Page 4 | Husband 'needs'

NeedyOne · 2024-07-03T03:13:32+00:00

An argument with DH about his needs not being met, the usual needs men demand. Sex. I've said before that if you ignore me all day, speak to me about only sex and make lewd remarks it's not attractive and I'm not interested if there's been no connection. His reply is that it's apparently all about me, my needs are always first and his never matter. I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage. I asked why he thinks it's ok to demand his needs are met but I'm apparently unreasonable to ask for him to spend time with me. His reply was, that is my need, (time together) and that he shouldn't have to do it if his needs aren't being met. I had to clarify a few times as surely he couldn't be saying time spent with your wife, watching a movie or whatever (he never arranges anything) is apparently a need and he doesn't and won't be engaging in it as he's not having sex. This can not be real? Do men equate the two as equal. Add in the fact we have small children that crawl over me before bed and I do all the household labour and childcare.

OtterMouse · 03/07/2024 11:03

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AutumnFroglets · 03/07/2024 11:02

you don’t like what I have to say
I think we can all agree with that considering you are talking bollocks. Your take on the trans issue is especially embarrassing.

OP - sorry for the derail . Your H won't suddenly change so you need to think what you want for your future. What would you want it to look like?

cheekycheekshiyah · 03/07/2024 10:59

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cheekycheekshiyah · 03/07/2024 10:57

LostTheMarble · 03/07/2024 10:49

I didn’t bring in any political bs, you mentioned trans identifying males for no reason. Your advice is harmful to women like the op, whose husband is behaving like an abusive sex pest and does nothing to earn a sexually receptive partner.

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no
im assuming there is a lot of baggage she hasn’t clarified and that she’s likely not perfect in this scenario

i see nothing bout a sex pest. I see someone desperate to have sex with his wife and doesn’t know how to communicate it properly. And I see a lot of women being horrible about it

i only brought up trans stuff to illustrate a point that men and women are biologically wired very very different and we need to remember our needs and their needs look very different

you don’t like what I have to say

AutumnFroglets · 03/07/2024 10:56

@RichieRich64 now you've said her H probably does need more sex to feel closer to her, how do you think he can achieve that whilst giving OP what she needs too (emotional connection), any insight she can use?

AimieDaisy · 03/07/2024 10:56

cheekycheekshiyah · 03/07/2024 10:51

😂😂

yep and I’m a happily married one at that

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Probably, because you’re so fucking delirious.

OP’s DH is abusive and uses coercive control to manipulate OP into having sex when she’s exhausted after doing absolutely everything at home. And she’s partly to blame? You’re an enabler. This is why we have so many fucking awful men, because morons like you enable it and even blame the victim.

OP should feel lucky that her husband is a sex pest and views her only as a wank hole, but doesn’t want to spend any time with her otherwise unless he’s sticking his dick in her?? Fuck that.

Man and women have different needs?? Fuck that, no they don’t. Different desires maybe.

LostTheMarble · 03/07/2024 10:55

cheekycheekshiyah · 03/07/2024 10:52

And you’ve assumed she’s acted perfectly and somehow in the past hasn’t allowed the stonewalling

if my husband stonewalled me once over sexual issues we wouldn’t be having that same conversation over and over again

wake the hell up people

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if my husband stonewalled me once over sexual issues we wouldn’t be having that same conversation over and over again

Why, what would you do to address that situation? What would you do if your husband ‘needed sex’ despite not listening to how he’s not making you feel valued as his equal partner, would you just have sex to placate him?

cheekycheekshiyah · 03/07/2024 10:53

RichieRich64 · 03/07/2024 10:52

Yeah, it's not the same situation and I wasn't saying it was. Only that sex makes me feel closer to my woman and I was extrapolating that to men in general. I do think this is true though In don't have a large body of evidence :-)

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Thank you for sharing your experience as a man

my husband is the same and if I was ignoring his needs he would be very hurt

cheekycheekshiyah · 03/07/2024 10:52

Runsyd · 03/07/2024 10:31

So you just jumped to blame OP's low libido, ignoring that her husband does nothing around the house or with the kids and just expects her to put out, then punishes her when she doesn't. You've also overlooked that her husband has refused to have an adult conversation about any of it. I guess in your universe women just have to suck it up, and love their husband through his immaturity and selfishness. Let's face it, he's not doing any 'navigating', is he?

