Husband 'needs'

Your issue isn't sex, it's that he can't communicate his wants respectfully and he isn't looking for compromise. He feels entitled and owed something you feel unable to give without groundwork first.

I had a partner like this, it didn't get better. Every move he made to me was a ploy, hollow and solely designed to get me into bed. Having sex I didn't want with him solved nothing, we just went round in circles. I left him after I couldn't stand the physical pain of it anymore.

I found another man who is much better at discussing these things, we have dry spells and I try harder but the difference is I don't fell cheap and nasty and he doesn't want to have sex with someone who is only doing it for peace and quiet. Our middle ground isn't soul destroying for either of us.

First answer nailed it.

Totally this.

My husband communicated a desire for more intimacy. I let our children sleep in our bed and he explained his frustration in a mature and open manner.

I think it’s fair to discuss your physical preferences, especially if they are not being met, but the sulking and non engagement is disgusting. Borderline emotionally abusive. What about your needs to not have a twat for a husband?

OP, please don’t allow yourself to become brow beaten into believing this is normal. You deserve to have honest communication in your relationship.

And what do posters tell the wife to do in that situation?

Think forward 15 years when the kids are old enough to be doing their own thing - if the man does not want to spend time with you now - what is going to happen then. It must be very soul destroying for you - you deserve to be cherished.

I think what he's looking for is a sex worker I.e. no connection, just sex.

As you say, how can you have sex with someone without spending time with them? You aren't asking for 101 red roses, smooth radio, candles that look like Hogwarts dining hall.

I understand that, but even in the absence of sex there should still be some sort of warm relationship. DH and I didn’t have sex for ages after having DD, both too shell shocked. But we still liked each other, spoke to each other and spent time with each other voluntarily.

OP is ignored unless he wants sex. I’d feel very sad if I had to ask DH to spend time with me or speak to me. She’s a human being not an appliance.

I think this is a common theme with SOME men.
Usually those men who don’t pull their weight with the childcare and household chores. There is a link.
The women then feel like nothing more than unpaid nanny and domestic servant.
On a serious note do you enjoy having sex with him op? Does he make you climax? Or is it all about his needs?
Does he understand your wants and desires or is it all over when he orgasms?
Women do not feel sexy 2 minutes after having children crawling all over them for example. He needs to up his game.

You need to get out of this relationship. He is being mean to you. No husband should ever be mean to his wife. This will get worse, not better. Your children deserve to grow up in a house with a healthier dynamic.

Has he ever pulled his weight with the household chores/life admin/mental load, or is that since having children? Your problems sound bigger than the sex "needs".

What he needs is a massive kick up the arse.
A divorce should do it.

Incidentally, nobody "needs" sex. Many of us want sex, but that's a different thing.

But this is not a situation that happened over night but build up to the moment that the OP described. I understand that she needs to vent right now (I would too), but ultimately this can only be resolved if they both sit down and are willing to listen to the other without accusations. This isn’t about winning a fight, but about understanding what’s missing in the relationship and how it can be overcome.

Refusing to speak to your wife for days is stonewallling and it’s a form of abuse.

I don’t know about this, he’s not being a nice man, he’s sulking to coerce her into having sex with him and he doesn’t like spending time with her unless they are having sex.

He’s not a loving partner who is trying to broach a sensitive subject he’s literally behaving like a pig, he doesn’t even care that she doesn’t want to have sex with him. Who here would actually not care whether their spouse wanted to have sex or not as long as they put out. It’s outrageous.

It's not seen that way. Mumsnet is a massive collection of individuals not a hive mind. And there are just as many posts about husbands who have lost interest in sex.

@Crankymonkey very balanced and helpful. We could all just say LTB (and he does sound bloody awful) but assuming you actually want to sort out your problems it's best to try and understand where he's coming from. Even though he's obviously going about it completely the wrong way. I know on here sex is seen as a chore and something to be done once a year, but from his POV he's probably thinking you should want sex in a relationship and is feeling neglected. I know get the violins out, but still. You're BOTH feeling that way. You don't want to sleep with him and he doesn't want to spend time with you, not much of a relationship is it? Has he always been this way?

You are not unreasonable and there is nothing less sexy than feeling obliged or pressured into sex when you don’t feel like it.
However, since this is MN people will immediately tell you to end the relationship based on the little information they have on it, which is not helpful.
You are at an impasse because neither of your needs are being met and neither of you are willing to acknowledge this. I understand why you feel like this because he seems to have backed you into a corner. I think it would be valuable to have a calm conversation when you are not feeling angry to discuss properly what you are both missing from each other, and how you can work on this.

I know 2 men who are with long term partners who they love dearly but both are unhappy at the same time because their sex life is non existent any more because their wives simply “don’t feel the need” and asked them to stop initiating. Both are nice men who accepted their fate and use porn as an outlet because their partners never initiate but both mentioned feeling resentful. The only reason I am telling you this is because I think it’s important to hear both sides and find a solution, rather than create a stand off situation in which one side “wins” this argument.

It's the age old problem . . .

Men need to have sex to feel close to their woman

but

Women need to feel close to their man BEFORE they have sex . . . .

his sulking is a form of punishment, he will continue until you give in and "learn".
you've been touched all day by kiddo's the last think you want is a clingy man child BUT he doesn't understand that, but other women do.
depending on how bad his sulking and treatment of you gets you may need to discuss dissolution of the marriage. it's a control tactic verges on domestic abuse.

He’s laid his cards on the table, sex - and I’ll be nice to you. No sex and ….. I’m going to sulk, not speak, and continue to justify my childish behaviour.

This is tiresome, demoralising and less likely to want you to engage with him on any level at all, never mind sexually! I’ve a feeling the gap between both of you atm will become a chasm. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Tell him there’s a difference in having sex and making love, if he wants to make love then he needs to show love, if he wants sex he’s with the wrong person unfortunately

You poor thing, ending up with this poor excuse for a human being. Get your ducks in a row and make sure you’ll be ok financially. Get legal advice and then leave the bastard. 💐