Husband 'needs'

Fucking hell, what are you on?

Exactly! I felt neglected and deprioritised and near the end, like he'd rather spend his free time with anyone else but me. He couldn't give me a hug without groping me. I tried time and time again to explain my POV and my feelings and needs to him but he never took it on board.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect to be your husband's favourite person and top priority, along with the children you share. If your not, and he doesn't even want to relax with you of an evening, refuses to help round the house and with his OWN children, you get to feel like he doesn't even like you, and you're his LEAST favourite person and either at the bottom of his priority list, or not even on the list at all!
So, what's the point of marrying you in the first place. I don't think men develop this attitudes and behaviours due to our actions, not life circumstances, I think it's deeply ingrained attitudes developed in childhood and they were never fit for marriage and fatherhood in the first place. It sometimes just takes a while for these evil attitudes to become apparent, because they pretend to be someone they're not to draw you in. Once they have you trapped, that's when they start to show what they really are! Misogynists and people of low character!
I think such men are frauds and that's why I'm seeking an annulment! We deserve spouses who have integrity and the ability and willingness to love us selflessly, and if they don't, it's not safe for us!
Please, please contact Women's Aid OP! Look after yourself and your children, he'll only get worse. I'm so sorry!

This ^ with bells on.

This is because he's projecting his selfishness and wrong doing onto you OP! It's a classic abuse tactic called "DARVO"- Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender!
His accusations of you being "selfish" are actually confessions! Don't fall for it!
I hope to God the that our replies to you help you see through his manipulations and nasty tactics. He has you in an emotional trap at the moment, but you CAN escape it, you just need to know how and see the way out clearly! Like I said, please contact Women's Aid, they're experienced in helping women get free of all sorts of abusive men and he IS abusive OP! It really IS him, not you, God love you!

Despite having lived with a man like this myself, I truly hope they’re not all the same. Or I at least hope (most of us) can raise better sons so future women don’t have to go through it.

I left, I’m so so much happier for it. I can’t quite verbalise it, but it felt like I was dragging a boulder around and one day just let go of it. Men like this leave you exhausted in every possible way and you just don’t realise how much until you break away.

Sorry to say it but I think a lot of men are like this. My DH is the same, makes little effort at conversation some days unless it's to make some lewd remarks about sex later on, does fuck-all housework unless I get pissed at him and prioritises his man-job over well, anything else. And then he wonders why - given that we've had no meaningful connection all day - I get irritated when he follows me upstairs to bed, once I've cooked dinner, fed the kids, bathed the kids, put the little one down and not even had the opportunity to wash myself. I work a full time job too but this seems to be of no consequence.

He sulks and gets all stroppy when sex isn't on the table. It's really off -putting. My best friend recently confided in me that her DP is the same.

Don't know what the answer is. They all seem to be the same

I asked today after he had a 2 day sulk, was he going to talk to me as this behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. He refused to engage.
He says I'm self centred and selfish.

He'll be ok for a few days then sulk. It's awful to live in

I asked yesterday if he wanted to discuss it rather than ignore me, he just said 'urgh' like it was a chore he couldn't be bothered with, which I said made me feel like an object only good for one thing but not worthy of speaking to.

He explained that it was him having to spend time with me was selfish and self centred etc.

I get no conversation outside of sex, no hugs unless groped

I think he assumes if I'm not interested there and then that I find him repulsive etc rather than the truth being that I'm worn out and not a permanent revving engine.

he's never said I had to when I didn't want it, he just shuts down and won't speak. Then says I'm selfish.

I've highlighted the main parts in bold from OPs posts just as a reminder for you, but what OP is saying on this thread, is that he doesn't spend any time with them as a family, we can infer from that is that OP holds all the domestic and childcare responsibilities. He speaks to her and physically touches her ONLY when he wants sex from her, if she says she's not feeling it or doesn't like the way he gropes her and makes lewd comments, he then calls her selfish and self centred for not instantly being ready for sex when he is, then sulks for days, refuses to engage in conversation about it and refuses to spend any time with OP outside work unless he knows it will lead to sex.

Her husband is not prepared to meet any of the OP needs all the time, (not just on one topic either) she is telling him she feels alone, used and uncared for and he continues to punish her further for not servicing him when he demands it. No one persons needs should come before the other in a marriage, you should both want to meet each others needs, he can't disregard hers and demand his, that's not how a healthy relationship works.

You saying you 'fail to see what is abusive here' is just astonishing.

This would all make sense to a mature in mind not age - male. Marriage is a two way street with both people within the marriage having different needs. Sadly your husband is not getting that and probably never will.

Is he also a selfish lover taking what he wants and leaving you high and dry?

He says I'm self centred and selfish

Id be telling him to tell the solicitor these are the two reason you want to divorce me....now off you fuck

He's handling it immaturely and in the worst way possible.
If you want to have the conversation with him then I would say something along the lines of how you both have needs for connection, he need sex to feel desired and valued and connected to you and you need QUALITY time, non-sexual affection and to feel appreciated for you to feel desired, valued and connected to him. Now you can both ignore each others needs or make it a battle refusing to meet the others needs until yours is met and letting resentment build or you can both try to meet the others needs.
If you both have connection needs why should you meet his if he's refusing to meet yours? If he doesn't see the rational thinking there then I don't know what else to suggest.
I'd also add that sulking is completely counter-productive as it's a huge turn off and is this really how he wants to act, I'm sure he doesn't think that well of anyone else sulking.

