Husband 'needs'

Counselling is not suitable where a partner is abusive.

I spent 20 years with a man like this. It was unbearable and I was relieved when he went. The entire marriage was about his "needs" and hobbies. I was irrelevant. Don't waste your life. They never change.

If you want to save your marriage get some counselling and suggest that to your husband. If he wants to save the marriage too then he will agree to it.

If you don't you can just walk away.

So you just jumped to blame OP's low libido, ignoring that her husband does nothing around the house or with the kids and just expects her to put out, then punishes her when she doesn't. You've also overlooked that her husband has refused to have an adult conversation about any of it. I guess in your universe women just have to suck it up, and love their husband through his immaturity and selfishness. Let's face it, he's not doing any 'navigating', is he?

Some posts on here are coming up with excuses for this man’s behaviour. There are no excuses, this man is abusing his wife. How can you excuse that?

This shows a misogynist attitude that sadly quite a few men have. Mates are for leisure and spending quality time with, not partners/wives. When they’re first going out with a woman they choose to spend time with them bc it’s a transaction for sex. But mates are separate - they’re the ones they have a laugh with and where it’s seemingly non-transactional. In longer relationships these men begin to view their partners as mother figures and we know how teenaged boys view having to spend ‘quality time’ with their mothers 🙄 it’s a wonder their partners actually want to spend time with THEM.

This was a very good question and your answer says a lot. How you feel is how women nearly always feel when they’re subjected to sustained emotional abuse from their partners: confused and wondering if everything really is their fault.

He blames and scapegoats you, makes out you’re the problem and if only you would behave like you should, everything would be ok.

It’s the complete reverse of the truth.

HE’S the problem. He’s emotionally abusive to you: trying to coerce you into sex you don’t want, stonewalling you (the silent treatment), telling you everything’s your fault: all this is abusive behaviour.

He’s absolutely not treating you like a partner he loves, not in any way at all.

I think this will be hard for you to absorb but your situation is worse than you currently realise.

I don't think there’s any way you can communicate with him to work this out because he’s not a reasonable, loving man but a selfish, abusive one. You can’t change him into the partner you (quite reasonably) want him to be: he doesn’t want to be that person. He just wants to use you, as if you weren’t a human being yourself.

I suggest asking for your post to be moved to the Relationships board as there are more women there who understand how men like your H operate, and who will be able to support you in recognising what your situation is and how to deal with it. If/when you feel ready to face up to it.

Have you read anything from John gottman as you might find it helpful especially the four horsemen

the reason I ask is because you seem to be agreeing with a lot of people who want you to think you’re the victim here

I don’t think it’s helpful for anyone to point fingers at either party. I’d assume you’re both at fault.

youre getting some terrible advice from my limited perspective here. Men have different needs than women. There’s reason trans men take hormones to become more female. We are very different beings with different ways of experiencing love and connection. Clearly there is some baggage between you both with regards to this subject , but it’s very obvious neither are considering the importance of those need for either party.

you need to sort out whether you want to stay married or not. If so, assume he never changes and maybe you do? What would you do differently? And how might he change as a result? And if doesn’t can you live with that? There are countless posts on number about men’s needs especially for sex. This isn’t new. And we as women have our own needs and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to have the ones you do.

I'm mum of 3 and am completely touched out and stressed out constantly So I get it. I don’t want to be pawed at all the time but alternatively i’m aware I could be with someone who doesn’t want me at all. In fact, I was previously married to someone like that. And I felt completely invisible in a completely different way. You’re lucky he wants you and finds you attractive in some ways. A lot of women don’t feel that way. But it sounds like he needs to temper it just as you might need to compromise too.

Could we not start by having extra sexual play one more time? Can he offer watching movie and rubbing your back one time a week? My husband and I both realize we have buckets that need filling before need get met but that takes talking and knowing we are on the same team and being honest. Sure we don’t want it to feel transactional but sometimes that’s life isn’t it? that still feels better than what’s happening now I’d assume

talk to him and see if there is a way to get through this together without assigning blame and making a plan

Why are you with this man? He sounds vile.

Guaranteed this is the reason so many women ask for a divorce and the man acts blindsided when she has told him for years what the problem is! If a woman is doing everything while the man is not stepping up and helping and is just expecting the woman to drop her knickers every time he clicks his fingers and going in strops like a baby when he doesn't get his way then why would the woman have any sexual desire for him at all? These men need to grow up and stop treating their partners like a sex doll while expecting her to mother them, it is not sexy and not attractive at all.