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And you’ve assumed she’s acted perfectly and somehow in the past hasn’t allowed the stonewalling

if my husband stonewalled me once over sexual issues we wouldn’t be having that same conversation over and over again

wake the hell up people

RichieRich64 · 03/07/2024 10:52

MrsCBY · 03/07/2024 10:43

But you’ve said your wife won’t discuss it, meaning presumably you (the partner who wants more sex) have tried to discuss it with her.

Thats the complete opposite of OP’s situation, where she (the partner who is less interested in sex) is trying to talk about it with her H but he refuses to do so, simply shutting down and blaming her.

It’s not the fact he wants more sex than OP that's the problem: that’s a very common scenario, especially when a couple has young children. It’s the way he’s behaving about it.

He hasn’t shown any willingness to address this as a couple; he just demands that his “needs” are met and calls her selfish.

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Yeah, it's not the same situation and I wasn't saying it was. Only that sex makes me feel closer to my woman and I was extrapolating that to men in general. I do think this is true though In don't have a large body of evidence :-)

movingonsaturday · 03/07/2024 10:51

What a vile man-baby. Relationships don't work like that. I can't see him changing op

AutumnFroglets · 03/07/2024 10:51

There’s reason trans men take hormones to become more female.

WTAF @cheekycheekshiyah ?? Do you even know what biological sex a transman is?

cheekycheekshiyah · 03/07/2024 10:51

AimieDaisy · 03/07/2024 10:49

Jesus fucking Christ. This could perhaps be the biggest pile of utter shit I’ve ever read.

And from a woman. I just can’t…

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😂😂

yep and I’m a happily married one at that

AimieDaisy · 03/07/2024 10:49

cheekycheekshiyah · 03/07/2024 10:23

the reason I ask is because you seem to be agreeing with a lot of people who want you to think you’re the victim here

I don’t think it’s helpful for anyone to point fingers at either party. I’d assume you’re both at fault.

youre getting some terrible advice from my limited perspective here. Men have different needs than women. There’s reason trans men take hormones to become more female. We are very different beings with different ways of experiencing love and connection. Clearly there is some baggage between you both with regards to this subject , but it’s very obvious neither are considering the importance of those need for either party.

you need to sort out whether you want to stay married or not. If so, assume he never changes and maybe you do? What would you do differently? And how might he change as a result? And if doesn’t can you live with that? There are countless posts on number about men’s needs especially for sex. This isn’t new. And we as women have our own needs and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to have the ones you do.

I'm mum of 3 and am completely touched out and stressed out constantly So I get it. I don’t want to be pawed at all the time but alternatively i’m aware I could be with someone who doesn’t want me at all. In fact, I was previously married to someone like that. And I felt completely invisible in a completely different way. You’re lucky he wants you and finds you attractive in some ways. A lot of women don’t feel that way. But it sounds like he needs to temper it just as you might need to compromise too.

Could we not start by having extra sexual play one more time? Can he offer watching movie and rubbing your back one time a week? My husband and I both realize we have buckets that need filling before need get met but that takes talking and knowing we are on the same team and being honest. Sure we don’t want it to feel transactional but sometimes that’s life isn’t it? that still feels better than what’s happening now I’d assume

talk to him and see if there is a way to get through this together without assigning blame and making a plan

Jesus fucking Christ. This could perhaps be the biggest pile of utter shit I’ve ever read.

And from a woman. I just can’t…

LostTheMarble · 03/07/2024 10:49

cheekycheekshiyah · 03/07/2024 10:44

You clearly feel your opinion is the only one that matters here and now want to bring political bs in a thread where someone is asking advice. Because you don’t like my advice or my answer you choose to attack it when you’re doing that same exact thing- express an opinion

do us all a favor and fall off your high horse

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I didn’t bring in any political bs, you mentioned trans identifying males for no reason. Your advice is harmful to women like the op, whose husband is behaving like an abusive sex pest and does nothing to earn a sexually receptive partner.

Runsyd · 03/07/2024 10:49

cheekycheekshiyah · 03/07/2024 10:42

And yours isn’t armchair horseshit? Show me your data and where it comes from other than anecdotal second wave feminist bullshit.

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Well, at least @LostTheMarble and second wave feminists know what a trans man is, which you clearly don't. Clue: trans men are women. They take testosterone, not oestrogen, as they want to appear less female, not more. You really couldn't be more clueless.

