Husband 'needs'

That’s not what the love language teaching teaches at all.

No excuses, your husband is selfish.

He sounds revolting. What’s wrong with these men?

Well ok, I hate porn but really what do nice men do then? Imagination?

I divorced one of these! Basically every conversation I tried to have about me doing 90% of the housework, the childcare, the mental load (in addition to my full time job) was met with “why can’t we talk about what I want to talk about? We never have sex. Why can’t we talk about that? We “should” be having it once a week as a minimum”. I’d argue that I didn’t feel like sex with a man child who expected me to do everything while he went to the gym, watched football and had lie ins every morning. He would shrug and say it wouldn’t make any difference if he did more round the house. He still wouldn’t get any sex so what was the point!

I think the idea that women are turned off by men who act like this is a difficult concept for many men to understand. They don’t make the connection between being shown you are appreciated / valued and wanting sex. Not that it comes down to transactions: you clean up round the house and I’ll give you some sex. That’s a very over simplified reasoning. But more: make me feel appreciated and respected and like we are a team and I will have feelings that are more likely to turn to desire. My ex could not grasp that. One of the main reasons he is an ex. I don’t think your H is going to change, do you? Also the sulking..???! It is abusive behaviour. I would be considering my future with this man child if I were you…..

If you haven't had sex for ages and he has tried sharing his feelings sensibly then he could be at the end of his tether and snapped and is trying to make a point though from what you've said I highly doubt it.

If they haven’t had sex for ages, the ops husband needs to look at himself and the whole situation to see what is the probably cause. And the op has explained it to him clearly - she wants a human connection, not just being used as a sex doll for his ‘needs’ (that word is so laughable, makes me imagine 40 year old men in full toddler tantrum screaming ‘I want seeeeeexxx’).

His attitude is not normal (at least I hope it isn’t!)
Sex as a ‘need’ has never been a thing in my marriage. We both approach sex as something we both like to do together. We enjoy giving each pleasure as well as receiving it. If one of us is not feeling it, it doesn’t happen, simple. Neither one feels put out, we get that sometimes it’s just not what we want right there and then.

As the years progress and having 3 kids, once a week is about the most we can manage and we both look forward to that time, but if one of us is too tired (more likely both off us!) we just have a cuddle instead. It is the intimacy and connection of sex that we enjoy and you can get that from other things, not just sex. The human need is for connection and whilst many of us get that from sex, it’s also gained from lots of other activities that your husband appears to be denying you.

He has a massive cheek if he thinks he can deny you those things but expect sex from you. He needs to sort his head out. You are not being unreasonable.

@Crankymonkey

Both are nice men who accepted their fate and use porn as an outlet because their partners never initiate but both mentioned feeling resentful.

Nope, you’re very wrong on that one, nice men do not resort to using porn. If their partners never initiate sex, the men are definitely doing something wrong in the relationship!

My question when I read this kind of thread is - was it alwasy like this? Presumably not. So what changed? Is it possible to go back there? and if not, you have your answer as to what to do...

I think sulking happens when people don't have a place to run off to to get some space so they put up that barrier. They are feeling sad and upset, still have to live in the same house. We are emotional beings you can't expect people to be like professional robots, a lot of us are holding it together at work and with society when we get home we just want to be ourselves and if I'm pissed off at you, of course my answers are going to be abrupt and I won't be all smiles. Let's not jump to calling the slightest thing as abuse because it then renders the word meaningless.

Love language isn't crap! And physical touch doesn't mean sex either.

Some men think like your husband and it becomes a gridlock but I wouldn't say all men are like this, anyway what does it matter what other men think or do, your problem is the man you have focus on a resolution with him!!

Sulking is a form of abuse, he thinks that if he makes your life almost unbearable you'll give in and give him a bj, sex or whatever he wants. He thinks you'd rather give him sex than have him punish you in the form of sulking.

He's an idiot. Anyone who thinks that being horrid to someone will result in sex. Does he go to a bar, treat someone like shit, be rude etc then think that person will shag him!

He's a misogynistic sex pest. My ex was like this, once had a week long sulk in Ibiza because I had to take antibiotics for an infection so my birth control was fucked. He didn't want to wear a condom or use the pull out method so it resulted in no sex. Thankfully he's an ex now, as should yours be.

Don't even waste your energy thinking about this. Sulking and the quiet treatment is abuse, it undermines you and will destroy your self esteem. It won't get better. Get rid of him. You need someone who will value you and bring positive things to your life. This man will drain you.

OP I'm not clear if you do still have sex. If you have regular sex and he acts like this regularly then clearly he is a complete arsehole, and sulking and coercion are abusive behaviours. If you haven't had sex for ages and he has tried sharing his feelings sensibly then he could be at the end of his tether and snapped and is trying to make a point though from what you've said I highly doubt it.