That's so disappointing and hurtful @NOTthisOldchestnut. I can understand completely how painful that is that your DH is turning affection into a transaction.

If you don't feel it's genuinely part of being loving, it just doesn't feel the same.

@NeedyOne I'd be having sex with him precisely never.

Why would you want to have sex with someone who treats you so rudely & coldly??

you're NOT 'needy' you just want to be in a decent relationship where you live & like each other & want to spend time together.

i think you'd be better off without him before he completely strips all of your self esteem & wil to live.

You can't just put things on SM and expect people to just agree with you.

You can offer other suggestions and other people are perfectly within their rights to disagree with you. That is not beating up on you as you suggest.

Why would you suggest that she might have stonewalled him back, that's just making things up to suit your agenda. And you're not just offering other suggestions, you're rubbishing other people's calling them a 'bunch of unhappily married women' talking 2nd wave BS. Your contempt for women drips through in your posts.

I don't care what your agenda is but I think you're disingenuous to suggest you're just trying to help and everyone with a different viewpoint isn't and just doesn't have your insight and oh so superior experience.

Actually no cheeky. I know who you are based on your false assumptions on your first post, and the rest of your posts just confirmed my opinion. However you are posting absolute garbage on a sensitive thread made by a vulnerable woman who might actually be fooled by your posts. I'm just pointing out some of the ridiculous stuff you are posting so nobody falls for your twaddle.

Too late to edit but meant to add something else. When you consider women who have a few dates then they are desperate to instigate sex. They haven't exactly been made to feel cared for & special. They simply fancy the man for his sex appeal. This can also happen within marriage. Personally speaking my DH has no need to feel grumpy. He excites me just looking at him & long may it continue. I'm not contradicting the OPs feelings just considering this from a different angle.

With the period thing. Could it be the smell… like not that you smell haha but are we not meant to give of different pheromones to attract a mate as such when near or ovulating. So it would make sense that we don’t smell as come to me when in our periods. Maybe we have a fuck off pheromone 😂 maybe I’m chatting shit. Who knows 🫣

He regards her as an object for his use, comfort and convenience, when he should see her as the human being she is, the sentient being, the person with a mind, thoughts, feelings, hopes and fear and NEEDS of her own, whom he dearly loves and wants good for her!
My STBX was treating me like that in the last few years too. I eventually remebered a phrase he used when talking about another man whom he thought was trying to entice a woman into moving in with him " I think he has a "bit of cushion" lined up!" So, I realised he just regarded ME as a "bit of cushion", there for his comfort and use, and a things that just needs plumping up every now and then but otherwise, is just an inanimate object, not a person!
Hence, he's now STBX! You are a person, OP! He is out of order and yes, I do think what he's doing would be considered emotional abuse or even coercive control. Please contact Women's Aid for guidance, they'll give you the advice and support you need. I can't see this being resolved in any other way except you splitting from him. You are a precious, unique human being and you deserve better than this!

I’m the one getting attacked here. I’m getting replied to and people mentioning me

im not the one writing those messages so let’s everyone else turn the finger on themselves before only pointing at me

goosbye for now

As tempting as it is to say LTB I think it's worth a final attempt at communicating your issue.

Some men fail to grasp the notion that for many women, sex often begins in the mind. Love, affection, time and consideration.

lol if that’s how you want to read my msssage

while all you fight out over what my messages really mean and how im a horrible woman I’m now going to make my husband lunch and fold some laundry. Have a lovely day x

I’m not on TikTok, I’m not a teenager or that bored.

Still not actually sticking to the thread or answering the fact the op has tried to converse/compromise with her husband about the issue. So instead of waffling about mens rights, do you have any further advice for her that’s actually helpful?

Oh that's awful op. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. With little kids, it is exhausting, and the last thing you need is being pestered when you fall exhausted into bed, and hope for a quick read, or series episode etc!

I know alot of posters say dh's need to be loving all day, as a tactic to get sex later, but I don't agree. I want my dh to kiss, cuddle because he loves and appreciates me, and not because he is doing it for sex. I have noticed my dh is very tactile, give me cuddles from behind in the kitchen, very affectionate, and i have always thought this to be genuine. However, I have been increasingly becoming aware that when I am on my period, he doesn't come anywhere near me, and he is generally not as nice to me! I have had this conversation with him, he argues black is white. This has been a source of contention for us lately. The issue is if he changes this behaviour, I feel it won't be genuine, and just because I have told him to! We could have sex the night before, and it isn't enough, he will put it back on me as apparently I have teased him etc.

Honestly you cannot win. Men!!!

I actually mentioned Gottman in this thread already. I completely agree with what you’ve posted. But we’re missing a lot of information, including whether she stonewalls him back. We have no idea how deep this goes. I am merely was offering other suggestions.

lots of women like those in this thread have overtaken it with liberal BS ideas

So saying no to abusive men is a liberal bs idea? Wow.

Are you getting paid for these messages? I’m guessing so given how much thought and time you’re actually putting into psychoanalyzing me. Can you save it for TikTok please