Maybe I’m the odd one out for not immediately saying LTB but I do think it might be helpful to strip this all right back and try to have an open and honest conversation about your relationship as a whole, what you both would like/need and how you can focus on improving things as a whole. Relationships shouldn’t be transactional and at the moment both of you are sort of making it that way, you are saying he has to do xyz to get sex, and he is saying you have to do xyz to get what you want, if you want to improve these things you need to strip it back and lay all cards on the table

What is more horrifying is a man sulking when he can’t use a woman’s body for his sexual gratification. And not stepping up to meet her needs that allows her to recover her libido or her seeing him as an attractive mate. What did people sprinkle on their weetabix this morning, a bit of 1950s values? Young children don’t need to be seeing their father acting like this…

I’m not sure which century you’ve popped in from but as I said, you can’t predict what kind of man you’ll have once you have children and a household to run. Many men don’t show their true colours until after they have the children they both wanted and made together. This idea that women are so baby brained they’ll mate with any man is so old fashioned - men are more likely to want children, because they don’t factor in the care that they and the household need after.

Unfortunately people don't "always show you who they are".
With my ex - so some of the signs HAD been there from the beginning but he was so subtle I didn't see them and only realised what they were with hindsight.

The sex didn't become and issue until after we'd had children. Thats because we were both young - and in new exciting relationship so sex was more frequent - he didn't need to coerse me back then.

Men like this do not go around waving flags telling you they are going to be a sex pest in the future.

It could be a deliberate act of punishment but it could just as likely be a response to not having the emotional intelligence to process frustration or hurt. When I've been in the position where a partner and I have had a disagreement and neither are talking to the other, I know what my thoughts were, and they weren't punishment. It was simply not knowing how to deal with a disagreement in a mature way as I'd never witnessed that from my parents. It was to withdraw whilst trying to figure out what to do. No idea what my partner's thoughts were. Maybe the same, maybe to punish me.

All this ‘advice’ to leave your husband over this, when you have young children, is horrifying. People are bloody awful. It is a really tough and common issue OP of the woman’s libido being lower in the stage of having very young DC - a difficulty most marriages encounter. I wish you both well and hope you can find a way to navigate and love each other through it.

Yes, the number of men with the common notion that women are naturally less interested in sex - which justifies them seeking it elsewhere - particularly as they get older - when in reality it’s years spent with an inconsiderate, selfish slob that puts these women off sex WITH THEM.

It’s amazing how much more interest women find in sex with OTHER men once the relationship is over, particularly if they’re respected and treated in a loving manner.

This really is something these men are oblivious to. They have no idea it’s down to them and that women actually enjoy sex just as much, but unlike them, they can’t just get off on screwing anyone with no feelings attached. It seems with a lot of men it’s primarily physical whereas with women physical and emotional - possibly bc of the whole psychological factor of fertility etc attached….

I can’t fathom men who see their partners as a completely separate concept to their friends - a sexual partner first, then mother to their children and maybe housekeeper… but an actual friend you respect and choose to spend time with?!! That’s not what they’re for! Women are meant to GIVE not expect anything back surely.

🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

I would leave him for the fact he doesn't pull his weight with the dc and housework alone. What a looser!

But the fact that he's perfectly happy and turned on by the idea of having sex with an unwilling partner is very disturbing.

@LostTheMarble Because people always show you who they are. But we women tend to ignore it if we are desperate to get married and have babies. It's like a trade off for many. My point is to choose carefully and not to rash.

Why is this relevant? Relationships change, at the start it may well have been both very sexually affectionate, lots of physical touching, sex without being tired or planning. The situation like in the op coming about is an old tale - the couple have children and the woman gets stuck in with raising them and doing all household admin, whilst some men like above choose to act like life hasn’t changed. Instead of sharing the mental load and making themselves an attractive equal partner, they become a needy manchild who wants attention without coming up to the level needed to be seen as an attractive provider (and that’s not just money, providing in a family unit means adding to every part of life). Bet he whines she’s always ‘tired’ and yet won’t do anything unless told to (a million times).

This. If he did his share with kids and around the house you'd feel less exhausted. He doesn't sound like a good husband.

Get divorced. Your husband is a selfish pig. I left my ex 2 years ago because he was exactly the same. He was also verbally and emotionally abusive on top of the demands for sex and calling me selfish when I didn't want sex every 2 days, even though I was doing 90% of the childcare and housework on top of working. These men never change. I am much happier alone.