter.

I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage. I asked why he thinks it's ok to demand his needs are met but I'm apparently unreasonable to ask for him to spend time with me.

His reply was, that is my need, (time together) and that he shouldn't have to do it if his needs aren't being met.
I had to clarify a few times as surely he couldn't be saying time spent with your wife, watching a movie or whatever (he never arranges anything) is apparently a need and he doesn't and won't be engaging in it as he's not having sex.

This can not be real? Do men equate the two as equal.
Add in the fact we have small children that crawl over me before bed and I do all the household labour and childcare.

I've been married almost 40 years and I assure you not all men equate having as much sex as they want to, to family life in a healthy relationship.

Your H is an arsehole only interested in how much sex he gets from you. Sulking, disrespecting you, not engaging in something as basic as watching a movie, having a chat, cuddling or discussing family and personal issues because you are not giving him the sex he wants, it's abusive.

I don't know how old you are but better plan for a divorce. This is no way to live.

Confrontayshunme · 03/07/2024 07:20

NeedyOne · 03/07/2024 04:17

And as I wrote this, it dawned on me, I wonder if he's thinking about the God awful love language crap, so he's a 'physical touch' or as men think... sex love language and I'm clearly 'time spent' in his eyes, so he's just gone with that and decided she gets no time spent as my physical touch (sex) isn't met.

My DH's love language is physical touch and mine is acts of service. He wouldn't dream of using his love language as blackmail to allow me to get what I need from him, because he is an actual loving partner. Your DH is not.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 03/07/2024 07:16

OP, this is coercion isn’t it? Fine that he tells you he would like more sex. And he should listen when you say you need non-sexual intimacy to want to have sex.

But to give you silent treatment / ignore you is him trying to coerce you into sex and it’s not right. Speak to Women’s aid and make a plan to get out.

Life2Short4Nonsense · 03/07/2024 07:14

Sex is not a need, it's a want.

And his want for sex does not trump your need to feel safe and at peace in your own home.

Your husband is an abusive sex-pest. I agree with other posters, divorce is the only solution. You deserve better, he does not.

OhmygodDont · 03/07/2024 07:13

Poor communication long term resentment so his acting a twat.

The silence and that isn’t acceptable but you’re honestly saying he spends zero time with you? Never both sat on the sofa with a tv show on? Don’t eat any meals together? A cuddle in bed?

How long has that been going on?

I must admit I do feel less likely to want to “snuggle up” with dh if it’s been a while, feels like a lead on to nowhere for me while he gets his cuddle with a movie. But I don’t give him the silent treatment I just sit my end of the sofa 😂

Julyshouldbesunny · 03/07/2024 07:02

My exh was worse... Made gifts of money if I 'put out'.. If I refused he did it anyway.. He financially abused me and I had no access to money so usually just gave in.
I did leave him eventually. He never spent any time with me or the dc. No holidays or days out.. Was a grim existence..
Get yourself a proper life op.
One without him in it.

LostTheMarble · 03/07/2024 07:00

Chickenuggetsticks · 03/07/2024 06:42

I understand that, but even in the absence of sex there should still be some sort of warm relationship. DH and I didn’t have sex for ages after having DD, both too shell shocked. But we still liked each other, spoke to each other and spent time with each other voluntarily.

OP is ignored unless he wants sex. I’d feel very sad if I had to ask DH to spend time with me or speak to me. She’s a human being not an appliance.

Edited
Show quote history

There’s that song Labour by Paris Paloma, I heard it not long after coming out of a longterm relationship similar to the OP’s. The line ‘just an appendage, live to attend him’ really resonated with me. As other said, it’s not about not wanting sex, it’s about wanting to know you connect as two people in a bonded relationship. That there is love and respect on different levels and you’re not just a walking sex doll for his ‘needs’.

MiniPumpkin · 03/07/2024 06:59

Silences are abusive as others have said. I whole heartedly agree with what you are saying, why on earth would you want to have sex with someone who has no regard for basic foundations of a relationship? He needs to demonstrate some respect and interest in his wife wouldnt go a miss

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