JLou08 · 03/07/2024 10:47

Ask him if he wants sex with someone who isn't consenting because that is what he is pushing for by trying to get sex through coercion.
Having sex with someone when you don't want to is no where near comparable to spending your time with someone when you don't want to. He should be making an effort to spend time with you and build on the relationship.

cheekycheekshiyah · 03/07/2024 10:44

LostTheMarble · 03/07/2024 10:38

youre getting some terrible advice from my limited perspective here. Men have different needs than women. There’s reason trans men take hormones to become more female. We are very different beings with different ways of experiencing love and connection. Clearly there is some baggage between you both with regards to this subject , but it’s very obvious neither are considering the importance of those need for either party.

Ive read some horseshit on AIBU over the years but this one is right up there on the armchair psychology bollocks. He doesn’t need sex, he wants it. His dick doesn’t rule his brain. As for the trans bs, Jesus Christ could you be more uninformed…

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You clearly feel your opinion is the only one that matters here and now want to bring political bs in a thread where someone is asking advice. Because you don’t like my advice or my answer you choose to attack it when you’re doing that same exact thing- express an opinion

do us all a favor and fall off your high horse

MrsCBY · 03/07/2024 10:43

RichieRich64 · 03/07/2024 10:35

Beg to disagree, speaking as a man. I can't speak for all men, obviously, but sex makes me feel closer and no sex does the opposite. The latter has been my situation for several years, DW won't discuss it so DIY it is, as an alternative to divorce.

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But you’ve said your wife won’t discuss it, meaning presumably you (the partner who wants more sex) have tried to discuss it with her.

Thats the complete opposite of OP’s situation, where she (the partner who is less interested in sex) is trying to talk about it with her H but he refuses to do so, simply shutting down and blaming her.

It’s not the fact he wants more sex than OP that's the problem: that’s a very common scenario, especially when a couple has young children. It’s the way he’s behaving about it.

He hasn’t shown any willingness to address this as a couple; he just demands that his “needs” are met and calls her selfish.

Wheresthebeach · 03/07/2024 10:42

Leave. How awful

sandyhappypeople · 03/07/2024 10:42

cheekycheekshiyah · 03/07/2024 10:23

the reason I ask is because you seem to be agreeing with a lot of people who want you to think you’re the victim here

I don’t think it’s helpful for anyone to point fingers at either party. I’d assume you’re both at fault.

youre getting some terrible advice from my limited perspective here. Men have different needs than women. There’s reason trans men take hormones to become more female. We are very different beings with different ways of experiencing love and connection. Clearly there is some baggage between you both with regards to this subject , but it’s very obvious neither are considering the importance of those need for either party.

you need to sort out whether you want to stay married or not. If so, assume he never changes and maybe you do? What would you do differently? And how might he change as a result? And if doesn’t can you live with that? There are countless posts on number about men’s needs especially for sex. This isn’t new. And we as women have our own needs and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to have the ones you do.

I'm mum of 3 and am completely touched out and stressed out constantly So I get it. I don’t want to be pawed at all the time but alternatively i’m aware I could be with someone who doesn’t want me at all. In fact, I was previously married to someone like that. And I felt completely invisible in a completely different way. You’re lucky he wants you and finds you attractive in some ways. A lot of women don’t feel that way. But it sounds like he needs to temper it just as you might need to compromise too.

Could we not start by having extra sexual play one more time? Can he offer watching movie and rubbing your back one time a week? My husband and I both realize we have buckets that need filling before need get met but that takes talking and knowing we are on the same team and being honest. Sure we don’t want it to feel transactional but sometimes that’s life isn’t it? that still feels better than what’s happening now I’d assume

talk to him and see if there is a way to get through this together without assigning blame and making a plan

I understand what you are saying about communication, but what you're talking about is essentially bartering for services.

He isn't meeting her emotional needs, and she isn't meeting his sexual needs, if he is only going to be a caring, loving partner when he knows he can get a shag out of her then become distant and unavailable until the next time he 'needs' one, then that isn't meeting OPs needs at all, in fact it will have the opposite effect and make her feel worthless until he deems he needs her 'services'.

I can see where these problems come from, but you both have to want to meet each others needs, he doesn't want to meet hers and she doesn't want to meet his, except now he is using abusive coercive tactics, like giving her the silent treatment until she gives in, to try and force her into it.. instead of recognising that he is failing as a partner by not accepting his part in the blame, he is only interested in blaming her.

That isn't the basis of a good marriage, the trust is gone, even if he becomes caring and attentive and wants to spend time with you, you will always doubt his motives.. men are so fucking stupid at times.