As you say, it's possible to be frustrated about lack of sex but still want to see your partner. It's possible to communicate frustration in a healthy manner. If he sees spending time with you or showing you any affection as something that he doesn't want to do, but has to in order to 'get sex from you' then I do think the relationship is pretty much over. You can't stay married to someone who sees watching a film or something with you as a chore to be endured for a reward.

And either way, sulking for days is not OK. Groping is not OK. Refusing to talk about problems is not OK.

How do you see the future for you both? Do you ever think given how he has acted, you'll want to have sex with him again? If you think there is something salvageable then maybe try counselling to see if he can change his behaviour. As I don't think you can change your behaviour before he changes his - I think sometimes in relationships you can fake it til you make if if you've fallen out the habit of sex and affection but only if there is love and respect there. But in this case, forcing yourself to have sex with someone who sulks and acts like they don't actually like you, yet still gropes you, will make you feel really awful

How could you enjoy time hanging out with him knowing he was only doing it to get sex?

How could you enjoy sex with him knowing he regards it as 'meeting his needs' and not about mutual pleasure?

I think it's normal for a couples sex life to have rocky patches when there's small kids/exhausted parents. But he doesn't appear to even like you. Do you really want to carry on living like that?

The best kind of ‘foreplay’ is when a man behaves like a grown up and an equal partner; when he engages with his own children and does his share of domestic shite - not because he’s ‘helping out’, but because those are his responsibilities as a parent and a homeowner and he can see how lonely and soul-sucking it can be for his partner to be doing all of that on her own. When he’s interested in his wife as a person and invested in her happiness as well as his own because (gasp) he actually cares about her.

OP, this petulant man baby, who sulks for days because he’s not getting his dick wet, is so far removed from the partner you need him to be that I’m surprised you’ve actually fucked him enough times to get kids out of him. What the hell does he actually bring to the party?!

If his ‘punishment’ is not bothering to spend any time with you, I’d take that as a win and use your knob-free evenings to plot your escape.

One day men will realise that there is nothing sexier than them stepping up. Taking time to ask about your day, little gestures to show they care, doing their fair share… then they will find their wives all over them.

I remember reading or listening to something about this. How a lot of women want the same sexual intensity, that they’re adventurous and wild but often lock it up because men are so shitty and it is a massive turn off.

Your DH is an abusive prick. Leave him.

If he has two functioning hands, then his 'needs' can be met. He actively chooses not to spend any of his free time or time when he's not working with his wife.

The first poster on the thread has absolutely nailed exactly what your next steps should be.
You'll be no worse off emotionally if you do separate. Actually thinking it through, if you have kids, they will have to spend time with him so he'll have to allocate that time for them which may be more than they are currently getting.

Start getting your ducks in a row (even if you decide to stay, you'll have done the heavy lifting at this stage) and then you can make a decision and tell him that you're not willing to stay in a marriage where you're a humanoid sex toy to him, not a wife not a partner and not someone he wants to spend time with.

Life is too short for this shit.

He treats you with contempt and you don’t like him.

Separate. ASAP.

I would NEVER recommend couples therapy when there is sexual abuse in the marriage.

If you want a professional involved, get a personal therapist to discuss yourself and how you feel. A good therapist will recognise the signs of abuse very early on.

To be frank in 6 months he's going to be telling you he had to go elsewhere. This will be he's excuse.

Have a listen to this podcast

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-dont-buy-her-flowers-podcast/id1598538518

It's fascinating on the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire. I'm sure your DH won't listen or buy into it but at least it'll reassure you that how you're feeling is TOTALLY normal and this situation isn't good enough.

A healthy, loving relationship is where both feel respected and cherished. He is intentionally making you feel the opposite! That is not love. He does not love you. That is what you are struggling to accept, but you know deep down it’s true. And you deserve so much more than being any man’s skivvy!
How would you feel if your daughter was living your life? What would you advise her? How would you feel if your son was behaving like this to his wife? Life is so damn short lovely.

He is an abusive man. He would need to undergo an integrity and abuse recovery.
I'd suggest omar minwhallas integrity abuse and secret sexual basement with regards to the entitlement mindset to sex. Also lundy bancrofts book why does he do that to both of you.

However It's not your job op to help him. You deserve a healthy grown up partner. I imagine he won't see the need for such a recovery. Unfortunately our society does heavily promote this very toxic idea that men 'need' sex and that woman should just fall in line. I wouldn't reccomend couples counselling but individual counselling for you op. So you can work on your boundaries and a plan going forward.

This is very much a him issue.

OP, you don't have a loving relationship. Your husband is abusing you. Sexual coercion is real, awfully real. He's being passive aggressively abusing you when he sulks, refuse to engage in healthy communication and blames how not giving him enough sex is the problem. YOUR problem.

He's trying to wear you down by creating a sense of obligation to him and how he behaves.

This is abuse 101. Do you have friends and family you can discuss this with?